


Blackbird

by anyrei, mugglerock



Series: Five Dimensions Series [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, And love, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because Music is Life, Bottom Dean, Broken Castiel, Canon Related, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel and Mental Health Issues, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Christmas fic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dean Makes Cas Mixtapes in Every Dimension, Demon Dean Winchester, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Masturbation, Maybe more - Freeform, Merry Xmas to Our Readers, Mutual Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Bottom Castiel, Past Intimate Partner Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Romance, Sam is Essential to Cas’s Healing as Much as Dean, Sam is a Support System, Sam is a great friend, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Castiel, Unsafe Sex, learning to love again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 14:37:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 59,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13148751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mugglerock/pseuds/mugglerock
Summary: The darkness that follows a setting sun is not the murmurs of a lost day, but rather the promises of a new dawn. Castiel was lost, ready to succumb to the darkness, to let it take him. That was until a familiar face appeared during his darkest hour with a flashlight pointed towards a new tomorrow.Blackbird fly, blackbird flyInto the light of the dark, black night[Timestamp for Dimension 4]





	1. Blackbird singing in the dead of night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Awesomelypathetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awesomelypathetic/gifts).



> Frankie here: Alright, first off, and I already know this question will be asked, or called out on, so here’s the deal: We are adhering to what has been established recently in canon regarding the resurrection of angels. Which, as of season 13, is that God has no power over or in the Empty (which is where angels go to die); but there’s no established canon regarding dimension hopping. So, that’s why Amara didn’t just bring back this specific Dean’s Castiel back. 
> 
> Anyway, this one’s for you @Awesomelypathetic. You’re one of our awesome frequent commenters and we’re happy to have gifted this particular dimension’s timestamp to you. You fucking rock! Thank you for being awesome! 
> 
> And on another note: This dimension features flashbacks to some of the more horrific moments in Dimension Four Castiel’s relationship with Demon Dean. The tags are no joke ladies and jellyspoons, in the chapters that feature said flashbacks, we will preemptively warn as well. The rape scenes are not super graphic, but that’s a subjective interpretation anyway. Including this chapter. The flashback is minimal here, but the trauma Cas suffered is absolutely there.
> 
> Any here: This fic wrote itself and I must confess I really looked forward to this, especially because there is this running gag since Frankie and I started writing about not being able to write slow build… We are just not very good with it. We found a way to just write smut out of our system in an outtake but still… it’s hard to not to write smut. But this time *muahhahahahahaha* the story made it nearly impossible for them to get together right away. So yeah I was looking forward to write this timestamp because I wanted to write something similar to slow build. 
> 
> Anyway: Merry Xmas and happy snowman from us :D! hope you all have a great time. Thank you all for reading and comments to us are like pies for Dean and bees for Cas. Special thanks to @Awesomelypathetic YOU ARE AWESOME!
> 
> Frankie here: Yes! Merry Xmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry Kwanza! Etc. etc. Because it’s that time of year we figured it was only appropriate to post the final timestamps for this series, which in its entirety is a gift to our most faithful readers! Yup. The first chapter of the final timestamp will be posted today as well! And it is finished, but there’s some additional little gifts for you guys we have to finish first before posting in its entirety. So, keep your eyes peeled over the holidays.
> 
> AND ANY AND I GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER IN T-MINUS THREE WEEKS EEEEE.
> 
> Any here: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK heehehehehehehehehehe yes!
> 
> Frankie here: <3<3<3 hehe.
> 
> Also, again, this can technically be read as a standalone fic, but we recommend you do read the series this dimension’s timestamp is based on [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225268/chapters/25128573).
> 
>  
> 
> **Also also: Reminder for TW! This chapter opens with a flashback.**
> 
>  
> 
> And feel free to follow us on our joint tumblr [here](https://the-real-anyrock.tumblr.com/)!

****

 

**Chapter 1**

 

_ In and out. In and out.  _

 

_ It hurt, but he had learned to think of other things while it happened. He had learned to tune out the grunts, the slapping of wet skin against his ass. _

 

_ Dean pulled out and yanked him around. Hot, wet streaks of come painted Cas’s face and lips. He tried to not get any of it on his lips, but Dean pressed his dick against his mouth and inside, pulling Cas’s hair to get him to suck it clean. _

 

_ So Cas did and swallowed. _

 

_ Dean chuckled viciously and patted his head, like some sort of pet. “Clean yourself up,” he spat before pulling up his pants and leaving the room without so much a second glance.  _

 

_ Cas used the remainder of his grace to clean himself up before he straightened his clothes and joined Dean in the kitchen. Dean smiled at him when he entered the room. He was always like that after he used Cas and it hurt how much he hoped his Dean was still somewhere in this demon.  _

 

_ “Hey, Cas. You want a beer?” _

 

_ Cas gave him a soft smile as he sat down. “Yes, Dean. Thank you.” _

 

_ Dean cupped his cheek and Cas tried to not flinch away from him. Dean didn’t like that. He patted the side of his face softly and smirked. “You’re such a good boy. You know I love you, right?” _

 

_ Cas nodded before he whispered, “I love you, too.” _

 

**_~~~_ **

 

Cas was still leaning against the wall, having stared for hours now, at the other side of his room. Where the portal had disappeared, taking the other Dean away from him. He could still hear his last question.

 

_ “Are you gonna be okay?”  _

 

He couldn’t be honest with the other Dean then. Dean needed to move on to save his own Cas.

 

Cas looked to his side. The demon’s dead body sprawled out next to him on the ground. He  _ looked  _ like his Dean. Peaceful, now in death. Cas reached over and carded his fingers through Dean’s hair. 

 

Nothing made sense anymore. Why was he even still here? 

 

Cas leaned over and kissed Dean’s forehead. “I hope we see each other again when I take my own life.”

 

He was still an angel and he knew he wouldn’t go to Heaven when he died. But if he removed his grace and then bled out, maybe he would have a chance of ending up where Dean was. Anything was better than staying here.

 

He pulled out his angel blade and held it to his throat, intertwining his free hand with Dean’s lifeless one and squeezing it when a tear fell down his cheek. The sharp blade nicked his skin and he could feel warm, sticky blood running down his throat, the room smelled like copper. 

 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

 

The moment he started to press the knife against himself, someone stumbled through his door, yelling, “Don’t!”

 

Cas stared up at the man in disbelief as he slowly let his blade sink to the ground. “Dean?”

  
  


_**25 HOURS EARLIER** _

  
  


Talk about one hell of a day. There were many moments that Dean had thought,  _ ‘Shit, maybe it would have been better if I’d kept the mark.’  _ The one moment that thought practically bellowed was when they failed in their attack on Amara, and she’d killed Lucifer, taking Cas with him. Then they found out Chuck was dying, and the only way to possibly save the rest of the world was to take Amara out with him, so there would be balance…

 

Well, Dean had no qualms about being the one to take her out. And with Cas gone, he didn’t really want to see what a post-Amara world would look like anyway. 

 

After Billie loaded the proverbial gun that he would become, he went to his room to grab a couple of things. No weapons, there would be no point in that. But he grabbed his favorite picture of when he and Sammy were kids, and a mixtape he had been planning to give to Cas. 

 

He wasn’t anticipating his brother catching him in the act of putting them in his jacket pocket. Dean nodded at him. “Caught me,” he said as he extended his arms in surrender.

 

"What's with the tape?" Sam asked softly.

 

Dean shrugged as he straightened his jacket. “Just a, uh… Cas asked me once what my favorite Zeppelin songs were. So, I made him a tape. I was gonna give it to him…” He shook his head and sighed. “Doesn’t matter.”

 

Sam looked down, inhaling deeply before he asked quietly, "Is that why you're going on this suicide mission? Because Cas died?"

 

That took him aback. Dean let out a sigh and shook his head. “I don’t know. I mean, if Cas was alive, I can’t say I wouldn’t still do it. But, uh… I’m more okay with it than I probably would be, I guess.”

 

Sam nodded before he shook his head slightly, looking incredibly sad. "I understand... I'm just.... I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you, Dean."

 

Dean shook his head. “You know the rule. No chick flick moments.”

 

“You love those, though.” Sam laughed, but it sounded broken.

 

The way his lip trembled was a damnable tell. Dean nodded as he swallowed dryly. “Yeah,” he started as he yanked Sam in for a hug, “I do.”

 

Sam didn’t say anything, he just held Dean tight, as if he never wanted to let him go again. After a long moment, he whispered, “Go get ‘em.”

 

“You take care of yourself,” he murmured as he patted his brother’s back and pulled away. “Bitch.”

 

“Jerk,” Sam murmured back before he gave him a terse nod. “I’ll look after everything for you.”

 

Dean pulled out the keys to Baby and pressed them against Sam’s chest. “Don’t you dare put another iPod deck in her.”

 

Sam shrugged with a smile. “Guess you’ll have to come back to kick my ass for it, then.”

 

“This time, Sammy, I hope you get your happy ending.” Dean offered his brother a soft smile and clapped his shoulder. “Come on. Chuck’s alone in the library with Crowley  _ and  _ Rowena. That seems like all kinds of bad news.”

 

“Yeah.” Sam scrubbed his hand over his face and tried to give him a reassuring nod. He could see his little brother was having a hard time keeping it together, but Dean needed to be strong now, for both of them.

 

It was hard to take those few steps back to the library. But it was the right thing to do. Dean was ready.

 

What he hadn’t anticipated was when he found himself face to face with Amara that he’d end up having a heart to heart with her. Which prompted her and Chuck to talk their shit out. After years of these big bad showdowns ending brutal and bloody, it was a nice change of pace that hippie, froufrou talking was what fixed the problem.

 

Amara saved Chuck, once again bringing balance to the universe. Chuck braced his hand on Dean’s chest and released the souls back from whence they came. 

 

Dean shook his head at both of them. “So, what now?”

 

Chuck gave him a soft smile. “We’ll leave. We have a lot to talk about.”

 

Amara nodded and walked up to Dean, putting her hand on Dean’s chest. “Our bond was always tainted because, while your soul yearned for me from our connection through the Mark, a claim was already made on your soul.” She looked up at Dean. “You’re pining for him, yearning to fill this hole in your heart. I can relate.” Her hand glowed in a blue light over his chest, causing a weird tingly feeling to course through his body. “I’ll give you the ability to jump through different universes. It will only last one day and if you haven't returned by then, you’ll be stuck in whatever universe you’re in. Follow your heart and save him. There is one Castiel out there who needs you and only you can save him... To save both of you.”

 

Dean shook his head in bemusement. “What? I don’t understand.”

 

“I can feel it in you. You are giving up on your life because you have lost him and I’m giving you a second chance to find happiness. Your bond with Castiel is strong. It’s so strong, it even crosses different dimensions. There is one version of your angel out there who has lost everything. Save him and bring him back, and you will find the peace you are yearning for.”

 

“Wait!” he cried as Amara and Chuck turned away from him. “How will I know which Cas I’m supposed to save? How is this whole thing going to work?”

 

Amara winked at him. “Follow your heart and you will know.” 

 

It was the last thing she said before her body dissolved into a black cloud, mixing with the bright light that Chuck turned into as they both disappeared into the sky.

 

As he looked around the empty conservatory, he mumbled an annoyed, “Great,” to the nothingness that surrounded him. Dean shrugged as he stood there, waiting for something to happen, to only get bupkis. He sighed and made his way to the door. Maybe Amara was just messing with him or something.

 

Just as he was about to open the door, a sharp crack and hissing sound echoed behind him, causing Dean to spin around in surprise. In the middle of conservatory was this… weird little ball of light. That was the best way to describe it. 

 

Years spent as a hunter, Dean knew better than to go touching weird little balls of light that materialized out of nowhere, but… What if she wasn’t messing with him? Could he get Cas back? Dean took a deep breath.

 

_ Only one way to find out. _

 

Dean reached out and touched the light before everything suddenly shifted and went black.

  
  


_**NOW** _

  
  


The blade fell out of his hand with a clank, the noise echoing in the room for a moment before it was quiet. Cas stared at Dean.  _ Was this real?  _

 

He felt paralyzed because he had no idea how he should react. His gaze drifted to Dean's dead body next to him. He couldn't be back, right? And he saw the other Dean leave. Cas slowly stood up and stepped further away from the other Dean. It had to be a trick. Dean had been a very powerful demon. He was back, Cas was sure of it. 

 

Dean had told him he would never leave him and it was true. “Dean,” he breathed out, fear seeping into his voice. "You're back?"

 

Dean shook his head as he looked at the body of his doppelgänger on the floor. The way he looked at Cas then, he knew it wasn’t  _ his  _ Dean. His Dean would never have so much concern or sympathy in his eyes. “What happened to you?” he asked, voice trembling slightly.

 

Cas bit his lower lip, still feeling wary. "You're not him?" He had to be sure.

 

“Him who?” Dean asked, brow furrowed in confusion as he tentatively stepped forward. “Are you the one? The one that needs to be saved?”

 

Cas was thoroughly confused now. He furrowed his brow and knelt next to Dean's dead body, carding his fingers through his hair before he looked up again. "He said he would never leave me and now he is gone. I have nothing left in this world, so I just want to die. Are you here to haunt me? Remind me of what I've lost?"

 

Dean drew closer, murmuring a soft, “Oh, Cas.” He stopped short in front of him, moving to kneel beside him. “My Cas was killed. It’s kind of a long story, but if you’re willing to come back with me, I’ll tell you everything.”

 

"Come back to where?" Cas slowly stood up and tilted his head. It was all very confusing. When he looked closer at this Dean in front of him, he could sense he wasn't from his world. But he also wasn't the other Dean who had tried to help him be free from his Dean. He wondered if he should be worried about the amount of travelling between the planes.

 

Dean moved to stand and held his hand out for Cas to take. “Back home.”

 

Cas hesitated, looking at the other Dean's hand. "Just because I look like your Cas, doesn't mean I am."

 

Suddenly a ripple tore into their plane, emitting a stark ball of light. Dean looked at it and back to Cas. “I don’t have much time left. Look, I can’t force you to come with me. If you’d rather stay here, I won’t stop you… But the way I see things, you and I are in the same boat. You lost your best friend here, and I lost mine in my universe. I mean, what could it hurt, right?” Dean offered him a sweet smile and extended his reach a little closer. 

 

When Cas looked up, he could see a hint of desperation in Dean's eyes and he could definitely see the loss that he suffered. It reminded him of his own and that was probably the reason why he stepped forward and took Dean's hand. He nodded tersely. "I’ll come with you. I don't have anything to lose."

 

Dean squeezed his hand and nodded. “Thanks, Cas.” He looked at the ball of light and took a deep breath. “You ready?”

 

Cas looked back at Dean's lifeless body on the ground before he turned to the other Dean again, taking in the warmth, the light and plain life in his vibrant green eyes. He had no idea what to expect on the other side, but it didn't matter. Anything was better than staying. Even if this Dean wasn't what Cas hoped he would be, even if this was a trap, it didn't matter. He could see him again. That was all that counted in that moment. “I'm ready.”

 

Dean smiled and, never once letting go of his hand, reached out and touched the rift. 


	2. Take these broken wings and learn to fly

**Chapter 2**

 

They landed in a garden and, for a moment, Cas felt slightly dizzy. That’s when he realized it really  _ was  _ another world, and this Dean  _ hadn’t  _ been some kind of delusion, but was real and, most importantly, telling the truth. “I'm guessing our timelines were very different. Is–is Sam still alive?” he asked carefully, cowering on instinct as he expected Dean to hit him for the impertinent question. It was stupid, he knew this wasn’t his Dean, but after so many years, it was hard to ignore those instincts.

 

“He was when I left. I’m guessing that isn’t the case in your dimension?” Dean asked as he looked around, as though trying to figure out where he was.

 

Cas swallowed hard with the news. Sam was  _ alive  _ in this world. He bit his lower lip hard, trying to keep it together. 

 

When Dean gave him an expectant look, he took in a deep breath and nodded. “You died in my world, cursed by something called the Mark of Cain and you turned into a demon. Sam and I…” He took in a shuddered breath before he continued, “We tried to fix you, but it didn’t work. Sam died because of me and you stayed a demon.”

 

At that Dean spun around to face him. The expression on his face clearly stunned. “What happened?”

 

**_***_ **

 

_ He could feel his presence before he could hear his taunting voice calling for his brother, a hammer in hand. Cas felt tense, waiting for the right moment to attack him. _

 

_ The moment Dean walked around the corner, Cas jumped at his back, causing Dean to drop the hammer on the floor and slide a few feet away from them. He held Dean's arms behind his back, using his grace to counterbalance the enormous strength Dean possessed as he tried to break free. “Stop struggling, Dean,” he pressed out. _

 

_ “Or what? What’re you gonna do, Cas?” he challenged as he proceeded to fight against the hold.  _

 

_ “I don't want to hurt you, Dean. Please. We just want to help you.” _

 

_ Dean chuckled as he craned his neck in an attempt to look at Cas. “You don’t want to help me. You want to cure me. And guess what? I don’t want to be cured.” _

 

_ Cas groaned as Dean started to struggle even more against his hold. It was difficult to hold him in place. “Well, it's not your decision, Dean.” _

 

_ Suddenly, Dean stopped struggling and gave Cas a serious look. “Don’t you get what this means, Cas? What me being a demon means? For us?” _

 

_ Cas furrowed his brow, confused about Dean's lack of struggling. “What do you mean?” _

 

_ “Us, Cas. Don’t tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”  _

 

_ Cas was stunned to silence for a moment. He loved Dean. More than anything in the world. He would do anything for him, no matter what. But he had no idea that Dean knew about his feelings. “Y _ _ – _ _ you know?” he stammered out. _

 

_ Dean nodded. “I more than know,” he murmured as he angled his head to close the gap between them, capturing his lips in a slightly awkward kiss.  _

 

_ Cas was paralyzed in that moment. He couldn't believe Dean was kissing him. Without thinking, his hands moved from holding Dean's wrists in a death grip, to cupping his cheeks, kissing him back. _

 

_ And in a flurry of movement, Dean yanked himself from Cas’s grip and reared back, slamming his balled up fist into Cas’s cheek, his teeth clacking together painfully from the severity of the blow. He was so startled, the human term was, “seeing stars,” that Dean slipped out of his reach and disappeared down the hallway Sam had gone. _

 

_ He shook his head, trying to get rid of the dizziness, noticing that the hammer was also gone. He ran. Down the hallway and after Dean, calling out for him. He came to an abrupt stop when he finally caught up with him, only to see that Dean was using the hammer to crack Sam's skull open. _

 

_ “No!” Cas fell to his knees the moment Sam's body fell to the ground. Empty, wide open, lifeless eyes staring back at him. No, no, no. _

 

_ Dean wiped the blood from his face with the back of his hand. He regarded Cas with a cold smirk. “Now we get to be alone.”  _

 

_******* _

 

“It was all my fault,” Cas said as he ended the story with a heartbroken, “he died because of me.”

 

Dean’s expression was perplexing. He couldn’t decipher what it meant. His lip trembled as he drew closer to Cas. He reached out to him and Cas, on pure instinct, winced. At that, Dean’s eyes widened. After a beat, he asked, “How many years was he telling you that? That Sammy’s death was your fault?”

 

"Two years," Cas breathed out, looking down at his feet because he couldn't look at the other Dean, afraid of what he might think of him. He probably already regretted saving him.

 

He wasn’t anticipating suddenly being enveloped in strong, warm arms. “Fuck, Cas,” he murmured against the crown of his head. 

 

Cas tried to struggle free when he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore and fear overwhelmed him. "Please, don't touch me," he whimpered, trying to pull away from Dean.

 

Dean jumped back, holding his hands up in surrender. “Shit, I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry. I just… My Cas and I, we would hug sometimes…” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I should’ve asked.”

 

His heart ached uncomfortably as he recalled what he once had with  _ his  _ Dean. He nodded slowly. "Yes, we... before all of that, we did hug sometimes. I liked it, a lot. But... not anymore."

 

Dean nodded. “No, I get it. I… Fuck, Cas.” 

 

As they walked through the wooded area toward a road, Dean suddenly became incredibly interested in the ground, clearly unsure of what to do or say in response to… everything.

 

After a while, Cas said, "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't even understand why you saved me. How did you get to my timeline?" 

 

Dean sighed and moved to a nearby park bench, offering the space next to him with a wave of his hand as he sat down. “So, I had the Mark, too. You, well…  _ My  _ Cas and Sammy successfully cured me of being a demon and then we used the Book of the Damned to remove the Mark.”

 

Cas leaned back with a frown. "I'm guessing removing the curse came with a price?"

 

That was met with a derisive snort of laughter. “And then some. The Mark was actually a key that kept the Darkness locked in her cage, or whatever. Removing it released her. Amara, by the way. God’s friggin’ sister. And, uh… Well, shit was going down. So, my Cas became Lucifer’s vessel, we teamed up with a powerful witch, Crowley, Lucifer, and Chuck. Chuck is God by the way, I don’t know if he is in your timeline, too, but, yeah.”

 

Cas stared at him with wide eyes. That was a lot to take in. "Your Cas let himself be possessed by Lucifer? And he worked with you?” 

 

“Better the devil you know, right?” Dean sighed as he leaned forward, forearms braced against his knees. “Anyway, we hit her with everything we got. She ganked Lucifer, taking Cas with him, and basically hit Chuck so hard he was dying, which meant so was everything.”

 

"And then what happened?" Cas asked in confusion. He didn’t see any way this scenario couldn’t have ended without the world ending.

 

Dean laughed and leaned back against the bench. “Well, since the world was dying, the only way to maybe stop it was to take her out with Chuck. So, a reaper loaded me up with as many souls as possible, effectively turning me into a bomb. Where we appeared? Is where she was. And then the craziest thing happened. Amara and I had a heart to heart. She reconciled with Chuck, and as repayment, she sent me through alternate timelines to find a Castiel who needed to be saved. She said if I did, maybe he’d save me, too.”

 

“Save you from what?” Cas asked carefully, still trying to process everything.

 

“Damned if I know. It’s funny, but I thought if I could get  _ a  _ Cas back, it would be the same… but it’s not. You’re no more my Cas than I’m your Dean.” Dean looked at him then and gave him a half smile. “But maybe this way, we can be what we actually wanted to be to each other. A second chance?”

 

Cas felt sick as he turned away from Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean. I thought you would know by now that you obviously brought back the wrong version of me. I’m a pathetic, broken, shell of the angel I once was, and I certainly don’t deserve a second chance.”

 

Dean stared at him for a beat of silence before he finally said, “Bullshit. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s the angel Castiel, and that means  _ every  _ version. I just hope I can make you see that.”

 

Cas looked down at his feet and frowned, before he chuckled mirthlessly. "What is it with my timeline that I attracted two versions of you, both of which just wanted to help me?"

 

“What?” Dean asked, brow furrowed in confusion. 

 

Cas shook his head and looked up at Dean. "A few hours before you came stumbling into my world, another Dean visited me. He was on a quest to save his own version of Cas. He shot my Dean to save me.” He couldn’t suppress the bitter laugh.

 

“And that’s a bad thing?” Dean asked. He wasn’t accusatory, or condescending. He sounded genuinely curious.

 

“He was everything to me. He was the only reason I was still alive,” Cas murmured. “I know it’s hard to understand, because of what he did to Sam and me, but… I love him. I just couldn’t let go.”

 

Dean regarded him for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Why?”

 

Cas sighed. "Because all this time I still couldn't stop hoping that he was still in there somewhere, that he would come back to me. Every time he smiled at me, even if it was just for a moment. Every time he kissed me, or told me that he loved me. And I would have waited until the end of time for him to come back to me." Cas pressed his fingernails into his leg so he wouldn’t lose it in front of this Dean. 

 

Dean nodded his understanding and sighed. “Why did you come with me?”

 

"To be honest, I thought you were some kind of reaper, or an illusion, and I already died." Cas shrugged before he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, I... I'm surely not what you expected to get. I’ll try to be of service to you, help you in every way I can."

 

“I don’t…” Dean started and let out a mirthless chuckle. He wiped his face and sniffled. “Fuck, Cas. How little worth do you feel you have?”

 

Cas looked at his feet, swallowing hard. "Dean was always nice to me after... I was useful. So, I guess my worth depends on my usefulness."

 

Dean rifled a hand through his hair and sighed. “Cas was… Cas was my best friend. Family. That was all I needed him for.”

 

"I'm sorry for your loss." Cas turned to him with a pained expression. "I had that once with my Dean. Before he took on the Mark we were like that. Friends, family. He called me his brother." He bit his lip before he asked, "What do you expect from this, Dean? I can't replace him."

 

“I know. And I sure as hell don’t want to replace your Dean. I just… Fuck, I miss him.”

 

Cas wiped away the tears that finally fought their way from his eyes. "I miss my Dean, too." He turned to Dean and, for a moment, he faced his fears and just reached over to grab Dean's hand to squeeze it. He couldn't stand seeing Dean sad. "I'm really sorry you lost him."

 

Dean flashed him a small smile and squeezed his hand in return. “Even though yours sounded like a real peach, I’m sorry for your loss, too.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't miss the demon, Dean. I miss  _ my  _ Dean. How he was before. The man I fell in love with. The man I could still sometimes see underneath all that evil."

 

He winced as he realized the tone in which he had spoken to Dean. If he had been this disrespectful to the other Dean, he would have been punished.

 

Dean looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Why do you keep flinching like I’m gonna punch you?”

 

So much for his hope that Dean wouldn't notice. "I'm sorry. Habit, I guess."

 

“Son of a bitch! I fucking beat you?” he demanded.

 

His body answered automatically to Dean raising his voice by cowering even more, which didn't really help the situation. "He... not you...  _ He  _ punished me for a lot of things, in a lot of different ways."

 

Dean’s lip trembled and he seemed torn. “Fuck, Cas. I… I can’t believe any version of me could do that to you.”

 

"It was the demon. Not my Dean. I never blamed him for any of this. It wasn't his fault." 

 

Dean shook his head in apparent dismay. “I’m so fucking sorry, Castiel.”

 

Cas didn’t know what to say to that, so he just looked away for a moment. After a beat, he asked, “What do we do now?”

 

That was met with a sigh and another beat of silence. Dean turned to look at Cas, his hand twitched like he wanted to reach out and grab Cas’s hand, but he refrained. “Now? You get to decide. If you want me to leave you be, I will. If you want to tag along with me back to the bunker, give this a shot, then we can definitely do that. But I think it’s about time you made a decision for yourself.”

 

"I'll go with you." There was nothing to decide for him. Dean had chosen to save him and if it was in his power to help him, then of course he would do everything he could. 

 

But there was also a selfish voice in him, one that told him he needed to see Sam. He needed to see him  _ alive.  _ He needed to see a world where everything was okay for once, or he knew he would never find peace. 

 

Dean nodded and braced his hands on his knees. “Good. Then let’s go home.” He stood to stand and held his hand out to Cas again. “I know I’m not your Dean. Hell, I don’t even know if we’re similar or not, but I promise you, Cas... I’ll do whatever I can to make this your new home. Okay?”

 

He couldn't admit it, he didn't want to admit it, but this Dean was almost identical to his Dean before everything went wrong. And it almost hurt seeing him like this, green eyes full of everything that Cas loved so dearly about his Dean. Loyalty, fierceness, determination, and so much warmth. So, instead of taking Dean’s hand, he swallowed down his fear and took a brave step forward before he pulled Dean into a tight hug. “Thank you, Dean,” he whispered in his ear, closing his eyes for a weak moment, pretending he had gotten his Dean back after everything.

 

“Anytime, Cas. Anytime.” Dean smiled at him and nodded for Cas to follow him up to the road.

 

Cas returned the smile reluctantly, he knew he had to be careful with his heart. This Dean was very much like his Dean, but with one very significant difference. He saw his own Cas as his friend and family, and Cas still believed that his Dean felt something different for him. Especially when the Dean from the other dimension couldn’t tell him that he was wrong in his assumption. It would be a grave mistake to forget that this Dean was different. He didn’t have feelings for him.

 

This Dean was only looking for a friend. At least that would mean he didn’t need to fear anything more than the occasional hug from the man.

 

Dean interrupted his internal musings by asking, “So, uh… do you have any questions for me?”

 

“Yes,” Cas replied simply before he looked at him. “But it's a lot to take in at the moment. Not even half an hour ago I was prepared to die. Now you're offering me a future.”

 

“Shit, Cas,” he breathed out. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

 

At that, Cas had to smile. “Exactly how I feel. It’s an awkward situation to be in. I don’t really know what to feel or say.”

 

Dean sighed and straightened his stance. “New start, right?” He extended his hand out and said, “I’m Dean Winchester. Nice to meet you.”

 

Cas took it after a moment of hesitation and shook it. “I'm Castiel. But you can call me Cas. Nice to meet you, too.”

 

He smiled as he released Cas’s hand. “Fair warning: I’m a hunter with a predilection for booze and Westerns.”

 

Cas’s smile turned into a grimace before he looked away and murmured, “I know.” He rubbed his hand over his face before he looked back at Dean. “You asked me how alike you are, you and my Dean… My Dean before he turned into a demon. You seem to be exactly the same.” 

 

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

 

“It’s confusing mostly.” Cas tilted his head. “Isn’t it for you?”

 

Dean shrugged. “Kinda? I mean, while you aren’t  _ my  _ Cas, everything I liked about my Cas seems to be a core part of you, too. So, it feels like, while you aren’t him, being friends with you is like I’m keeping him alive. Does that make sense?”

 

“More than you think. I don’t know how I feel about the fact that I’m so grateful to see you, that you are just like I remember you. I guess I’m still waiting for something bad to happen, to take this all away again. It’s a weird feeling.” Cas rubbed the back of his neck before he asked, “Did you two get a chance to say goodbye to each other?”

 

At that Dean’s lip trembled. He pressed his hand against his jacket pocket and shook his head. “No. Fuck, the last words that came from him were Lucifer’s.”

 

Cas took in a shuddered breath and nodded. “The other Dean helped me say goodbye to my Dean. He wanted to make it easier for me to move on. If you want to, if you have any words you would have wanted him to know, you can tell them to me. If you think it could help.”

 

Dean flashed him a sad smile. “I really appreciate that, but, uh… they’re his words. They belong to him.”

 

He had no idea why, but Dean’s words were nice to hear. It showed how special his Cas was to him. He gave Dean a soft smile. “I understand. It’s nice to hear that he meant so much to you.” 

 

“He does. He was the best friend I’ve ever had.”

 

Cas didn’t know if he should ask, but the question had been on his mind for a while now. “Was that all you were? I’m just asking because our relationship seemed to be different in other dimensions.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘different’?” Dean asked with a bemused smile.

 

Cas took in a deep breath before he explained, “The other Dean that visited me, he was in love with his Cas.” He looked at the grass he was walking on before he added, “I’ll probably never know if my Dean really returned my feelings, or if the demon was lying to me.”

 

Dean sighed and said, “You said he and I were basically the same?”

 

“From what I can tell so far.”

 

“Then, yes. He did.”

 

Cas furrowed his brow before he asked, “He lied to me?”

 

Dean chuckled and shook his head. “He reciprocated your feelings. He was just too chicken shit to tell you.”

 

Cas stared at Dean for a moment, not knowing what to feel or say. He felt an overwhelming loss for all of the moments he could have had with Dean, all of the things they could have shared, but never got the chance to. “I’m sorry. If your Cas was anything like me, then he probably felt the same for you.”

 

Dean let out a mirthless chuckle. “Well, I guess we’re both fucked.”

 

“Tell me something new,” Cas replied sarcastically before he shot Dean a half smile. He gave Dean a long look before he asked, “Did your Cas ever ask you for help with trapping Raphael, to get information about God?”

 

Dean smiled, as if recalling a fond memory. “Oh, yeah. Took him to a brothel the night before that.”

 

Cas couldn’t help but mirror the smile. “I was so afraid at the prospect of having sex. Especially because it was forbidden and I still needed to get used to the fact that I was making my own decisions. You wanted to show me how to enjoy my life and no one had ever wanted me to.” He gave Dean a grateful, soft smile. “My favorite memory is you laughing that night. The fun you had.”

 

The way his smile grew wider was almost breathtaking. “I hope that was my Cas’s favorite memory. Did your Dean and you end up in Purgatory?”

 

Cas raised an eyebrow in surprise as he breathed out, “Yes, we did. Dean searched everywhere for me and refused to leave me behind. I was torn between guilt and selfishness. I hated to say goodbye to him, but at that time I felt like I didn’t deserve anything good in my life. Anything that would make me happy.”

 

Dean nodded and sighed. “You were always so damn selfless.”

 

"I certainly didn't feel that way. I remember all your prayers and how much I wished I could just fly to you, tell you everything... everything I felt." He shook his head before he continued, "You never knew, but the reason I felt so torn, and thought I needed to stay away from you, was how it all started. My decision to work with Crowley. My feelings for you were the reason I worked with him and I felt so guilty after everything, that I felt I needed to stay away from you. So I would never hurt anyone, ever again."

 

“Wait, you worked with Crowley because you had feelings for me? I’m not connecting the dots here.”

 

Cas sighed deeply. “When everything was over, the Apocalypse averted, I returned to Heaven and I felt lost. I returned to you, invisibly, watching you, how you struggled to move on with your life without Sam. I wanted to help you, I needed you to be happy. So I went down to Hell to free Sam from the cage. At that time I had no idea I raised him without his soul. All I could think of was making you happy again. And when Raphael challenged me in Heaven, telling me he would restart the end of the world, the only thing I could think of was I couldn’t let you go through all of that again. You had already been through so much and I just couldn’t go to you for help. I was standing there, watching you rake leaves, trying to move on with your life. Trying to have something normal and I just couldn’t take it away from you. I loved you too much to take it away from you. So, I agreed to Crowley’s plan.”

 

Dean regarded him for a moment before rubbing his chin and shaking his head in amazement. “Wow, Cas. Well, I wish you had. Come and talked to me, I mean. I missed you.”

 

“You did?”

 

“Yeah, man. I considered you a friend pretty fucking early on in our relationship. I mean, I know I was out of the life, but that didn’t mean you and I couldn’t have grabbed a beer together. Caught up.”

 

Cas couldn't look at Dean, he just shook his head. "You were out. Meeting you would have meant to pull you in again."

 

Dean shrugged. “Ended up happenin’ anyway. Sucks we couldn’t have hung out, like real friends.”

 

They ended up at a street to a little town close by when Cas nodded. "I would have wished for more of those moments. We never had enough of those."

 

“Nowhere near enough,” he agreed with a soft sigh. Dean looked at their surroundings and smiled. “I know where we are.”

 

“I wasn’t aware that we were lost,” Cas replied awkwardly.

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “I thought we were.” He shook his head and smiled, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Good ol’, Cas. Guess some things really are the same, no matter the universe.”

 

Cas reacted on instinct before he could think, he violently flinched away from Dean. He was breathing hard, his heart racing a million miles a minute as he looked up in shock, mumbling, "Sorry."

 

“Shit, Cas,” Dean breathed out as he raised his hands in surrender. “I swear I wasn’t gonna hit you.”

 

“I know, Dean. I know.” He tried to get his breathing under control, but it was difficult. “I know you’re not him… I don’t know why I still…” He shook his head, taking in deep, measured breaths.

 

Dean shook his head in confusion. “What can I do to help? I can just, not touch you, if that’s what’s freaking you out?”

 

Cas bit his lower lip so hard that he tasted blood before he nodded and breathed out, "Yes, I'm sorry, Dean. Please don't touch me. Maybe it's just too fresh... maybe I just need time."

 

“Yeah, yeah. I got it. I’m sorry, I’ll try to remember. If I fuck up sometimes, it’s just…” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. No touching, I promise,” he said as he drew an invisible X over his chest.

 

"It's just what, Dean?" Cas asked quietly, wondering why his heart was still beating so fast.

 

Dean sighed. “I don’t want you to feel guilty, ‘cause I’m pretty sure every version of you is inclined to feeling guilty... It’s just, I’m not used to having to censor myself around you, you know? So, I might forget. You’re so much like him, I kind of forget you aren’t.”

 

Dean was right. He was feeling guilty about that. Dean knew him too well. “I’m sorry that I’m not him. I hope that, in time, I can break through the way he conditioned me.”

 

“Hey, even if you can’t… Look, Cas. This whole situation is new to me, too. But you gotta know, it’s okay if you never break it. Just know me and Sammy will always be there, if you need us. I know we don’t know each other like we knew our counterparts, but… I do care about you.”

 

Cas gave him a weak smile. "I care about you, too... And I can't wait to see Sam again."

 

Dean chuckled. “Oh, man. He’s gonna be fucking psyched to see you.”

 

"I missed him so much. I'm still not sure how I will feel when I see him again." He was worried that seeing Sam would break him, but he just needed to see him.

 

“We can take it easy. Go at your pace.” Dean smiled reassuringly as he turned at the street corner, back on the road that led directly to the bunker. “I’ll give him a heads up, you know, to not touch you. He’ll probably try to hug you.”

 

"Um, Dean, that is quite alright. He can hug me. It's just... you," Cas replied quietly. 

 

“Oh,” he said, his tone of voice sounded sad and dejected. “Alright.”

 

"I'm sorry, Dean." He gave him a pained look. "In my mind, I know you're not him and I trust you. But you still... look like him. It – it will take time."

 

“It’s fine, Cas.” Dean snorted in derision. “Now I’m jealous of the other Dean. It’s weird being jealous of myself.”

 

"I'm afraid you misunderstand me, Dean. I don't want you to touch me because I'm afraid of you in those moments. I feel like panic overwhelms me, like I’m going to die. I just don’t want to feel like that.”

 

“And you misunderstand me, Cas. I’m not jealous of  _ your  _ Dean. I’m jealous of the Dean that killed your Dean. The fucker who did this to you. You shouldn’t…” Dean rifled a hand through his hair in frustration. “You shouldn’t be feeling like that at all. Someone you loved, who told you he loved you, should have never treated you that way. And if that was what was to become of me? No matter how much shit releasing the darkness caused, I’m glad... fucking  _ elated,  _ I did it. If what he did to you was my possible future.”

 

It was moments like these that showed Cas how much this Dean was like the Dean he fell in love with. The righteousness, the fierceness, and protectiveness; all of those traits were clearly a core part of this version of Dean as well. He gave him a soft smile. “Thank you for saying that… I just want you to know that my… ‘hang ups’ don’t have anything to do with you. I don’t see you that way.”

 

Dean let out a mirthless chuckle. “No, I just look and sound exactly like him. Want me to get a new face? Maybe change my voice? I do a mean Australian accent…”

 

Cas couldn't help but chuckle before he stepped in front of Dean to stop him. He reached out, careful and hesitant before he touched Dean's cheek. "I prefer you keep everything about you. You are not a demon. It's him I'm afraid of, not you."

 

Dean leaned into the touch and smiled. “Okay. But give me the word and,” his voice changed to a fairly decent Australian accent as he finished, “I’ll change my voice. Or my face.”

 

Cas couldn't help but laugh again before he realized what he felt and was stunned. He had laughed. For a moment, he had felt happy. He stared at Dean in surprise, his hand still on the man’s cheek before he slowly pulled away. "Um, sorry. Thank you."

 

Dean gave him a dopey smile. “For what?”

 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck. "For..." He chuckled and shook his head. "Everything. Saving me, mostly."

 

“I’m just glad you’re willing to give this a shot.” Dean nodded and proceeded to start walking. The bunker was in sight, they would arrive shortly.

 

Cas tilted his head in surprise over his own feelings. “I am, too, Dean.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean was more than relieved that the weird, awkward tension from the start of this insane journey had finally ebbed away. But he was seriously pissed at his dead doppelgänger. The fucker tried to break Cas in every way imaginable. And he’d almost succeeded. If he wasn’t sure whether or not this Cas would hear him, he would have prayed to his own Cas, just to vent. 

 

He couldn’t count how many times he’d done that, and it was kind of jarring to realize that he’d never get to do that again. Dean missed his Cas, but he was glad, grateful even, for the chance to have a new start with this version of Cas. 

 

When they finally reached the bunker, Dean flashed a smile in Cas’s direction before he pulled his key out of his back pocket and opened the bunker door. As he descended the stairs, Cas right behind him, Dean called out, “Honey! I’m home!”

 

The lack of answer wasn’t concerning. Dean saw Baby outside and, knowing Sammy, he was probably holed up in his bedroom, binge watching something on Netflix, or maybe in the kitchen grabbing something. 

 

That was, until he saw the blood. Instantly, Dean’s instincts were on high alert. He took a protective stance in front of Cas and drew his gun. “Sammy?” he called out. 

 

Cas looked pale as he knelt next to the blood, hovering his hand over it. "It's Sam's. Where is he?"

 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t know. You stay here, I’m gonna go check the rest of the bunker.”

 

It was a fruitless endeavor, he was sure of it. He just hoped that he wouldn’t find his brother’s body. Dean refused to believe Sam was dead, but he  _ was  _ a Winchester. A win like saving a Cas from another dimension of course had to come with some fucking consequences.

 

After checking every possible place that Sam could be, Dean made his way back to the library, seeing Sam’s laptop on one of the tables. He pulled it open and sat down, calling out to Cas, “I don’t know what happened, but I think I can try and figure it out.”

 

“How?” Cas sat down next to him, giving the laptop a suspicious look.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head, a small smile curving his lips. “Gonna hack the traffic cams. Can you use your mojo to find out how old that blood is?”

 

"Of course." Cas stood up and walked over to the pool of blood again, sniffing at the air. "Four hours."

 

“Perfect,” he murmured as he pulled up all of the different cameras that faced the couple of roads that led to the bunker’s location. He scrolled through them, rewinding the footage to the approximate time frame that Cas had given him.

 

The same black SUV was shown leaving the direction of the bunker on two different cameras at around the right time frame. He zoomed in and snagged a pic of the license plate with his cell. Dean nodded to Cas and closed the laptop. “Not much, but it’s a start.”

 

“You think someone kidnapped Sam?” Cas asked in a worried tone, leaning against the table.

 

Dean shrugged. “I wish I could tell you no, but… Baby’s outside, his blood is on the ground, and he’s nowhere in sight. And dude never leaves for a case or anything without his laptop. So, if he  _ was  _ kidnapped, the fucker who did it messed with the wrong damn family.”

 

“Who knows that you live here?” Cas looked around the bunker, appearing tense as Hell. "In my world, the location of the bunker was a secret."

 

Well, it was until they all needed to band together to take out a big bad that threatened everything. Dean let out a sigh. “Uh, well… That’s not really the case here.” He rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, putting it up to his ear and giving a pointed look to Cas in response to the confused one the angel gave him.

 

“Crowley! By any chance, you and Sammy aren’t grabbing a drink together, are you?”

 

Cas's eyebrows went up to his hairline as soon as Dean said Crowley’s name, after that he looked really uncomfortable. Dean almost missed Crowley's response. "Why the bloody hell would I do that? And shouldn't you be dead?"

 

“When the hell do any of us stay dead anymore? Anyway, I was just checking. Go back to… whatever evil shit you’re doing.”

 

“Maybe your brother’s on a bender? I mean, he still thinks you’re dead, right?” Crowley asked, a weird, soft undertone in his usually snarky voice.

 

Dean sighed. “I found his blood in the bunker. And all his stuff.”

 

“Well, that sounds incriminating. Anything I can do?” Crowley asked, much to Dean’s surprise.

 

“Uh… If I give you a license plate number, can you locate the owner?”

 

“Of course. You saved the world, after all. Figure I owe you a favor. What’s the plate?” When Dean looked up, he noticed Cas was cowering again, holding his arms protectively over his stomach.

 

Dean furrowed his brow at Cas, but gave Crowley the plate number, “Four, four, six, Alpha, Tango, Foxtrot.” He leaned over and whispered to Cas, “Are you okay?”

 

Cas nodded tersely, but he looked the exact opposite of okay. "Okay, got it. I should have your information in a few minutes. I'll text you."

 

“Thanks, Crowley. I’ll steal you a nice bottle of scotch or something.”

 

The King of Hell chuckled before he murmured a, "Good luck," and hung up on him.

 

Cas was breathing a little funny when he put his phone down. Before Dean could ask what was wrong again, he breathed out, "You're friends with Crowley?"

 

“Well,” he started in a higher pitch, “I wouldn’t say  _ friends,  _ so much as reluctant allies. He helped us save the world.” Dean looked at Cas, resisting the urge to place his hand consolingly on the guy’s shoulder before he asked, “Why are you so freaked out?”

 

“He is a demon,” was the sole answer.

 

“And yet you joined forces with him to open Purgatory,” Dean pointed out.

 

"Which was one of my biggest mistakes." Cas’s lips were pressed into a thin line as he looked down at the floor. Dean almost didn't catch his next words, "Crowley was also a good friend to my Dean... after he became a demon." 

 

“Ah,” he murmured. Now it made sense. Dean ducked his head to make eye contact with Cas. “Hey, I promise. Crowley and me? We broke up for good after I stopped being a demon.”

 

Cas still looked unsure, but nodded anyway. "Okay," he murmured quietly. "I'm sorry. It's just... everything... it's hard to forget.”

 

Dean nodded. He was seriously glad that other Dean was dead, because he was feeling homicidal towards the bastard. “I get it. While I’m sort of friends with the King of Hell, you and Sammy will always come first. And if it makes you feel better, even though he’s really been kind of a stand up guy lately, if I had to choose between hurting you or him? No fucking contest.”

 

Cas gave him a soft smile and a nod. "I believe you. Guess there are a few things I’ll just have to get used to."

 

“If I punch him dead in the face next time we’re all in the same room, will that help?”

 

Cas chuckled and gave him a shy smile. “Although I would love to see that, it won't be necessary, Dean."

 

Dean smirked at him. “Just say the word, at any point, and I’ll do it.”

 

“The fact that you would do that for me is… it’s really nice, thank you.” Cas walked close to Dean, right into his personal space as he leaned against the table again. 

 

“Hey, we watch out for each other. It’s what we do.”

 

Dean's phone chirped with a new message, interrupting Cas, who looked like he was about to say something. It was the address of the owner of the car.

 

He smiled at Cas. “You up for it?” he asked as he held out his phone.

 

“Of course.” Cas gave him another smile before he pushed himself away from the table. “I like to be outside. I haven’t been for a long time.”

 

And yet another reason to hate his doppelgänger was just added to the ever growing list. Dean grabbed the spare keys to Baby he kept behind a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance before they made their way outside. “Well, does being outside in the best car ever count?”

 

Cas nodded quietly, his gaze flickering over the Impala's backseat for a moment before he swallowed and murmured, "We should hurry. I'm worried about Sam."

 

“On it,” Dean said as he slid behind her wheel and made his kitten purr. “Let’s go get the missing member of Team Free Will.”


	3. All your life

**Chapter 3**

 

After some investigation and Cas punching a few people to get information, they found an abandoned house that was warded against angels. Cas couldn’t go inside with Dean, so he waited by the Impala, going mad with worry about Sam and Dean. He felt incredibly helpless and he hated it.

 

He whirled around when he heard a car approaching. His angel blade in hand and at the ready without consciously thinking about it. It was a black, expensive car that parked directly behind the Impala. Cas tensed when the door opened and a man in a suit exited. He was smaller than him, green eyes and dark hair. A full beard framing a gentle smirk as his eyes fell on him. He had a thick British accent when he spoke, “Ey, mate. You can put the blade away. Not here to harm you."

 

Cas did no such thing. He didn't trust the guy. "Who are you? Did you kidnap Sam?"

 

The man opened his jacket to show he was unarmed. “Name’s Mick Davies. Are you talking about Sam Winchester?”

 

“Yes. The house is warded against angels, so I guess he's in there?" Cas growled at the other man.

 

Mick smiled. “I mean you no harm. I’m actually here to check on the progress of enlisting the Winchesters.”

 

“Enlisting? What are you talking about? We came home and Sam’s blood was on the floor. What did you do to him?” Cas yelled at the other man. He was worried sick.

 

At that the man’s features appeared genuinely surprised. He furrowed his brow. “No. No harm was supposed to come to him.” Mick went onto the grounds and fiddled with something on the side of the house. Cas could actually feel the wardings power down. He returned and said, “As a show of faith, I implore you to accompany me into the house.”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at the man and nodded. “I warn you to not try any tricks.”

 

Mick raised his hands in surrender. “Not my profession. Anymore,” he said with a wink.

 

Cas felt confused by the man. Shaking his head, he tried to ignore it as he nodded towards the door. “You go in first.”

 

Mick opened the door, which led to a rather rundown entryway. There didn’t appear to be any activity. The man nodded for Cas to follow him as he made his way through the house, to what appeared to be a door that led to a basement. Without hesitation, he opened the door and started walking down the stairs.

 

For a moment, Cas froze when he saw Sam unconscious and tied to a chair, obviously having been tortured. When his eyes found Dean on the ground, a blonde woman punching him as she hovered over him, holding him down, he darted forward and pushed her away from Dean, grabbing the hunter to pull him away from her. He quickly looked over his injuries, a broken rib, a few deep lacerations from a knife. “Dean!” He held up his blade, but the anticipated attack from the woman never came.

 

Instead, she and the man, Mick Davies, were arguing about something Cas was no longer listening to. He looked back at Dean, pressing two fingers against his forehead to heal him. “Are you okay, Dean?” he asked as he helped him up.

 

Dean chuckled brokenly. “My hero,” he coughed. He looked at his brother. “Do you have enough juice to heal Sammy? I think he’s out cold.”

 

Cas touched Dean's cheek for a moment longer, before he shook himself out of the worry and quickly walked over to the chair. "Sam?" Sam didn't react. Cas held two fingers against his forehead and healed every injury on the younger Winchester's body. 

 

Dean was kneeling next to him, cutting the rope that bound Sam to the chair. When Sam groaned and opened his eyes, they widened in shock. "Cas! You're alive?" 

 

“It’s a long story,” Cas replied before he helped Sam up. “It’s good to see you.” 

 

When Sam's eyes fell on his brother, he coughed in shock. "Dean? What? But… fuck, am I dead?"

 

Dean let out a relieved laugh and shook his head. “No. We’re here to rescue you, or rather, Cas is here to rescue us.” He looked at Cas and smiled. In that moment, he appeared to remember everything that had happened and grabbed Cas’s angel blade, holding it out at Mick and the woman. 

 

Mick held up his arms in a defensive gesture. “I’m unarmed!”

 

“Oh, well that changes everything! Let’s be besties and go grab a beer,” Dean sneered as he took a more protective stance in front of his brother and Cas.

 

"You have nothing to fear. We were keen on knowing the two of you, seeing as you seem to be partially carrying on the Men of Letters' work here, even though the American chapter is defunct. Part of our group suspected some kind of malfeasance amongst you American Hunters. But no argument – Lady Bevell went too far. I deeply apologize."

 

“Yeah, an apology ain’t gonna cut it. How about you leave right now, and we’ll get our apology out of her?” Dean challenged.

 

Mick shook his head, his voice suddenly dropped, "She'll face consequences in London. She's ours. We'll take care of her. Now, I'm here to extend an olive branch. We want to work with you."

 

“Yeah, buddy. Whatever you’re sellin’, we ain’t buyin’.”

 

Mick smiled at them. "Lads… if I wasn't sincere, if I meant you harm, there's a dozen ways I could've come in here and taken you all prisoner instead of being unarmed. Not to mention, I powered down all the wardings in this shack so your attack dog could come in." The man looked Cas over and gave him a wink, confusing him again before he said, "I reckon you could finish me off without breaking a sweat. Am I right?"

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him, growling, "I don't sweat under any circumstances."

 

Mick looked impressed before he gave him another smile. He reached over, holding out a card for Cas to take. "My number." He turned to look at the others again after Cas reluctantly took the card from him. "Take your time, cool down, and just think it over. And what have you got to lose, except your worst nightmares?"

 

Dean didn’t respond, he simply shoved past Mick on his way up the stairs, intentionally bumping into him as he scowled at the woman standing behind Mick. He stood in front of her, essentially blocking her on the staircase as he nodded for Cas and Sam to go upstairs.

 

Cas looked up at Sam. “Can you walk?”

 

Sam smiled and said, “Thanks to you.” He started walking up the stairs, giving Mick and the woman the same level of angered glares his brother was. 

 

Cas made sure he was the last one to leave the building, just in case this Mick character wouldn’t keep his word. When they reached the car, he couldn’t help but smile as he watched Sam pull Dean into a tight hug. He felt incredibly relieved and it was amazing to see Sam alive and well again. 

 

He was happy that he was able to help Dean find Sam. It felt good to be useful.

 

Before he realized what had happened, he was yanked into a hug by the taller Winchester. “Man, I’m so glad you’re back!” 

 

For a moment longer, he tried to keep up the illusion as he hugged Sam tighter. When he let go, he gave Sam a sad look. “I’m not  _ your _ Cas. I’m sorry. Dean saved me from another dimension.”

 

Sam shook his head in confusion. “What?”

 

Dean smiled. “Get in the car, we’ll explain on the way. But, uh, Sam, you should let Cas ride shotgun, seeing as he saved our asses.”

 

Cas was incredibly grateful for Dean's offer. While in certain circumstances he felt he had a semblance of control over his fears, sitting in the backseat of the Impala certainly triggered a lot of memories he wanted to forget. "Thank you, Dean," he murmured gratefully.

 

Sam slapped Cas on his shoulder before he went to the back seat. “Sure thing, man.”

 

The shy smile Dean flashed him over the vehicle’s roof was confusing. Before he could think of questioning it, Dean had already gotten in.

 

His heart was beating faster. As he sat down next to Dean, he risked another glance towards him, returning a shy smile when he noticed. Cas looked out of the window, feeling slightly weird in his chest and stomach. Luckily, he was distracted by Sam leaning forward when Dean started the car. "So, what’s this about a different dimension? What happened with Amara, Dean?"

 

Dean chuckled. “Believe it or not, I ended up talkin’ shit out with her. I know, I know, but keep your smug comments to yourself,” he said as he raised his hand. “Anyway, she said there was a Cas out there that had lost everything and if I saved him, I could save myself. She granted me, I don’t know, an ability to universe jump and Cas here agreed to come home with me.” Dean smiled at Cas as he said that.

 

Cas returned the smile before he needed to look away again. Every time Dean smiled at him like that, his heart skipped a beat.

 

"What did she mean by, 'save yourself'?" Sam asked thoughtfully. 

 

“Not a damn clue, but clearly, he did save us today.”

 

Sam chuckled and patted Cas's shoulder. "I know you're not our Cas, but still... it's good to have you here."

 

"Thank you, Sam. I'm glad to be here, too. I missed you two a lot." Cas replied with a soft smile as he turned to Sam.

 

Dean’s hand twitched, as though he were about to reach out to Cas, but he retracted it at the last moment. “Let’s go: Team Free Will.”

 

“I haven’t heard that in a while.” Cas smiled at Dean before he leaned against the backrest and tried to relax. He wanted to change his mindset, chanting a mantra in his head, over and over, that he was safe, even though he was sitting in the Impala. 

 

“How about some tunes? Any requests?” Dean asked as he reached over the backrest to dig for the box of cassette tapes that he kept under the seat.

 

"I always enjoyed Led Zeppelin," Cas suggested carefully. When Dean was a demon, he hated music, he didn't even like his car anymore.

 

Dean’s grin could have lit up a city. “Hell yeah!” He grabbed the box successfully and pulled it over to drop it on the seat between them. “Find Led Zeppelin Two,” he said to Cas as he merged onto the freeway.

 

Cas sorted through the tapes with a contented smile. Dean was so much like his Dean before the stupid Mark of Cain. It was incredible to see. He had never thought he would see him like that again. He pulled out the tape and pushed it carefully in the cassette player. When music he hadn't heard in over two years started to play, he knew he had made the right decision when he agreed to come with Dean. It really felt like a new beginning.

 

Dean quirked his brow and gave him a serious expression. “What do you think you’re doing, Cas?”

 

Cas’s reverie came to an abrupt stop as he glanced over at Dean in fear. "What?"

 

He shook his head and leaned over, flashing him a smile. “You always crank Zepp to eleven,” Dean said as he turned the volume up. 

 

Cas's heart was hammering, practically in his throat, as he tried to calm down his breathing. This was not the demon. This was  _ Dean. _

 

_ What do you think you're doing? _

 

Cas squeezed his eyes shut, trying to forget the memory that was trying to push its way to the forefront of his mind. The memory of the one time he had tried to cut through the Enochian ankle shackles. The shackles that had held him captive in the bunker in the beginning, and the awful night Dean had caught him trying to free himself.

 

“Cas, you’re breathing funny,” Sam said as he braced his hand on Cas’s shoulder.

 

Cas flinched away for a moment, before he realized it was just Sam. "Sorry, I just..." He shook his head and looked out of the window, trying to calm down. "Don't worry."

 

“Did… did I do something?” Dean asked, his tone rife with concern.

 

"It's okay, Dean. I'm fine. Just give me a minute." He didn't want Dean to worry. It wasn't Dean's fault that Cas was damaged.

 

Suddenly the vehicle came to a stop. Dean turned off the engine and turned to look at Cas. “Look, if you don’t wanna talk about it, or whatever, that’s fine. But what happened to you? What did he do?” Cas caught the way Sam mouthed ‘He?’ at Dean before the older Winchester shook his head at his brother. 

 

Cas looked at Sam for a moment, feeling unsure before he looked back at Dean. "I..." He shook his head. "He kept me in the bunker for two years. I just had a flashback. I'll be fine in a moment." 

 

“Cas? Can I tell Sammy? It’s okay if you don’t want him to know.” Dean was being so unbelievably kind. And sadly, he still felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, even though he was well aware that this Dean and the demon were nothing alike, other than in appearance.

 

He bit his lower lip before he nodded quickly. Not that he wanted Sam to know, but it would make things easier.

 

“Would you rather I tell him outside? So you don’t have to hear it?”

 

Cas thought about it for a moment, but then he shook his head. He pressed his fingers into his own palm, keeping his gaze trained on his lap.

 

He felt Dean shift to pull his leg up on the seat, likely to face his brother. “The, uh… dimension or universe, or whatever I found Cas in, he was in a world where you guys didn’t cure me of being a demon. So, I killed you, and Cas and the demon version of me, we, uh… We had an Ike and Tina Turner thing going on.”

 

Cas had no idea who that was, but when he looked up at Sam, seeing how shocked he looked, it couldn't have been anything good. "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry, Cas. Is seeing Dean... difficult for you?"

 

Cas nodded before he shook his head. "I don't know. Sometimes. Just when he says something or does something that the demon had said or done. I know Dean isn't him. I  _ know  _ that. But I get flashbacks. I can't control them."

 

“Is there anything that helps? Anything I can do to make you realize or remember I’m not him?” Dean braced his hand on the backrest and faced him. His expression concerned but determined.

 

Cas wished there was a simple solution, but there just wasn't. He shook his head. "Just be yourself. The rest will come with time."

 

Dean nodded, still looking like he carried the world on his shoulders. “You sure you don’t want the accent?”

 

He couldn't help but smile again. He shook his head before he looked up at Dean. Into green, warm eyes; not cold, black ones. "Actually, I think the accent is very funny. And distracting."

 

“Then Aussie Dean it is,” he said with an Australian accent. 

 

“You don’t have to do that all the time, Dean.” Cas grinned, relieved when he noticed that Dean smiled back at him.

 

“Well, if you ever need it, just say the word,” Dean said in his normal voice.

 

Cas nodded before he felt a hand on his shoulder. Sam’s voice was soft and soothing as he said, “If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. Sometimes talking about a trauma like this can help you heal, to work through it.”

 

The last thing Cas wanted to do was talk about it. He felt shame, a feeling he shouldn't even know as an angel. He faced Sam before he shook his head. “I'm not sure if I can. But thank you.”

“And if talking isn’t your thing, I can always take you out to go shooting. Get your anger out the good, old fashioned way,” Dean offered with a wink.

 

Cas tilted his head as he looked at Dean. "I'm not angry. I feel... ashamed, weak, afraid... Not angry."

 

Sam squeezed his shoulder. "I usually don't agree with Dean's coping mechanisms, but in this case... you  _ should  _ be angry, Cas."

 

“And dude, the last thing you should feel is ashamed, or weak. Not many people could have lived that long in a situation like that. And we promise, we’ll never give you reason to be afraid, ever again. Well, not if we can help it,” Dean assured. 

 

Cas didn’t know what to say. It felt overwhelming to be back with them again. Just the way he knew them. It was still hard to believe. He gave them both a soft smile. “It’s still so surreal. To see you both again. I sometimes catch myself thinking I’m just dreaming.”

 

Dean chuckled. “I’m just glad you’re not in that fucked up situation anymore.”

 

“Me, too,” Cas murmured and he knew he meant it. It had taken a while to come to that conclusion, mostly because a part of him still thought that he deserved the punishment and treatment he received from the demon. Seeing Sam alive had changed that. To know that in another universe he had saved him in time was a huge relief.

 

After a beat of silence, when Dean had gotten back on the road, he glanced at Cas and said, “Where do you want to go? Being stuck in the bunker for two years, is there anywhere you wanted to go?”

 

“Did he keep you in the bunker all that time?” Sam asked before Cas could answer.

 

He turned to the younger Winchester. “Yes, at first I tried to flee, but he trapped and bound me to the bunker with Enochian ankle shackles.”

 

“But you're not wearing them anymore,” Sam stated, but it came out more like a question.

 

Cas shook his head before he quietly admitted, “He released me after a year because he knew I wouldn’t flee anymore.”

 

Dean nodded, clicking his tongue, indicating he was trying to not say what he was actually thinking. A habit both Deans appeared to have. “Well, the offer still stands. We could hit up a 50’s diner and get milkshakes, go to a museum. Whatever the fuck you want.”

 

“I'm okay, Dean. I can only fight my fears when I confront them. The bunker is your home.” Putting off the inevitable wouldn’t work, he needed to get used to it.

 

Sam’s hand was still on his shoulder and it felt calming. The younger Winchester gave him a nod before he added, “And you can go out whenever you want or need to. Our Cas and I… we talked about building a garden outside once.”

 

Cas gave Sam a bright smile. “I remember having that exact conversation with my Sam, too. He wanted a garden for vegetables and I like to watch the bees.”

 

Sam chuckled and nodded in apparent wonder. “Exactly! Man, I wonder how similar our dimensions were?”

 

Cas wondered that, too. “They seem to diverge after you died in my world from what I’ve learned so far.”

 

“It’s kind of crazy. But yeah, you two can have your girly garden, but that means I get to turn one of the rooms into a man cave.” Dean grinned at Cas.

 

“A man cave?” Cas asked carefully. “That sounds…”

 

“Creepy?” Sam suggested.

 

Cas nodded before he tensed.  _ Are you criticizing me, Cas? _

 

He tried to relax and breathe through it, hoping they wouldn't notice. Sam massaged his shoulder and gave him a nod when he turned to him. Cas took in a deep breath before he looked at Dean. “Creepy is accurate.”

 

Dean feigned being offended with an over the top gasp. “You two are heathens. What’s creepy about a sixty inch TV with comfy chairs, Zepp on vinyl, a mini fridge full of beer, and a pool table?”

 

“You called it a cave. Caves are creepy,” Cas explained, wondering how that was even a question.

 

Sam laughed. “There you go, Dean. You shouldn't name things.”

 

“I happen to think I’m great at naming things. And besides, man cave is the term, I didn’t make it up!” Dean chuckled and leaned back to ruffle Sam’s hair.

 

Sam tried to flee from Dean's hand with a chuckle. "Dude, keep your hands out of my hair."

 

Cas couldn't help but smile at them. He had missed them so much.

 

“But it’s so pretty!” Dean protested as he tried to reach for Sam’s head again. 

 

Sam chuckled and tried to push Dean's hand away. "It won’t be pretty anymore if you destroy it with your cave man hands."

 

Cas held his hand in front of his mouth to keep himself from laughing. It failed.

 

Dean chuckled and finally relented. “Fine. I’ll stop touching your hair, Princess.” He craned his neck slightly. “You hungry, Sammy? I can’t imagine that British bitch fed you?”

 

As if on cue, Sam's stomach rumbled and he sighed deeply. "Oh, man, yes. I'm so hungry I could eat a whole... salad."

 

Dean let out a frustrated groan. “You were tortured for how long? You probably need meat or something.”

 

“I’ll eat a salmon salad then,” Sam replied smoothly. Cas could see the smirk on Sam's face. He was clearly "messing" with Dean.

 

“Fine, Cas gets to choose. Burger joint, or somewhere gross and healthy, Cas?” 

 

"Since I'm the one who can't eat in the group, I shouldn't be the one choosing where to eat," Cas answered carefully. 

 

Dean laughed. “No, that’s exactly why you  _ should  _ choose. Because you can’t let your stomach decide.”

 

Cas bit his lower lip as he looked between Sam and Dean. He didn’t like to choose between them. Although healthy sounded like the better option, it wasn’t what Dean wanted. Going with Dean’s choice somehow felt safer as he replied quietly, “Um, burger.”

 

“Yes!” Dean pumped his fist in triumph. “I know just the place.”

 

Cas turned back to Sam with an apologetic look, but Sam just smiled softly at him and shook his head. He looked out of the window again, wondering how long it would take to free himself of his fears. 

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Sam had still managed to order a damn salad at the diner they ended up at, and gave Dean a smug smile as he stuffed his face with rabbit food. But when he tried to steal one of Dean’s fries, he let him, seeing as it probably was a dick move to deprive a guy who’d been tortured and starved for a couple of days.

 

Cas stayed weirdly quiet the whole meal, just watching the two of them eat like cavemen and discuss random shit that didn’t mean anything, just because they could. The only time Cas said anything was when Dean pushed the sugar jar in front of him with a knowing smile. 

 

When they finally reached the bunker, Dean was grateful to finally be home, with his entire family for once. And despite all of the shit he’d seen in the last couple of days, he couldn’t help but feel grateful for that fact. 

 

“Alright, first order of business: beer! Then I say we get Cas set up with a room,” Dean announced as he tossed his jacket over the railing near the bottom of the staircase and made a beeline for the kitchen. 

 

Cas followed him with a confused look on his face. “Dean, I have a room.”

 

Dean regarded him for a moment, unsure how he should word what he wanted to say. “Wouldn’t you want a different room?”

 

Cas didn't answer for a moment, which was kind of answer enough. "I... I don't want to be a bother."

 

“It’s not a bother, dude. This place has so many rooms. Hell, pick the one you want, and we’ll get everything set up. But you don’t get turndown service. Sorry.” Dean smiled at him as he grabbed a beer from the fridge for himself and Sammy.

 

Cas nodded and quietly sat down at the table with them, looking like he was making himself tiny and inconspicuous. Dean noticed the worried look Sam was giving him over his beer.

 

Dean took a swig of his beer and looked at Cas. “Cas, I promise, you can relax. Hell, you can do whatever you want. If you want to run naked through the bunker singing, ‘I Feel Pretty,’ at the top of your lungs, you can. I mean, be prepared for me and Sammy to mock you mercilessly for it, but you aren’t a prisoner anymore. This is your home. Not your cage.”

 

Cas nodded before he slowly stood up. "I’ll... just walk around for a while, try to get used to this. Excuse me."

 

Sam touched Cas's wrist before he could leave. "If you don't feel well, come back to us. We're here for you."

 

Cas nodded tensely before he left the kitchen.

 

Dean leaned back against his chair and rifled a hand through his hair. “Fuck, man. What a fucked situation.”

 

"How much do you know about what happened to him? I mean, look, Dean... if we don't know what he did to Cas, we might make things worse." Sam ran his hands through his hair, sounding extremely worried.

 

“I don’t know. I mean, I asked him if he beat him, and he pretty much said he did, but I think… There’s gotta be more, right? It’s like Stockholm Syndrome to the extreme. And how the hell do we ask him? I can’t touch him, even something simple like touching his shoulder and he freaks. Not that I blame him. I have the face of the guy who abused him for two years.” Dean sighed and shook his head. The urge to cry, or punch something, was a little overwhelming. 

 

Sam folded his fingers around his beer thoughtfully. "Remember when he said he had ankle shackles and the demon version of you freed him at some point? I'm right with you on him having a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome. And I think you're right. He probably did more than just beat Cas. I mean, it's  _ Cas.  _ He’s an angel, a warrior. He’s used to violence and being  beaten. I don't think violence alone could have broken him."

 

Dean sighed. “You thinkin’ full on Ike and Tina? Like rape and shit?”

 

Sam shrugged, but nodded after a moment before he quietly admitted, "Yeah."

 

“Fuck,” Dean exhaled. From the way Cas held himself, Dean thought that might have been the case, but it was one thing to  _ think  _ something like that. But the fact Sammy seemed to think so, too… He shook his head. “Fuck, Sammy. That could have been me.” And that reality made Dean feel sick. The fact that him being a demon turned him into the epitome of pure evil. Cas had every right to be terrified of him. 

 

Sam grabbed Dean's hand. "But we saved you from that. And now we need to save Cas. Okay?"

 

“I know, Sammy. Shit. How? I mean, I don’t know how to be around him. I’m scared that I’m gonna trigger a flashback or something.”

 

Sam nodded as he leaned back against his chair with a thoughtful expression. "That's why we need to know, Dean. He needs to open up to one of us, so we don't just stumble blindly into this. I don't want to make it worse."

 

Dean shook his head. “He seems to be more relaxed around you. Maybe you can get him to open up? It feels like everything I talk to him about, it’s like he feels like he  _ has  _ to tell me, even if he doesn’t want to. I know he knows I’m not that Dean, but I think… I don’t know. I think he’s scared I’ll become him? So he’s behaving the way he was trained to.”

 

Sam nodded, rubbing his fingers over his chin. "I'll try to talk to him, Dean. But I don't think he’s scared that you’ll become him. I think that he sometimes gets confused when he sees you. And since we don't know what he did to Cas, we don't know how deep his... conditioning runs."

 

“And I’m guessing driving him to Tijuana to get wasted and crazy isn’t gonna help?” 

 

Sam sighed and shook his head. "I don't believe Cas can work through this with a wild night out, Dean. Give him time, be patient."

 

Dean sighed and took another swig of his beer. “I just hate feeling helpless. I mean, no one deserves that shit, especially not Cas.”

 

"Yeah, man." Sam leaned back against his chair, tiredly rubbing his hand over his face. "We also need to up our security with those British Men of Letters running around. I don't want to throw Cas back into all of the hunting bullshit as long as he is this unstable."

 

“Fuck. I forgot about those asshats. Yeah, if kidnapping is part of their recruitment, we should use the hunter channels to warn everyone.”

 

"Agreed." He slowly stood up from the chair. "We should help Cas with his new room. I seriously need some shut eye."

 

Dean nodded and stood up as well. “Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll get Cas set up then make all the necessary phone calls.”

 

“Sure you don’t need help with that?”

 

“Nah, man. I’ve got it. You could use some sleep. We can tackle all the other bullshit tomorrow.” Dean clapped Sammy’s shoulder and shoved him forward. “Go to bed, don’t make me go all Momma Dean on your ass.”

 

Sam gave him a mock scared look before he held up his hands in surrender with a chuckle. “Alright, mother hen.” His brother left the kitchen with him, looking up when he spotted Cas sitting at the library table. “Night, Cas. I’m going to bed. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to wake me up, okay?”

 

Cas looked up from a book he was reading and nodded with a smile. “Thank you, Sam. Sleep well.”

 

Dean feigned a kick in his brother’s direction as he headed towards the bedrooms. Dean made his way to Cas and sat down across from him. “How’re you doin’?”

 

"I'm fine," Cas answered monosyllabically as he closed the book and gave Dean an attentive look. Dean could have been wrong, but he seemed tired. Could Cas even get tired?

 

“And your real answer is?” Dean asked, trying to keep his tone as unaggressive as possible. 

 

Cas looked down at the table, appearing apologetic. "I'm just tired and I feel tense... I think. But I'm fine mostly."

 

Dean nodded. “Didn’t think angels could get tired.” He offered Cas a small smile. “Wanna go pick a room? Maybe you can try and sleep?”

 

Cas nodded and stood up. To his surprise, he started to unbutton his shirt. When he pulled it aside, Dean could see bruises and cuts littering his body. Cas pointed to a tattoo under his rib cage. One Dean had never seen before. "It keeps me from healing myself and is the reason I need to sleep."

 

His eyes widened in shock. “Are you serious?”

 

Cas nodded and looked down. "I've got another one on my back that is secured by a witch’s spell so I wouldn't be able to remove it. I tried to cut into the tattoo to get rid of the binding, so... he secured it in an alternative way. I’ll die if I try to remove it again."

 

Dean felt like he was going to be sick. The sadistic, twisted shit Cas slowly kept revealing was even beyond his own comprehension. But apparently, there was a version of himself that had Jack the Ripper level ideas. He chewed the inside of his cheek to stop his lip from trembling. “Come on,” he said, his voice only slightly breaking as he started walking to the bathroom, where they kept all of their first aid stuff.

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you. Maybe I shouldn't tell you these things, but I didn't want you to wonder why I need sleep."

 

“No, Cas. Don’t apologize. I want you to open up to us. We need to know these things, so we can do what we can to help you, you know?” Dean opened the door for Cas to go into the bathroom. “But first, I’m gonna do what I can to heal you the old fashioned, human way.”

 

"Okay," Cas breathed out. He hesitated at the bathroom door, looking afraid for a moment. Dean could see how much he tried to pull himself together, a determined and tense look on his face before he stepped into the room.

 

Dean smiled at him, despite the fact he wanted nothing more than to find a way back to that universe and kill his demon doppelgänger himself. “I promise I won’t hurt you. Worst that’ll happen is a little sting from the antiseptic, okay?”

 

Cas let out a frustrated sigh. "I know, Dean. I'm sorry for..." He shook his head. "I know you won't hurt me." The last sentence sounded like he needed it to say it out loud, to convince himself that it was true.

 

“Hey, no need to apologize. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you. How much of a mindfuck. I’m guessing he was nice to you sometimes? To throw you off?” Dean asked as he nodded for Cas to sit up on the counter while he grabbed the big first aid kit. 

 

Cas slowly pulled off his shirt with a muffled groan before hopping onto the counter. "Yes, he could be very gentle and nice sometimes. He sometimes even apologized for hurting me, although he said those times were mostly my fault."

 

Dean snorted in derision as he shook his head. “That’s how emotionally abusive assholes work. Make it seem like you’re the fuck up and they’re only reacting to you, as opposed to just being fucked up people. And after so many years, you start to believe them.” 

 

Cas shook his head slowly. "He had clear rules. It was my fault that I was too stupid to follow them."

 

_ Fuck.  _ It was worse than he thought. And Dean was terrified of fucking up, but he couldn’t stop himself. “You get that no matter what you did, you would be wrong? Say that fucker told you to not bring him an opened beer after you did, that he liked twisting the cap off himself and beat your ass as ‘punishment’. And the next time you bring him a beer with the cap on, he’s pissed because you couldn’t even save him the trouble of taking it off for him. You get where I’m goin’?”

 

Cas stared at him, a tear running down his cheek. "He wasn't like that. He always... rewarded me when I followed his orders. He even freed me from my shackles because I did good."

 

Dean covered his mouth with his hands and shakily exhaled. “He rewarded you by not beating you?”

 

Cas shook his head slowly. "He let me read a book and he kissed me. Sometimes he let me sleep for a few hours."

 

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean choked out, turning his back to Cas to compose himself. He took a few deep breaths and counted to ten so he wouldn’t fucking cry. After he felt a little more controlled, he pulled out a few cotton balls and the hydrogen peroxide. “Is it okay if I touch you to do this? If you’d rather I didn’t, I can walk you through what to do to yourself?”

 

Cas seemed to think about it for a moment before he nodded slowly, sounding a bit breathless, "You can touch me."

 

“If it gets to be too much, just tell me to stop and I will.” Dean waited for Cas to tell him as much. He didn’t want the angel to feel coerced in any way. 

 

Cas nodded and as he looked at him, his lips were parted as if he wanted to ask something, but then decided against it, shaking his head. 

 

Dean smiled reassuringly. “You can say whatever you want to say.”

 

Cas visibly paled for a moment before he shook his head. "It was stupid. Just a leftover... compulsion. Because we're in the bathroom."

 

“You can tell me, Cas. You won’t hurt my feelings.” Dean showed both of his hands as he slowly drew closer, gently pressing the cotton balls to a deep laceration on his abdomen.

 

Cas shook his head in defeat. "I'm still so used to following his rules. Even though he is dead. And I know you're not him. I know it. But still I wanted to ask you..." Another tear ran down down his cheek and he looked away from Dean. "If you want me on my knees to... service you with my mouth." 

 

Dean dropped the cotton ball and bottle of peroxide. “Shit.” He bent down to grab them, trying to process what Cas just said. When he stood up again he looked at Cas, the pained grimace on his face causing Dean’s heart to break. “No, Cas. You never,  _ ever  _ have to do anything sexual for me.”

 

Cas started to shiver as a few more tears ran down his cheek. His voice sounded broken when he whispered, "But I want to."

 

“Jesus, Cas. No, you don’t.” He needed to bring Cas back to their world. With a deep breath, Dean focused on putting on the Aussie accent again and said, “You’re not with him, Cas. You’re with me.”

 

Cas blinked and frowned for a moment before he took in a shuddered breath and murmured, “I’m with you. I’m with you, Dean. I’m safe.”

 

Dean smiled and nodded. “You’re amazing. And you  _ are  _ safe. I promise.”

 

Cas stared at him, his lips parted, breathing shallowly as he leaned closer. "Thank you, Dean," he breathed out, his voice barely audible.

 

“No need to thank me.” Dean grabbed a new cotton ball and got to work on disinfecting all of Cas’s open wounds. That’s when he noticed some scar tissue just barely covered by his pants, over his right hip bone. Dean furrowed his brow as he tilted his head to see it better.

 

_ Son of a bitch. _ The word ‘bitch’ had been carved into his skin. Dean swallowed dryly and took a step back, turning around to compose himself again.

 

"Are you alright, Dean?" Cas asked softly. 

 

He angrily wiped away the couple of tears that escaped and nodded. “I’m fine, just need a second.”

 

He heard Cas sliding from the counter, his shirt rustling as he pulled it over and stepped next to him. "I'm sorry you saw me like this. I know I look disgusting. I'm just a used toy."

 

Dean whipped around so fast, he was surprised he didn’t sprain something. “Don’t  _ ever  _ say that, Cas. I’m not disgusted by you. I could never be disgusted by you. You’re… you’re goddamn beautiful.”

 

At that, Cas suddenly shivered and sank to his knees. His voice sounded strange as he said, "Yes, you're beautiful with all my marks. You belong to me."

 

Dean dropped to his knees in front of Cas and gently grasped his shoulders. “Oh, fuck, Cas. I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

Cas didn't react at all. He didn't even tense under his touch. He just stared at some point on the floor, looking like he wasn't even there.

 

_ Shit.  _ Demon Dean probably said those words, too. He needed to do something to break him out of it. He opened the door and bellowed out down the hall, “Sam! Sammy! Get in here!” Dean knew he should probably leave to grab his brother if the guy was out cold, but he didn’t want to leave Cas alone like that.

 

Sam was out of his room in under a minute, looking alarmed and confused, clad only in his boxer shorts and a white t-shirt, his hair standing up in every direction. He ran up to Dean when he spotted him. "What is it? Cas?"

 

“I fucking broke him. I don’t know how to get him to snap out of it,” Dean murmured in dismay as he rifled a hand through his hair. “I was just… Fuck!”

 

Sam nodded and squeezed Dean's shoulder before he walked past him towards Cas. He knelt before the angel and touched his shoulder. "Cas? Hey, can you hear me? It's me, Sam."

 

Cas looked up at Sam in surprise, breathing out, "Sam? You're alive."

 

Sam gave him a smile and nodded. "Yes, you know that. Remember? You're here with us now. You're safe."

 

Cas suddenly pulled Sam into a hug that nearly made his brother lose his balance. 

 

He hugged him back and chuckled. "Want to come with me? The floor here is pretty uncomfortable." 

 

Cas leaned back, looking confused for a moment. His voice sounded normal again as he asked, "What happened?"

 

Dean’s lip trembled and he couldn’t take it anymore. He immediately turned around and went straight for the kitchen. The treacherous tears that escaped burned against his cheeks as he pulled the bottle of whiskey off of the drink cart and took it upstairs and outside. When he reached Baby, he leaned against her hood and just started gulping the hooch, hoping if he drank it fast enough, his hands would stop shaking.

 

What the actual  _ fuck  _ just happened? Dean felt a myriad of different emotions; fear, guilt, nausea, and an intense burning anger he’d never felt before. But the strongest one of all was pure grief. Grief for what this Cas had been through, what brought him to this point. 

 

And the worst part was, all he wanted to do was help and he  _ couldn’t.  _ Dean wasn’t just helpless, he was actually making it  _ worse.  _ And the idea of that absolutely gutted him. The same way it did when he realized Sammy didn’t need his big brother anymore. That he was his own man. But this was… this was its own level of pain. 

 

Dean had finished half the bottle before he choked and ended up causing himself to retch, spitting up a quarter of what he drank in a painful regurgitation that went through his nose. Dean coughed and that’s when the goddamn tears started again.

 

"Dean?" He heard his brother calling out for him from a few feet behind him. 

 

He couldn’t even respond, so instead, he just started drinking the whiskey again, hoping the dehydration from the alcohol would stop the fucking tears. Dean coughed as he finished what was left and threw the bottle at the tree on the other side of Baby. The sound of shattering glass was painfully sympathetic.

 

"Dean, calm down. Fuck.” Sam walked up to him and gripped him by the shoulder. "What can I do?"

 

Dean shoved him off. “Not now, Sammy.”

 

Sam gave him a grim look before he yelled, "The hell, Dean? I can't do this alone. I know you're freaked out right now, but you need to suck it up and be strong for him. If he sees you angry like this, losing it? What do you think will happen?"

 

Dean let out a mirthless chuckle. “Don’t you think I friggin’  _ know  _ that? Why the fuck do you think I left?” He moved away from Sam and started pacing. “It’s not that I’m useless, I’m making shit  _ worse  _ for him. Because there’s a fucking darkness, somewhere in me, that can cause a fucking version of me to do  _ that  _ to another person!”

 

Sam looked away from him for a moment before he asked, "So, what are you going to do, Dean? Are you just going to accept it and give up, believing that you can only do harm, or actually _ be  _ what I think you are. You're his best friend. Cas is family. And you always fought to get him back. Please don't give up now."

 

“How, Sammy?” he asked, having now accepted the permanent dampness on his face. “You saw what I did to him. And I was just trying to help him. You know that fucker used tattoos and magic to basically insure that Cas could never heal himself? Which is why he needs sleep? And oh, yeah. He only got sleep when that fucker  _ allowed  _ him to have it.”

 

Sam attempted to say something and Dean drew closer, interrupting him before he could speak, “Or, oh! How about the fact that while I was cleaning his wounds, he asked me if I required him to drop to his knees and suck me off? And when I told him no, he forced himself to tell me that he fucking  _ wanted  _ it. So, tell me, Sam. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

 

Sam looked as shocked and sick as Dean had felt the moment Cas told him those things. "Fuck," he murmured before he scrubbed his hand over his face. "Look, Dean. You need to show him that you're not him. Like we did in the car on our way back. He needs to see you like you are to get better. I saw him looking at you and he smiled for fuck’s sake. That’s what he needs. Stability, normalcy. He needs his family."

 

Dean let out a shaky exhale. His lip trembled and he couldn’t stop the sob that escaped. “I’m so fucking angry, Sammy.”

 

"I know, Dean." Sam pulled him into a tight hug. "I know. But we’ll get through this."

 

“What if…” He choked on another sob. “Please don’t ever let me go that dark. Please kill me before anything happens.”

 

Sam leaned back to look at him. "You're my brother, Dean and I know you. The Mark was what made you a demon and it's gone now. There’s no way in Hell you’d ever become something like that again. Trust me. I know there’s no darkness in you. And Cas knew it, too."

 

He really wished he could believe that. But  _ fuck,  _ not even Crowley was that sadistic. Clearly that meant there was something wrong deep within him. And that terrified him. Dean swallowed against the lump in his throat. “Just… if it ever happens again, for some reason, you promise me you’ll kill me.”

 

Sam sighed deeply before he nodded. "If it’ll make you feel better. Okay, I promise if you ever go dark side again, I'll punch your lights out." He squeezed Dean’s shoulder, giving him a serious look. “I believe in you though, even if you don’t.”

 

Dean wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket and cleared his throat. “How’s Cas?”

 

“He’s sleeping... um, in my bed." Sam shrugged. "He was pretty tired."

 

And there was the guilt again. Dean nodded. “If you want, you can crash on my bed. I think I’m, uh… I’m gonna sleep in Baby.”

 

Sam shook his head. "No, I’m going back to my room. I want him to see me if he wakes up. I think that’ll make things easier. Sleep in your bed, Dean. You need the rest as much as he does."

 

“I can’t go back in there. Not right now.”

 

“Are you sure you’re okay out here?” Sam asked carefully.

 

Dean scoffed. “Dude, we’ve slept in worse places than Baby.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

“Take care of Cas. I’ll be fine.” Dean gave him a pointed look and firm nod. “I just downed a bottle of whiskey, I’ll sleep good.”

 

“Okay, good. Well, not  _ good,  _ but…” He shook his head. “I'm going to research tomorrow for a way to remove that spell on him… or right now, not sure if I’ll be able to sleep anyway.”

 

Dean definitely understood that. One of the other reasons he pounded the booze. The images Cas’s abuse painted was the stuff of nightmares. He sighed and that’s when a thought occurred to him. “Hey, uh… Give Rowena a call. Crowley actually was the one that found the address that led us to where you were for me. Saying he owed us for saving the world. Maybe she’ll feel that grateful, too?”

 

“Yeah, um, I’ll do that. And Dean… we should try to not let him know that you slept out here and all… he was worried about you before he fell asleep. Last thing he needs is to feel some twisted guilt over it.”

 

Dean sighed and nodded. He was right. Damn him. “Fine. I’ll… I’ll come back in. Just… give me a minute.”

 

“Sure, take your time. I’ll go in and call Rowena.” Sam patted him on the shoulder and turned around to go back inside the bunker.

 

Dean exhaled and leaned against Baby’s hood. He stared down at the shattered remains of the empty bottle and sighed again. Sammy was right about one thing. If they were gonna get Cas through this, he was going to need to suck it up and just keep trying.

 

Using his foot to push himself off of the Impala, Dean finally made his way back to the door and downstairs. He swayed slightly on the steps, which meant the whiskey was starting to kick in.

 

He could hear Sam’s muffled voice in the kitchen as he slipped past to go to his room. As Dean reached for the door handle, he hesitated and walked the few steps to Sammy’s room, carefully opening the door.

 

Thankfully Cas was sleeping, so his presence hopefully wouldn’t terrify him.

 

He still was fully clothed, except for his shoes that were laid out in front of the bed. One arm under his head, the other around his legs, that he had pulled up to his chest. His hair was in disarray, a perpetual frown on his face that shouldn't be there in sleep. Cas looked way too vulnerable.

 

The urge to comfort Cas was overwhelming, but considering Dean was probably the reason for that frown on his face... “I’m sorry, Cas,” he whispered and gently closed the door.

 

For the first time, in a very long time, Dean cried himself to sleep that night. 


	4. You were only waiting for this moment to arise

**Chapter 4**

 

When Cas woke up, he immediately felt panicked for having fallen asleep without permission. And for not being in front of Dean’s bed, waiting with coffee and ready to take his orders. He started to hyperventilate when he didn’t know where he was. He was not in his room. 

 

Suddenly, strong hands gently cupped his cheeks and a face came into focus. A face he hadn’t seen in years. “Breathe, Cas. Deep breaths. You’re safe. It's me, Sam.”

 

And then it all came rushing back. How the demonic version of his Dean was killed and how he was saved by a Dean from another dimension, a world where Sam was still alive.

 

_ Sam…  _ It was still unreal to see him, to feel him, and to hear his voice. “Sam,” he whispered, afraid this had all been a dream and the illusion might shatter at any moment.

 

Sam smiled at him. “Yeah, it's me, buddy. Do you remember where you are?”

 

Cas nodded before the younger Winchester knelt back on the bed and handed him a coffee. “It’s mostly sugar, just how you like it.”

 

“Thank you,” Cas mumbled shyly before he looked around. “I'm sorry. Did I fall asleep in your bed?”

 

Sam chuckled and took a sip from his coffee. “Yeah, you were pretty tired and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

Cas chewed his lower lip, trying to make sense of his jumbled memories. “Is Dean okay? I think I upset him.”

 

“Don’t worry. Dean’s fine. He was only worried about you. We both are,” Sam replied in a soft tone of voice.

 

“I'm sorry. I didn’t want to worry you.” Cas hated to feel like a burden.

 

Sam put his hands on Cas’s shoulders and squeezed. For some reason, his touch felt very calming. “Cas, you’re our family. All we care about is making you better. You’ve been through a nightmare and it left scars… not only on your body, but also on your heart. No one expects you to be okay after that. It will take time to heal, but Dean and I will do everything we can so you’ll get better. We’ve got your back. You just need to trust us.”

 

Cas looked up into Sam’s hazel-green eyes and saw nothing but sincerity and warmth. Everything about him spelled “safe” to Cas and he immediately relaxed. “I trust you.”

 

Sam smiled reassuringly. “And you always can. Are you feeling a little better?”

 

“Yes.” He slid to the edge of the bed with a groan. His bruises hurt more in the mornings. “I'm still a little confused though. I'm not sure what happened yesterday night. My memory is a mess somehow.” He took a sip from his coffee and the amount of sugar was perfect.

 

“What do you remember? I can try to fill in the gaps.”

 

Cas rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to concentrate. “I was with Dean in the bathroom and he took care of my cuts and then…” He shook his head before he looked at Sam. He could remember Dean getting upset. He had probably done something wrong. “I upset Dean because of something I did… I think.”

 

Sam nodded his understanding, open and warm gaze locked on Cas. “What did you do?” The way he asked was purely curious, as opposed to angry or accusatory.

 

Cas tried to think about it, but his memories were a mess. His mind couldn’t make sense of them. There were memories of last night mixed in with memories of another night with his Dean as a demon. “I'm not sure what was real and what was just a memory. I think, at one point, I couldn't differentiate between them.” He felt worried now as he looked at Sam again. “Is Dean really okay? Did I say something… stupid? Where is he?”

 

“He’s fine, Cas. He’s asleep in his room. Do you want me to fill in the blanks for you? Well, as best I can?” Sam’s entire presence had an almost calming effect. He didn’t realize just how much he’d missed the younger Winchester.

 

Cas nodded, looking away for a moment. He felt ashamed and hoped he hadn’t done anything stupid. Sam’s presence made it more bearable though. Still, all he could think of was that he wanted to see Dean and apologize for his behavior last night.

 

Sam rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks slightly reddened as he asked, “Do you remember, uh… offering to please Dean? Um… orally?”

 

Cas’s brow furrowed as he tilted his head. “I remember the question coming up in my head and I felt compelled to ask Dean, because that was what my Dean expected of me when we went to the bathroom. But I told Dean that I know that he doesn’t want that. I know he is not him, Sam.”

 

Sam nodded. “Good, yeah. I don’t know what was said after that, but Dean called out for me and I found you on your knees, kind of in a daze. It took you a minute to realize where you were, you were surprised I was alive. Do you remember that?”

 

“You carried me to your room because I was so tired,” Cas murmured before he nodded and took in a deep breath. “I had a flashback, I think. I was overwhelmed by a memory because Dean had said something to me.” Cas felt incredibly sad in that moment when he started to remember. “Dean had wanted to say something really nice to me, but…” A tear fell from his eyes when he suddenly felt angry for the first time. “The demon destroyed its meaning for me. He took it from me.”

 

“Do you remember what he said?”

 

Cas nodded tersely. “He said I was... beautiful.”

 

Sam’s expression was incredibly sad. “Okay, okay. Um… maybe we should talk about certain words or phrases the other Dean used, that way Dean doesn’t accidentally say them. Are you up for that?”

 

Cas folded his hands in his lap and nodded slowly. “I will try. It’s not easy for me to talk about those things.”

 

“I know. I know, but if we talk about it now, you don’t have to explain yourself later when Dean messes up and says something that causes you to… shut down.” Sam offered another reassuring smile. “Just take your time and if it’s too much, we stop, okay?”

 

Cas nodded, thinking about how he should start. “Most of the things the demon said to me… I don’t think there is a danger that Dean will ever say them to me, too.”

 

“Okay, then you don’t have to talk about those things if you don’t want. Are there things he said that Dean  _ might  _ say?”

 

Cas sighed deeply before he continued, trying to detach himself emotionally from the list he tried to compile in his head. “He shouldn’t say that I’m beautiful, that he loves me, that I... belong to him....” He took in a shuddered breath and continued, “Don’t ever change, just wait here for me…” He reached up and wiped a tear away, trying to not think of all of the occasions Dean had ordered him to wait and to stay in a specific place for hours, sometimes days. He wasn’t even allowed to move. “Come here, sunshine.” He needed to stop. Memories were flooding back to him and he squeezed his eyes shut before he tried to look at Sam to calm himself down. Seeing Sam had that effect on him.

 

Sam drew him in for a hug and started rubbing a comforting circle on his back. “That’s good. You did good, Cas.”

 

Cas pressed himself against Sam before he murmured, “The worst thing is that I’m still in love with Dean.  _ My  _ Dean, before he was a demon. And I miss him so much…” Cas pulled away from Sam, wiping away his tears. “Dean is so similar to him and I hate that I can’t even bear his touch. It shouldn’t be this way.”

 

“You’re right. It shouldn’t be. But we’ll work with you. It might take a long time, but hopefully in that time you’ll realize that Dean won’t hurt you, and that you’re part of our family. Okay?”

 

Cas gave Sam a soft smile as he nodded. "You're helping me a lot, Sam. Just looking at you, it kind of grounds me."

 

Sam chuckled. “We can print a picture for you to carry around, if you want.”

 

Cas chuckled and shook his head. “I prefer the real you. Seeing you alive after all these years... It’s… It makes me incredibly happy.”

 

“I can’t imagine, Cas. I’m real sorry you had to endure all of that.” Sam braced his hand over Cas’s and squeezed.

 

“I’m glad Dean found me and brought me here. Seeing you alive already made this worth it.” Cas took in a deep breath before he looked away. “I was prepared to die when he rescued me. You and Dean are the most important people in my life.”

 

Sam pulled him in for another hug. “Jesus, Cas. I'm glad you came with him.”

 

Cas enjoyed the hug a while longer before he pulled back and gave Sam a smile. "I noticed that when you're with me, when I talk to Dean, I'm much more in the 'here and now' than when I'm alone with him."

 

Sam nodded in understanding. “Okay, then we’ll just have to avoid you two being alone for now. Do you want to stay here with me, too? I’m cool if you want to.”

 

Cas was surprised by the offer and, for a moment, he didn't know what to say. "Are y–you sure? I don't want to bother you. I  _ do  _ feel safe with you."

 

“Of course. Just until you feel like you want privacy.” Sam smiled and he added, “Oh, and I’ve got a witch looking into your tattoo hex thing. Dean told me.”

 

Cas flinched. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Sam. Dean said if I try to lift it, it will kill me."

 

Sam smiled reassuringly. “She’s the witch who removed the Mark from Dean. If you agree, I could take a photo of the sigil and send it to her.”

 

Cas nodded slowly. “So she is a nice witch?”

 

“I wouldn’t say  _ that.  _ It’s Rowena. Crowley’s mom.”

 

Cas raised his eyebrow in surprise. "Crowley has a mother?"

 

Sam nodded. “I was surprised, too. And it really explains how he turned out the way he did.”

 

That didn’t sound very reassuring. Cas gave Sam a skeptical look before he frowned. “You won’t let her just lift it off me if there are any doubts she can do it, right? I’m not sure I should trust her with my life.”

 

Sam nodded. “I promise. And if you really don’t want to risk it, we won’t.”

 

Cas chewed on his lower lip thoughtfully for a moment before he unbuttoned his shirt. "The injuries I have... I don't know, but if no new ones are added to them, wouldn't they heal over time?" He pulled off his shirt to show them to Sam.

 

“Were some of these injuries made with angelic weapons?” Sam asked, his expression dismayed at the marks covering his skin.

 

Cas nodded and showed him a few cuts on his chest and the word Dean had cut over his hip bone. "A few of them are from regular weapons, and other things, like a fork and... teeth."

 

Sam’s face grew drastically pale. “Fuck.” It wasn’t often the younger Winchester swore.

 

“Why do you ask?” Cas asked carefully.

 

“I just… Maybe the wounds that won’t heal were…” Sam furrowed his brow and shook his head. “Does it hurt?”

 

"Yes it does, but I can manage. What did you want to say, Sam?" Cas asked carefully.

 

“Maybe the wounds that aren’t healing were the ones by angelic weapons? So the combination of the spell… you know?”

 

"So, you're saying the spell doesn't only prevent me from using my grace to heal normal wounds, but it also prevents wounds from angelic weapons to heal naturally?"

 

Sam nodded. “Exactly.”

 

Cas sighed in defeat. "So either this witch gets this spell off of me, or I will never heal again... Well, it's more hope than I’ve had in years."

 

Sam smiled and got up from the bed. “I’m gonna go for a run, you’re welcome to do whatever you want.”

 

“Can I – Can I come with you?” Cas asked carefully.

 

The smile on Sam’s face was almost childlike it was so delighted. “You wanna go for a run with me?”

 

Cas couldn't help but smile back as he tried to pull his shirt back on. It still hurt. "Yes, I would like that very much." 

 

Sam pulled open a drawer and tossed him a t-shirt and pair of shorts. “That’s one of Dean’s shirts, it got mixed in with my laundry and I never bothered to give it back. But I’m pretty sure it’ll fit you better than one of mine.”

 

For a moment Cas imagined himself drowning in one of Sam's shirts and chuckled at the image. "Probably an accurate assessment." His fingers carded softly over the fabric of the worn out, grey t-shirt with a music band logo printed on it. He remembered this shirt from the past. 

 

He carefully peeled out of the shirt and shrugged the t-shirt over his head, which hugged his body comfortably. A lingering smell of Dean, mixed with laundry soap, filled his nose, but he wasn’t put off by it. It reminded him of Dean before he turned into a demon. Demons didn’t smell like anything. 

 

Removing his pants was more difficult than he had anticipated, because it hurt a lot more than his shirt. A few open cuts on his legs were still stuck to the fabric. After a few minutes, he gave up and turned to Sam. “Can I keep my pants on?”

 

Sam furrowed his brow. “What’s wrong?”

 

"Um, it hurts too much to undress," he murmured, without looking at Sam.

 

“Would you be okay if I clean and dress your wounds? That way we can get you in something more comfortable.”

 

After a long minute, Cas nodded. “Do we have to go to the bathroom again?”

 

Sam shook his head. “No, not at all. I’m gonna go grab the first aid kit. See if you can try to take your pants off, but if it hurts too much, wait for me.”

 

"Thank you, Sam." Going back into the bathroom wasn't very high on Cas's wishlist, primarily because he didn't want a repeat of what happened the night before. 

 

When Sam left, he carefully tried to pull off his pants, but it hurt like hell. He tried to breathe through it, but at some point he just pulled hard on the leg, hissing through the pain. One of the deep cuts that had begun to scab over started bleeding again, but at least now he could discard the pants.

 

He looked down at himself, the way his legs looked... he knew his ass probably looked worse. Dean had loved to bite him there. At least he still had his boxer shorts on so Sam wouldn’t see those marks.

 

“I grabbed the big one just in – ” Sam stopped mid sentence as he stared at Cas’s legs. “Fuck. Let me make sure this has a sewing kit.”

 

Cas felt bad that he had started bleeding all over the place. "Sorry, I pulled too hard and it started bleeding again."

 

Sam grabbed a chair and pulled it out. “Sit, I’m gonna start with that one.”

 

Cas carefully sat down, trying to shift his weight to his right side so it would hurt less when he sat. 

 

The younger Winchester immediately dropped to his knees and held a clean rag to the wound as he pulled out the sewing kit and antiseptic. “Shit, Cas,” he murmured as he lifted up the rag and shook his head. “What the fuck did he do this for?”

 

Cas remembered the reason for every cut very well, because every time the demon had cut into him, he had forced Cas to recite his mistake out loud. "I don't think you want to know, Sam."

 

“I  _ don’t  _ want to know, but… fuck, dude. I think we  _ should  _ know.” He proceeded to start cleaning the wound, very carefully. 

 

Cas tried to focus on anything other than the pain. He kept his eyes on Sam at all times, as a reminder that he was safe. "The cuts are for mistakes I've made. He did them slowly, making me repeat what I did wrong out loud so I wouldn't mess up a second time." He looked down at the cut on his calf. “This one was for… for… He told me to swallow and I couldn’t manage all of it.”

 

Sam let out a shaky exhale as he grabbed the thread and carefully pulled his skin taut. “Cas. Jesus.”

 

Cas took in a deep breath before he murmured, "That reminds me, I would prefer it if when we go somewhere in Dean's car, if I wouldn't have to sit in the backseat."

 

“I wondered about that. Are there other places that he… ‘punished’ you?”

 

"Bathroom, because it was easier to clean. The kitchen sometimes. A lot of times in his bedroom or my old room." He hesitated for a moment before he added shakily, “The dungeon.”

 

Sam kept his gaze down, but Cas saw the tears that escaped. “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas reached down and gently rubbed a tear away from Sam's face. "I didn't want to upset you."

 

“You didn’t. I’m just… I’m pissed, okay? I’m pissed on your behalf. You should have never had to experience that shit.” 

 

"I should have never let myself get tricked by the demon, causing your death," Cas breathed out, unable to stop his own tear from falling.

 

Sam shook his head, grasping Cas’s hand on his lap. “That’s the thing about being tricked. You don’t know it’s a trick. I mean, if you knew he was tricking you before it happened, would you have still let it happen?”

 

“Of course not. But I was so selfish in that moment… I wished his words had been true. And he knew that. He played with my emotions. I should have known better.” Cas shook his head. “I’ve dealt with demons for nearly my whole existence and… it shouldn’t have happened to me. I was so stupid.”

 

“How did he trick you, exactly?” Sam asked as he finished stitching the wound and started applying a bandage over it.

 

Cas looked down for a moment, feeling ashamed. "He confronted me about my feelings for Dean, then he implied he felt the same and he kissed me. Dean kissed me for the first time and I was..." He shook his head. "I was distracted, I let go of him and he punched me. I was too late in my pursuit, by the time I caught up to him, he had already... killed you."

 

Sam’s eyes were impossibly sad as he looked up at Cas. “Dude. It was  _ not  _ your fault. It was so not your fault.”

 

"I can't help but think that it was, Sam. If I hadn't listened to him, none of it would have happened." He cupped Sam's cheek to rub away another tear. He hated to see Sam being sad.

 

“How about this? What if, instead of telling you it’s not your fault, what if I tell you: I forgive you?”

 

Cas felt a sting in his heart and he stopped breathing for a moment before he started to cry again. He angrily wiped away the tears and nodded through them before shaking his head. His feelings were so overwhelming that he didn't know what to do. "I'm so sorry, Sam. I..."

 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” he murmured as he leaned up to hug Cas. “It’s fine.”

 

Cas pressed Sam tight to his body. In that moment, he never wanted to let go of Sam. "I missed you so much," Cas murmured into his friend's shoulder.

 

“I’m here now,” he returned as he rubbed Cas’s back.

 

Cas leaned back and looked at Sam, briefly losing himself in the moment as he nodded and gave the hunter a soft, sad smile. "Yes, you are."

 

Sam smiled and patted his shoulder. “Let me finish this up and then I’ll go steal a pair of Dean’s sneakers for you.”

 

“Okay.” Cas chuckled and sat back. “He won’t mind, will he?”

 

“No. He prefers wearing boots. I’m actually not sure why he owns sneakers.” Sam looked perplexed for a moment before he shrugged and went back to dressing Cas’s wounds.

 

“Maybe he wanted to run with you at some point.” Cas furrowed his brow and looked at Sam. “No, that can’t be true.”

 

Sam chuckled. “Exactly. I’d sooner believe he hustled them from someone during pool.”

 

Cas wiped away the last tear, Sam's amusement was very contagious. "That sounds much more believable."

 

“Yeah. No way Dean Winchester electively chose to exercise.”

 

“And jogging to the fridge doesn't count as a physical exercise, no matter how often he claims it to be,” Cas added with a smile.

 

Sam chuckled. “At least he quit smoking.”

 

Cas stared at Sam in surprise. Dean had never smoked in his dimension that he knew of. Maybe this was the first difference. “When did he do that?”

 

“Before we knew you. After the cost of cigarettes increased, his cheapness beat out his desire to smoke.” Sam took off the shirt he was wearing and started looking for a different one, likely one for running.

 

Cas's eyes wandered over Sam's toned body with a frown. "Did you always take very good care of your body and health?"

 

Sam chuckled and shrugged. “For the most part? You know I’m pescatarian, right?”

 

Cas didn’t know that, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. “It's interesting how different Dean and you are in that respect." 

 

“Right? I remember when I told him I didn’t want to eat red meat anymore. It was like I’d just kicked his puppy.”

 

"I know that look. He gave me a similar look when I told him that I didn't get his obsession with cowboys," Cas replied dryly. Thinking of those times always left him feeling sad, reminding him of what he had lost. But now, with this new beginning, for the first time he thought that  – maybe  –  he could make new memories with Dean. New memories that would bring him happiness again.

 

Sam groaned. “Don’t even get me started. How many times did he make you watch Tombstone? Or pretty much anything with John Wayne? I’m ninety percent sure his bowleggedness isn’t an actual issue with his gait. I think he forced himself to do it as a kid so much, it’s just how he walks now.”

 

"I think it's rather endearing," Cas replied without thinking. He gave Sam an embarrassed look before he rubbed the back of his neck and changed the subject. "Are you ready?"

 

Sam nodded. “Yeah. I’ll go steal Dean’s sneakers if you want to grab us a couple bottles of water.”

 

“Of course,” Cas replied with a smile and made his way to the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Dean hovering over the coffee machine, looking like a grumpy bear that someone had dared to wake from hibernation. “Good morning, Dean,” he greeted timidly.

 

Whatever his response was came out in an unintelligible grumble as he grabbed himself a mug.

 

Cas didn't feel like entering the kitchen, maybe he should just go back and wait until Dean was gone? But he had promised Sam to get the water. Cas chewed on his lower lip in contemplation. He needed to get past Dean to get to the fridge.

 

Why was he not moving? He knew this wasn't the demon. It was just Dean... even though he looked frightening in the morning, that didn't mean he  _ was.  _ And even though his mind kept telling him that everything was was fine, his feet didn't seem to want to move.

 

“Want some?” he managed to ask in English this time, giving Cas a dopey, lopsided smile.

 

He shook his head. "No, thank you. Sam already gave me one this morning. I'm just here to, um, grab some water." He finally forced himself into the kitchen and tried to return Dean's smile. He felt guilty for being afraid of him. Dean had been nice from the beginning and he knew he wouldn't hurt him. It just wasn't fair that he could barely be in the same room with him, because it wasn't Dean's fault.

 

Dean leaned against the counter and blew into his black coffee before he chuckled and asked, “Is that one of my shirts?” 

 

Cas looked down at himself before he nodded. "I hope that's okay. Sam gave it to me. We're going out running."

 

He nodded in approval. “Course, Cas. It looks good on you. You should keep it. In fact, feel free to go through my stuff and take whatever you want. Just leave me a few shirts.” He chuckled as he sipped his coffee.

 

Cas licked over his lip before he smiled at Dean, feeling less tense now. "Thank you, Dean. That's very kind. I really like this shirt. It's... cozy." He walked up to the fridge to grab two bottles of water, hoping that would suffice. When he turned around, he gave Dean a shy look. “I'm sorry for yesterday. I didn't want to upset you."

 

“Hey, man. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I’m sorry that whatever I did caused  _ that.”  _ Dean nodded his affirmation and drank more of his coffee, appearing more and more awake.

 

Cas shook his head as he stepped closer. "You couldn't have known. None of this is your fault. I'm just very sorry, that I…” There was a pause before he finished, “I wish I could just enjoy being with you again, instead of  _ this...  _ I know it can't be easy on you either."

 

Dean shrugged. “I’m not gonna lie. It sucks. But… I can deal. You’re worth it.”

 

Cas's fingers reached out to touch Dean before he retracted his hand again and shook his head. "Thank you, Dean... For not giving up on me."

 

“And I promise I’ll try to not take it personal.” Dean offered him a half smile. 

 

Cas returned the smile, despite feeling sad. "Please don't. You and him, you only share his physical features, but that's it. You remind me more of my Dean before everything… and I hope the rest of my heart will soon see it, too."

 

“Me, too.” Dean furrowed his brow and he gave him a curious smile. “You said you’re going jogging with Sam?”

 

“Yes,” Cas replied with a smile. “Sam is grabbing me shoes.”

 

“Damnit,” Dean murmured with a chuckle. “Now I’m outnumbered.”

 

Cas smiled softly at Dean. "I think running outside will help me to deal with this situation. Remind me that I'm really free."

 

“Hey, man. As long as you guys don’t try to force me to do it, you won’t hear me complain.”

 

“Don’t worry, Dean.” Cas smiled before he looked up and noticed Sam standing in the doorway. The younger Winchester gave him a surprised look.

 

“You’re awake early.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah. Damn bladder woke me up. Which I guess is better than pissing the bed…”

 

“Ew. Gross, Dean,” Sam said with a grimace as he handed Cas Dean’s shoes. “They should fit. Dean and you are almost the same size.”

 

Cas thanked him and knelt down to put on the shoes.

 

“You know how to tie shoelaces, or are you as hopeless with them as you are with ties?” Dean asked in a lighthearted tone and a half smirk.

 

Cas looked up at Dean with a furrowed brow. “I can tie my shoes… I think.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Over, under, around, and through. Meet Mr. Rabbit, pull and through.” 

 

Cas successfully tied his shoes before he tilted his head at Dean. "Who is Mr. Rabbit?"

 

“When your laces are two loops? They look like Rabbit ears. It’s how I taught Sammy to tie his shoes.” Dean chuckled as he poured himself another cup of coffee.

 

Cas looked down at the shoes and nodded. "I see. That's very... cute."

 

Sam chuckled and patted his shoulder. “Come on, we should go before it gets too warm outside.”

 

Dean smiled at Cas as he took another sip of his coffee.

 

Cas returned the smile shyly and waved at him. “See you later, Dean.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean had spent the last two hours cleaning out one of the storage rooms. He was pretty sure the Men of Letters weren’t preservationists, they were friggin’ hoarders. The room he found was literally filled with receipts for reimbursements. He figured he could use them for the fireplace or furnace.

 

Cas and Sam were outside doing their garden thing. It had been a rough couple of days at first. But they had gotten into a routine that seemed to be working. Cas and Sam would get up early and go for a run, sometimes they’d run into Dean saying his morning prayer to the god of caffeine. Sometimes Dean will have spent half the night reading, or looking for a case, something he could do solo, so he wouldn’t constantly be around them. 

 

Constantly having to pretend he didn’t see the way Cas would flinch when he saw Dean in the kitchen. No matter how quickly he would snap out of his angry morning fog, just to make Cas feel less freaked out. 

 

Constantly having to open with a joke, or a kind comment, to make him realize that Dean wasn’t a demon. Not that he wanted to be mean to Cas first thing in the morning, but it was exhausting, having to constantly be on and aware. Because you can’t just let yourself have a moment, because it could undo all of the progress.

 

If there even  _ was  _ progress. Dean didn’t know. Because it wasn’t Dean helping a version of his best friend get through this trauma. Instead, it was Sammy. His little brother. Sam was the one helping Cas through this. It was Sam Cas searched for when Cas entered a room. It was Sam he called, or texted, or sought after having a moment. It was Sam who held him through his nightmares and hushed his pain.

 

And it was supposed to be Dean. What a fucked up thing to be jealous of. Dean shook his head at himself and turned up the volume on his walkman so he couldn’t hear anything above the beautiful pitch of Geddy Lee’s soprano.

 

A shadow fell over his face when his moose of a brother rounded him and looked at him with a bitch face, waving at his ears.

 

Dean pulled his headphones down and gave his brother an expectant look. “Yeah?”

 

“I’ve been calling for you forever. I found a case and I wanted to talk to you about it. Maybe it’s time we take Cas out on a hunting trip.”

 

Dean shook his head. “You know me tagging along is a bad idea. Everytime he sees me he always jumps. It’s not a good idea if one of the hunters is constantly on the lookout for me, might distract from being on the lookout for a monster.”

 

"But that's probably because of being in the bunker. I think he needs to see you in a different context. We can still split up if it gets to be too much," Sam argued before he sighed. "Also, I still haven't heard anything from Rowena."

 

“If it’s nothing too big, why don’t you and him go? I’ll find my own case.”

 

"Are you afraid to be around him, Dean?" Sam asked thoughtfully. “That you might accidentally say something that would hurt him?”

 

Dean sighed and moved to stand, wiping the dust off on his jeans. “Sammy, I’m tryin’ here. I’m tryin’ damn hard. It’s an adjustment, alright? You probably don’t get it, ‘cause you don’t get the wince, or the flinch, or the look of terror any time you enter a room he’s in.”

 

"I know it's hard, Dean. But he can't get better if he doesn't re-train his mind. He needs to see  _ you.  _ Avoiding each other won't help him." Sam walked up to Dean with a pleading expression. "Look, I'm right there with you and I told you everything that might trigger him. I know we can do this. Together."

 

He looked at Sam, knowing full well that his brother wasn’t going to give up. After a beat, Dean nodded. “What’s the case?”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean finally got the lighter to ignite and tossed it into the grave of a Mr. Andrew Hart. The guy who’s ghost had been terrorizing an elementary school, having psychologically damaged a couple of kids. He brushed his hands over the flames and sighed. “Night, night, Mr. Krueger.”

 

“I thought his name was Andrew Hart?” Cas asked, sounding puzzled

 

He couldn’t help but chuckle. Clapping a hand on Cas’s shoulder, Dean smiled. “You did good today, man. Really saved our asses.”

 

He almost immediately wanted to apologize when he realized that he had touched Cas again, but then he gave Cas a stunned look. Cas hadn't flinched! Instead, he just stood there and gave Dean a surprised but gentle smile. "Thank you, Dean."

 

When he looked over to his brother, the nerd gave him a happy thumbs up.

 

Dean resisted the urge to pull Cas into a hug. One step at a time. He released his hold on the angel and looked up at the sky. “Nice night. Anybody bring the marshmallows?”

 

The smile on Sam's face turned into an unamused bitch face. "Seriously, Dean? We should finish up here. I need a shower from all the digging."

 

He rolled his eyes at his brother and leaned near Cas to whisper, “Next salt and burn, we  _ aren’t  _ sharin’ our s’mores with him.”

 

“I don’t think I ever ate those,” Cas mused, scratching his chin.

 

“They’re almost entirely sugar. You’ll love ‘em.” Dean winked at him.

 

“Can we have them soon?” Cas asked with a bright smile.

 

Dean nodded and drew an invisible X over his chest. “Promise. Next hunt, I’ll make sure to bring marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate.”

 

"I'm looking forward to it." Cas smiled before he picked up the shovel. 

 

He grabbed another one and started helping Cas shovel dirt back into the grave. “I like when it’s clean.”

 

He could feel Cas tense next to him, shuffling his feet as his eyes darted towards Sammy. Sam went over to him, obviously already so attuned to Cas's needs that he had picked up on his discomfort from across the grave. He draped his arm around Cas and pulled him close. "What do you say about helping me get the stuff back in the car?"

 

“But we aren’t finished, yet.” Cas pointed at the half closed grave.

 

"Don't worry. Here, I’ll take your shovel and help fill the rest of the grave, and you carry the bags to the car, alright?" Sam suggested as he took the shovel from Cas.

 

Cas nodded slowly before he took the bag and left them without another word.

 

Dean held in the urge to kick at the dirt in frustration. “I meant I like when it’s a clean case, Sammy.”

 

"I know, Dean. And he knows that, too." Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder and squeezed. "But other than that it went pretty well, didn't it? I mean, did you notice how he didn't flinch when you touched him? That was amazing." Sam sounded really excited and hopeful.

 

“Which I had to go and ruin by opening my fat mouth.” Dean shook his head and started loading up the shovel with bigger piles.

 

“You didn’t ruin anything, Dean. He’s doing better. And you’re helping with that, every time you get him to laugh,” Sam said as he continued to help shovel dirt into the grave. “I can only calm him down, but you’re the one that makes the progress happen. Believe me.”

 

Dean shook his head. “Wish it felt like that.”

 

“It’s only been a week. He was abused for over two years. He can’t shake that off overnight, Dean.”

 

“I know, I just… I wish…” Dean cleared his throat and forced a smile as he proceeded to focus on the shoveling. “Doesn’t matter.”

 

“Talk to me,” Sam urged quietly.

 

Dean looked over to make sure Cas was out of earshot. He fixed his brother with a hesitant shrug and sighed. “I’m his best friend. I  _ was…  _ We were the ones with the profound bond. I know it’s petty as hell, but everyone always liked you better, Sam.  _ Everyone.  _ Cas was the only one who liked me more.” He scoffed and shook his head. “And I know how terrible it sounds, and I promise I’ll snap out of it. But you wanted to know.”

 

Sam was quiet for a moment before he asked, “You’re jealous because Cas comes to me for help?”

 

“Told you,” he said with a sigh as he started shoveling again, “it’s petty and dumb, and I’ll eventually snap out of it.”

 

After a long beat of silence, Sam carefully asked, “Dean... do you feel more for him than just friendship?"

 

“We’ve only known him a week, Sam.” Dean swallowed dryly, pushing away any and all thoughts of Cas away. Because, if it was  _ his  _ Cas, then Dean wouldn’t have been able to answer the question at all. This Cas, well, while Dean liked him, every time Cas flinched when Dean walked by was a painful reminder that this wasn’t his Cas.

 

"Yeah, I know. But in a lot of ways it's him, you know? When we talk about the past, everything I remember about our Cas, he remembers, too."

 

“I wouldn’t know,” Dean grumbled as he tried to focus on the task at hand.

 

“How about you help him in the garden the next time? Try to spend more time with him?” Sam suggested.

 

“I don’t think he’s up for that yet.” Dean sighed and cast a look in Cas’s direction. He was arranging their trunk, at least as far as he could tell. Such a nerd.

 

“Give it a try. I can be nearby if you feel you need me there,” Sam pressed out as he heaved the last chunk of dirt into the grave.

 

Dean sighed and nodded. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to try.”

 

“He talks about you a lot, Dean. I think he’s really frustrated about this situation because he wants to spend time with you. I hope you know that.”

 

“That doesn’t make me feel better, Sammy.” 

 

"Him keeping me up at night for a few hours because he can't stop asking questions about you, doesn't make you feel even a little bit better?" Sam asked with a half smile.

 

Dean chuckled. “What kinda questions?”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. "I think I’ve heard everything from: 'what is he up to?' to a very awkward question about a possible girlfriend, to stuff like what your favorite movie is at the moment and if you still love cowboys."

 

He couldn’t help but smile at that. “Well, I hope I get a chance to give him the real answers, and not the made up shit I’m sure you told him.”

 

Sam gave him a playfully surprised look. “How do you know I made shit up?”

 

“Well, I know you better than anyone. You probably told him: ‘Probably trying to figure out how much alcohol he can store in his man cave.’ ‘Depends on which bar he went to that week.’ ‘Right now, it’s the Expendables.’ And a resounding ‘yes.’ And that answer is the only one you were completely right about.”

 

Sam rubbed his chin and shrugged. "I was close. I told him you're trying to find out how to turn smurfs into gold, you’re working on crafting yourself a girlfriend, your favorite movie is The Hangover, and you actually only love Native Americans now, instead of cowboys."

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “Huh. Maybe you know me better than I thought.”

 

Sam shrugged with a smirk. “Just to warn you, he took the thing about the smurfs very seriously and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that they don’t exist. So...”

 

“Great, so I have to pretend that they’re real. ‘Cause I can’t be the douche that tells him Santa ain’t real.”

 

“I told him they’re disgusting creatures and people make blue slushies out of them,” Sam explained with a serious expression on his face.

 

Suddenly Cas appeared behind him with a quirked brow. "Are you talking about smurfs again, Sam?"

 

Dean chuckled and chewed the inside of his cheek as he tried to keep a straight face.

 

"I know they are not real, Dean. Sam is just, um, what's it called again? Um, 'messing' with you."

 

“So, we can pick up a couple of smurf slushies on the way home?”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at Dean. “What is in those slushies if smurfs don’t exist?”

 

Dean smirked. “Well, they don’t technically exist anymore if they’ve been ground up and put in a slushie.”

 

Cas’s expression was a mixture of disgust and disbelief before he looked to Sam for confirmation. “Sam?”

 

The younger Winchester shrugged with a playfully sad look. “It’s true, Cas.”

 

Cas didn’t reply to that. He just looked thoughtful and a little bit disturbed before he turned around and walked back to the car.

 

“We shouldn’t let him watch the show, Dean.” Sam grinned before he patted Dean’s shoulder and took his shovel. “Let’s go.”

 

Dean nodded and looked to Cas. “You wanna drive, Cas?”

 

Cas looked at him as if he was possessed. “What?”

 

“You did good, and I know you used to like driving, figured you’d want to drive us home?”

 

“You never let me drive your car,” Cas repeated, still looking stunned. Sam had a mirrored expression on his face.

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “I just…” He sighed and shrugged. “I just figured that maybe shaking things up a bit will make Cas feel less edgy about sitting next to me for eight hours.”

 

Cas suddenly did something both of them did not expect. He walked up to Dean and drew him in for a tight hug, whispering a barely audible, "Thank you."

 

For a moment, Dean was stunned to silence. He simply wrapped his arms around Cas and tried to soak in every part of this moment. “No need for thanks.”

 

Cas pulled him a bit tighter before he let him go, giving him a shy look that turned into a surprised and happy one. "I would love to drive you."

 

He could see the glee in Sam’s expression in the corner of his eye.

 

Dean held out the keys. He looked at Sam and said, “You want shotgun this time?”

 

“Sure.” Sam laughed and nodded at Dean with a bright smile. He looked incredibly hopeful.

 

Well, if he was going to be completely different than normal, he might as well go all or nothing. Dean opened the back passenger side door and slid into a part of the car he’d only ever been in as a kid, or… well,  _ other  _ reasons. Dean was half tempted to just lay down and sleep the entire trip.

 

“Does that mean I’m allowed to pick the music?” Cas asked carefully as he sat down in the driver’s seat.

 

Dean almost instantly regretted letting Cas drive. He chuckled and sighed at the same time. “Fine. I guess you’re just abiding by the one rule.”

 

Cas rifled through Dean's tapes before he picked one Dean couldn't see. When he started the car and the music began to play, Dean realized it was the mixtape he’d made for his Cas.

 

“Uh, please not that one, Cas,” Dean said as he leaned over the seat and ejected the tape. He pulled it out of the deck and sat down in his seat again, pocketing it.

 

Cas gave him a worried look in the rearview mirror. "I'm sorry. It just reminded me that I had asked my Dean about his favorite songs and... do you want to pick something?"

 

“It’s just… It was for him,” he said and looked down. He didn’t know how to explain it to Cas or Sammy. That the tape had come to mean something to him. “But yeah, any of the other tapes are cool.”

 

Cas nodded, but Dean could see that he looked a little devastated. "Is Kansas okay?"

 

“Kansas is always okay,” he answered, trying to not feel like a dick. He was failing miserably.

 

Cas nodded and put the new tape in before he started to drive in silence. He noticed Sam was looking back at him with a worried look, but he tried to ignore it. Yeah, Dean was definitely going to try and sleep the rest of the way.


	5. Blackbird singing in the dead of night

**Chapter 5**

 

They had decided to stay in a motel instead of driving through the night because they all were tired. Sam had gotten them two rooms for Cas’s sake, although Cas felt guilty about the extra expense. They both had told him it was fine, but he still didn't feel good about it.

 

He changed into the t-shirt he got from Dean and pulled off his pants before he slid under the blanket, waiting for Sam to come back out of the shower. 

 

It had been an evening of revelations. He had hugged Dean, not to mention the fact the man had touched his shoulder earlier and nothing had happened. He hadn’t been afraid. He felt happy with the progress he was making and he knew Sam and Dean had helped him a lot the past few days. He felt very grateful, especially towards Sam. He felt like they had grown much closer since he arrived.

 

When Sam came out of the shower in a long t-shirt and sweats, he immediately let himself fall on his bed. “Man, I’m tired.” He crossed his arms under his chin and looked up at Cas. “How are you doing?”

 

Cas nodded before he shrugged. “Good. Surprised.”

 

“By?” he asked as he braced his arm under a pillow and rested his head on it.

 

“It went rather well today. I feel good. A lot better,” Cas replied thoughtfully.

 

Sam smiled. “And you hugged Dean. That’s a step in the right direction.”

 

Cas returned the smile. "I have you to thank for that. You supported and helped me a lot. I cannot thank you enough."

 

“We’re family, Cas,” Sam said with such finality, it was as though he couldn’t even fathom not being there for Cas.

 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck before he looked up at Sam. "Even though you’ve just known me a week?"

 

Sam smiled. “Why? Because you’re technically a different version of the Cas we knew? As far as I can tell, apart from the bullshit you endured where our timelines diverged, everything we loved about our Cas is part of you.”

 

“Do you think Dean sees it that way too, or am I just a painful reminder to him of what he lost?” Cas asked, feeling sad when he remembered the incident with the cassette tape.

 

“He’s with me on that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Dean is frustrated, too. I’m not gonna lie. But he’s not frustrated with you. You get that, right?”

 

He hadn’t been sure, so it was nice to hear Sam say it out loud. “I want to spend more time with him. I think I’m ready.”

 

Sam grinned. “He’ll be psyched to know that. He even wanted to try helping you out in the garden, so it would be on your territory, you know?”

 

Cas couldn’t help but smile brightly at that. “I’m looking forward to it. I know he’ll probably hate helping with the garden, so the fact that he actually wants to help me… it means a lot to me.”

 

“He cares about you, Cas. And not because you’re a version of his Cas. He cares about  _ you.” _

 

Cas frowned and looked at the blanket, fiddling with the seam. “Why? I’m just a broken version of his friend.”

 

Sam fixed him with a pointed look. “If that were the truth, do you think either me or Dean would be trying to help you?”

 

Cas looked up at him with a soft smile. “You both have a weakness for helping people.”

 

“Okay, fine. So,  _ that’s  _ true. But I told you, Cas. Just because you aren’t our Cas, doesn’t mean you can’t  _ become  _ our Cas. Does that make sense? We lost him, and both of us will be damned if we lose you, too.”

 

Cas pulled the blanket higher over himself with a soft smile. "I'm really lucky that Dean found me. I don't want to lose you again either."

 

Sam nodded and leaned toward the lamp switch. “Lights on or off?”

 

“Off is okay. I feel brave today.” Cas chuckled before he looked over at Sam. “Even though you’re sleeping in another bed.”

 

Sam chuckled. “Well, you’re welcome to sleep in mine if it gets to be too much.” 

 

Cas shook his head. "I'm hoping I can give you back your privacy very soon, Sam."

 

“Well, I don’t mind either way. If I wake up to find you in my bed, just know it’s totally okay.” Sam nodded and clicked the lights off. “Night, Cas.”

 

“Good night, Sam. Sleep well.” Cas smiled before he turned over in his bed and closed his eyes.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

He felt disoriented when something woke him up. It was dark and he could only make out shapes in the room. Cas crawled out of bed without thinking. Had he been sleeping without permission? He hoped Dean didn’t notice. He just needed to be quick. 

 

His feet carried him without thinking through a door that led to another room. He could see the shape of Dean’s body on the bed. He wasn’t awake, he was lucky his mistake hadn’t been noticed. Although he was hazy about when he had fallen asleep. 

 

He knelt in front of Dean’s bed, feeling very tired. His eyes kept falling closed as he nodded off, but he tried to stay awake. He needed to be awake for him. 

 

What if Dean had seen him sleeping? Cas shook his head. No, he would have woken him up then. But, just in case, he needed to be ready for Dean. He loved to use Cas first thing in the morning. At least, that’s what he always told him. 

 

Cas peeled off his shirt and his boxer shorts. It was cold in the room and the carpet burned where it made contact with his skin as he tried to kneel in a more comfortable position. 

 

He closed his eyes again, hoping Dean would be in a good mood today. It was the last thing he thought before he fell asleep again.

 

The next thing he knew, he was being lifted and gently placed on a bed. A blanket was being draped over his body and he blinked his eyes open to see Dean looking down at him, brow furrowed in concern and a deep sadness in usually vibrant (or angry) green eyes. “Cas?”

 

"Dean?" Cas startled, not so much because of Dean, but because of the situation he was in. "What happened? Why am I here?" he breathed out in confusion. Last thing he remembered was getting into bed in Sam’s room.

 

Dean sighed as he sat on the bed. “I woke up because… You know how you can feel you aren’t alone anymore? Anyway. I found you, kneeling next to my bed… naked.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, realizing Dean was right. He knew why he did it, but he couldn't remember anything. "I'm so sorry, Dean. Um, sorry, for waking you up." He couldn't look at Dean, feeling ashamed for his regression.

 

“What the hell did that fuck make you do, Cas?” He didn’t sound angry, he sounded choked up, as though he were about to cry. Cas hadn’t heard Dean sound that broken since the day he found out he was the Righteous Man.

 

All of Cas's instincts drew him closer to Dean. He couldn't stand seeing him so sad, so he pulled him into a tight hug. He didn't feel afraid in that moment. The only important thing to him was Dean's happiness. "It doesn't matter anymore, Dean. I'm here now, with you." He squeezed his eyes shut, reminding himself out loud, "It's not going to happen again."

 

He didn’t anticipate Dean actually breaking down, tears streaming down his face as he pressed his now damp face into the crook of Cas’s neck. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

Cas felt his heart breaking for Dean as he pulled him tighter. He hated that he was the reason for Dean being sad. "I’ll try to get better, Dean." His voice grew quieter when he added, "I'm so sorry for upsetting you."

 

Dean drew back and cupped Cas’s face. “Please, please hear me when I say I’m not upset at you, with you, any of that shit. I’m upset  _ for  _ you. I’m…” His lip trembled and he looked away. “I’m sorry there’s any version of me that can cause you this amount of pain.”

 

Cas leaned into Dean's hand for a moment, for the first time feeling safe again. Encouraged by that feeling, he smiled softly at Dean. "There was also another version of you that killed the demon and went on a dangerous quest to save his Cas." He hoped reminding Dean of this fact would make him happier. He carefully reached up to his face and rubbed the tears away with his thumb.

 

“The thought of hurting you, Cas. It makes me sick. I hope you know that.” Dean’s tears weren’t stopping, but he was able to speak a little more clearly.

 

Cas nodded slowly, trying to come up with a way to explain to Dean how he felt. "Dean, I know there are times when I'm afraid of you, when I tense at your touch, or when things like what just happened, continue to happen to me. But it is only because I remember in those moments how my life had been over the last two years. It's not because of you. It's because of the demon I'm afraid." Cas covered Dean's hand with his own on his cheek. "This now. You're holding me like this and I feel safe with you. Because right in this moment, I know where I am and I know who you are. I don't remember him, because with him I was never safe. With you, I am."

 

Dean nodded, his gaze dropping down as his shoulders sagged in relief and what appeared to be overwhelming emotion. “I wish I’d told him how amazing he was. How much better my life had been with him in it.”

 

Cas looked down for a moment, nodding before he whispered, "I wish I could have told my Dean.... what he meant to me before everything went wrong. I don't know if he knew, I always hoped he did."

 

“Wished for it to be true, but… How the fuck could an angel of the lord, someone so awesome and powerful… ever see anything in me?” Dean shook his head as a few more tears slipped out. He cupped Cas’s face again and said, “I don’t know what I did to earn his love, but it’s the greatest accomplishment of my fucking life. And the same can be said about your Dean, I promise you that.”

 

"If your Cas was anything like me, he would have wished he could make you see yourself the way he saw you. He wished he could have made you understand that." Cas reached up to Dean's face again to wipe away the tears. "You deserved to be saved and good things do happen."

 

Dean held his hand in place and pressed a kiss to his palm. “I know, Cas. You’re one of them.”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy the tingling feeling Dean's soft lips left on his palm before he could even process what Dean had said to him. He had no idea what he should feel. He wasn't even sure if he had understood it right. "Me? You mean me, not him?" he asked quietly.

 

“Yeah, Cas.  _ You.  _ I lost my best friend. I lost one of the best things that ever happened to me. And now you’re here, and you’ve given me hope that I can have that again. I don’t even know how to thank you.”

 

It was in that moment when it finally sank in that Dean and him were in the same boat. They both wished to have the other one back in their lives and start over. Start over by picking up where they had left off, before they lost each other. He stared at Dean for a moment before he nodded. "I want that, Dean. I want to start over and... I want to spend more time with you."

 

Dean’s smile was breathtaking. “Really?” he asked with a sniffle as he wiped his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

 

"Yes." Cas couldn’t help but smile back; it was infectious.

 

“Thanks, Cas. I’d like that, too.” Dean dried his face with the sleeve of his shirt and got up, grabbing something out of his duffel bag. He placed a pair of boxers and a spare shirt on Cas’s blanket covered lap. “I’ll go hide in the bathroom if you want to put some clothes on.”

 

Cas tilted his head in confusion before he looked around in the room. "Why do you want to hide in the bathroom?" 

 

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t want to cause any – anymore episodes by being in the room with you while you’re getting dressed.”

 

Cas nodded his understanding, but he gave Dean a head shake and a smile as he grabbed Dean's t-shirt and slowly peeled the blanket away. "The fact alone that you care about it already makes you different from him. It won't be a problem."

 

He smiled, but turned away from Cas anyway. At least he didn’t leave the room. Dean tapped on the side of his leg as he waited out Cas getting dressed.

 

When Cas was done, he let his fingers slide over the soft material of Dean's clothes, enjoying that they smelled just like him. "I'm done. Thank you for the clothes."  

 

Dean turned around and the way his breath hitched was a little mesmerizing. He nodded dumbly and appeared to swallow dryly. He nervously stammered out, “Uh, ye –ye ah. Any – anything you need.”

 

It was only then that Cas realized he was still in Dean's bed. Although Sam had been extraordinarily kind – sharing his bed with Cas – it didn't necessarily mean that Dean was inclined to doing that as well. “Do you want me to leave your bed?”

 

“No!” Dean’s eyes widened and he amended, “I mean, uh… If you don’t want to. I mean… Uh, I could… If you…” He sighed and shook his head. “If you’re comfortable, I’m sure Sammy wouldn’t mind switching rooms. I’ll go grab him.”

 

"Wait," Cas breathed out, already slipping out of the bed. "I didn't mean... " He looked down at the floor, his heart beating erratically. "If you don't want to stay with me, I can go back to my room."

 

Dean’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You… you want me to stay? You wanna stay with me?”

 

Cas nodded slowly, suddenly feeling insecure. “Yes, I mean, only if you want me to.”

 

Dean nodded and drew closer. “I do. I… I can sleep in the other bed if being in the same bed as me is too much of a reminder of… you know.”

 

Cas shook his head. “It isn’t at all. We never slept together in the same bed. He never wanted me to stay.”

 

“Shit, Cas,” Dean breathed out as he moved to sit on the edge of the mattress. “While I guess I should be grateful, fuck. You deserved so much better.” He looked up then, a shy, hesitant smile lighting up his already beautiful features. “You can even be the big spoon. If you want.”

 

Cas sat down next to him, returning the shy glance. "Would you tell me... that you want me to stay? I just want to hear it once before you explain to me why I should be silverware."

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “Cas? Will you stay with me tonight?”

 

Cas had no idea what Dean was laughing about, but it was really nice to see. Even nicer was to hear him say the words. That he wanted him close by. He wanted him to stay. He had wished to hear those words for such a long time. He nodded with a soft smile. "Yes. I want to."

 

Dean’s grin was infectious. “Good. And spooning is a form of cuddling, if you, uh… if you’re comfortable with that.”

 

"It's when you hold me while lying down on the bed, right?" Cas knew that much from Sam. He had sometimes done it when Cas was having a nightmare.

 

“Yeah, but like I said, you can hold me if that’s better for you?”

 

Cas didn't have a preference. "Sam sometimes held me when I had a nightmare. That helped a lot. I don't know what I prefer. Outside of that, I have no experience."

 

Dean smiled and moved to lay down. “Here, give it a try and see what you prefer.”

 

Cas slowly leaned down before he carefully touched Dean's chest, sliding his fingertips over it before he laid down behind him and pulled him close. "Like this?" he breathed out carefully.

 

Dean shifted onto his side and pressed his back against Cas, gently grasping his hand to wrap it over his abdomen. “Perfect.”

 

It felt incredible. Dean was so warm and alive against his body, and he couldn't help but bury his nose into his hair, breathing in the soothing way he smelled, a scent that reminded him of everything he knew and loved. "I don't think I want to move anymore," Cas replied tiredly. "This feels very nice."

 

“Don’t tell Sammy, but I like being the little spoon.” Dean hummed in appreciation and pulled the blanket over both of them. “Do you think you can hit the lights?”

 

Cas needed to reach backwards to shut the lights off, his arm leaving the position around Dean's body as he fumbled for the switch. When the light was out, he carefully touched Dean's side, his fingertips trailing carefully over his shirt before he had his arm around Dean again.

 

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean murmured sleepily as he held Cas’s arm against his chest, practically cuddling the limb. 

 

Cas breathed against Dean's neck as he slid closer, nudging his nose into Dean's hair again. He had no idea if he would ever feel at peace again, but in this moment, he did.

 

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep.

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

When Sam woke up the next morning, his first instinct was to look for Cas. When he realized Cas wasn’t in the bed next to him, he startled awake, sliding out of his bed as he looked around. “Cas?”

 

He couldn’t hear anything. The shower wasn’t running, so he quickly made his way to the door that connected his and Dean’s room. He was quiet, not wanting to abruptly wake up his brother. The sight that greeted him made him freeze on the spot.

 

Cas was sleeping in Dean’s bed, holding him in his arms. 

 

_ Fuck.  _ That wasn't good! Or was it? Cas didn't look like he was in distress, but Sam was seriously concerned. 

 

What if they did more than just lay in bed together? Cas wasn't ready for that. he wouldn't be for a long while. He didn't want Dean or Cas to get hurt by this messed up situation even more.

 

He snuck towards the bed and carefully pulled Cas away from Dean. Cas's eyes shot open with a start, but he immediately relaxed under his hand when he realized it was Sam.

 

"Sam? Did something happen?" he asked while slowly sitting up. 

 

Sam shook his head and gave him a questioning look. "You’re in Dean's bed. I was worried about you when you weren't there."

 

The angel looked down at the blanket. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you."

 

Sam grabbed his shoulder so Cas would look up at him again. “It’s alright. I’m just making sure you’re okay. What happened? How did you end up here?” His eyes widened when a thought suddenly crossed his mind. “Does Dean know you’re in his bed?”

 

“Yeah, he does, you loud moose,” his brother growled as he slowly turned over, eyes blinking owlishly and hair weirdly messy.

 

“Sorry I woke you up, Dean.” Sam chuckled before he turned to Cas again. “You want to go for a run before breakfast?”

 

The way Cas turned to look at Dean, Sam wondered if he was almost silently asking Dean for permission, although it didn’t really look that way. More like he was asking if Dean wanted him to leave. Sam wasn’t sure what he should think about that new development. He felt a little weird when a thought crossed his mind; the fact that Cas seemed to prefer to stay with Dean instead of Sam. He should have been happy about that, but on the other hand, he had come to enjoy spending time with Cas very much. They had a lot in common.

 

Dean fixed Cas with an amused half smile. “I’m not goin’ runnin’ with you guys.”

 

Cas chuckled quietly for a moment before he sighed deeply and nodded. "I'm going with you, Sam."

 

Sam gave him a bright smile before he pointed back to his room. "Your clothes are in our room. I can wait outside for you."

 

Cas nodded gratefully to him before Sam turned around and left the room. Maybe he could keep Cas to himself for a little while longer.

 

Sam felt guilty for the thought, especially because he had given his brother shit about being jealous. It was stupid and petty. They had Cas back and he was doing better. That's what was important here.


	6. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW:** There is a flashback in this chapter that depicts a graphic rape scene. It is entirely italicized if you wish to scroll past it.

**Chapter 6**

 

Dean had been in a helluva better mood since the hunt. Hunting always put him in a good mood, but it was the fact that it finally felt like there was progress. Cas still flinched when Dean entered a room, but now, instead of staying tense, he was starting to relax. Hell, the last time it happened, when Cas realized it was Dean (and not the demon doppelgänger) he smiled so brightly, Dean’s heart skipped a damn beat.

 

And that was the thing, it was getting more and more difficult to differentiate between his Cas and this one. As time continued to pass, the more time they spent together, the less guilt he felt about it. Because, knowing his Cas, he’d be ecstatic to know that Dean  _ wasn’t  _ spending the entirety of his time drowning in a fifth of Jack and listening to the mixtape he made him on repeat.

 

Sam had been acting a little weird since he walked in on Dean and Cas in dreamland, cuddled like a couple of kids at a slumber party. Dean thought he was imagining it, but the previous night  –  when Dean was hovered over Cas in the library, showing him funny videos on YouTube  –  Sam walked in, stared at him incredulously, and walked right back out with Cas never even noticing.

 

Dean was gonna call him out on it, but for now, he was too damn happy that Cas was finally warming up to him. So, feeling brave, he decided it was time to try and help him with his gardening crap. He liked manual labor, hopefully it would feel enough like it that it wouldn’t seem like gardening.

 

Cas was hunched over something in the fenced off little garden and Dean chuckled, causing the angel to spin around in surprise.

 

He raised his hands in surrender. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to sneak up on you, Cas.”

 

Cas gave him another one of his bright smiles as he waved him over. "It's okay, Dean. I just didn't hear you."

 

The damn smile was infectious, his own lips curling up in immediate response. “How’s it comin’?” he asked as he stepped over the little fence onto the dirt path and towards Cas.

 

Cas pointed at the tiny white blossoms on one of the bushes. “Look, I got my first bees.”

 

Dean chuckled, but kept his distance. He friggin’ hated all flying bugs after that stupid case all of those years ago. Cas looked so happy, even the snide comment that was on the verge of tumbling out was dampened. “That settles it, I’m buying you a bumblebee onesie, because I’m pretty sure you’d wear it unironically.”

 

Cas looked at him like he had no idea what he was talking about. Which happened often. Instead, he seemed to just ignore Dean's comment. "Did you come here to help me, or did you want something?" Cas asked curiously as a butterfly landed on his shoulder. Cas didn’t seem to notice.

 

Dean shrugged. “I had nothing to do, figured you could put me to work.”

 

Cas scrunched up his nose when the butterfly flew around his face, trying to find a spot to land. "You really want to help me?" he asked, surprise in his tone of voice.

 

Hiding his chuckle behind his hand, Dean nodded. “I mean, if you want me to help?”

 

The persistent butterfly landed somewhere in Cas’s messy mop of hair when his friend looked around the garden and nodded. “I want to build a raised bed for herbs and some vegetables along the fence. I could definitely use your help with that. I already have the wood and nails.”

 

_ Damn, he was cute.  _ Dean smiled and clapped his hands. “Alright, I have no idea what a raised bed or vegetables are, but tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

 

Cas squinted his eyes at him. “You once told me ketchup is a vegetable.” He suddenly froze and shook his head. “No, that was  _ my  _ Dean,” he added in a sad whisper.

 

Dean gave him a reassuring smile. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve said those exact words to my Cas.”

 

“You did?” Cas asked with wide eyes before his expression turned into something akin to awe. “It’s incredible how similar you are to my Dean. I sometimes forget you're not him and then I feel guilty. On the other hand… I know what my Dean would say to me if he could hear me.”

 

“He’d tell you that your happiness is all that matters, that I’m not a replacement, or a substitute. That I’m a second chance?” Dean smiled at Cas. 

 

Cas mirrored the smile and nodded. “Exactly… it’s just a little confusing sometimes. But I'm getting there.”

 

“There’s no time limit. And I’m just happy you’re here. That you came with me.” Dean approached Cas and held his hands out. “I really want to hug you, but I don’t want to freak you out, so I’m giving you the option. And you won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to.”

 

Cas closed the distance hesitantly, but still smiling softly before he wrapped his arms around him to hold him tight. “I missed this. I really liked it when you hugged me, although the circumstances that led to those hugs never had been great.”

 

Dean chuckled and soaked in every aspect of the moment. “Yeah, it’s nice to hug you like this, not because one of us is going off to die or have been missing for a long time.”

 

Cas shifted as he pressed his face against Dean’s throat. He could feel his warm breath on his skin when he murmured, “We should do this more often.”

 

“Anytime you want. Well, within reason. If you come in to hug me while I’m showering, you’ll get wet.” Dean laughed and wrapped his arms around Cas. 

 

He could feel the smile on Cas’s lips against his skin as he replied dryly, “That’s what towels are for.”

 

“Well, then I guess you can hug me anytime you want.” Dean felt a sting in his heart at the thought that that didn’t go both ways, but baby steps. Cas had been in his embrace for going on a minute now and he hadn’t pulled away yet. Dean took the wins as they came, no matter how small.

 

Cas pulled him a bit tighter, his breathing shallow against Dean’s throat as he murmured, “I wouldn't hug you in the morning if you were asleep though. That would be like hugging a bear.”

 

_ “Oh, baby, let me be, your lovin’ teddy bear,”  _ Dean sang a little off key, but it wasn’t like this was American Idol.

 

Cas chuckled against his shoulder before he nudged his nose softly over Dean’s throat as he leaned back to look up at him. “You may be a loving teddy bear now… but definitely not in the mornings.”

 

Dean smiled down at him. “In my defense, that’s pre-coffee. I don’t even think I know  _ English  _ prior to caffeine.” He brushed the stray hair out of Cas’s face, unable to take his eyes off of him. “So, how’s doin’ the whole running thing with Sammy? You sick of it yet?”

 

The butterfly took that opportunity to fly away from Cas’s head, just to vanish somewhere behind him. Cas still looked at Dean though, a soft smile playing around his lips and his arms still wrapped around Dean. “I like spending time outside with Sam. Not just for the original reason, but also because I like spending time with him. I have a feeling that we’ve grown closer since I’ve been here.”

 

Dean nodded. “I’m glad. Don’t get me wrong, I still get a little jealous, but… it’s good. Sammy always admired you and sought your approval and affection. I’m glad he’s getting it now.”

 

Cas tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean… you get jealous?”

 

He shrugged and gave him a slightly sad smile. “The thing is, my whole life, Sammy was the better liked one. And with good reason. He’s approachable where I’m not, he’s polite where I wouldn’t know tact if it bit my ass. My only value for most of my life was making sure Sammy was okay, but you… you and I, it was the first time I felt like, maybe for once,  _ I  _ was the better liked one. So, sometimes, I get jealous when you enter a room and look for Sam instead of me. But I don’t want you to feel bad about it. Like I said, I’m glad for both of you.”

 

Cas slowly pulled his hands away from him and took a few steps back. He felt uncomfortably cold with the sudden loss of warmth. Cas looked down at the ground. “I see.”

 

“Shit. I shouldn’t have told you that. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean sighed and looked at the pile of wood. “So, uh, what should I do first?”

 

Cas took in a deep, shuddering breath and shook his head. “It’s alright. I just need a moment to put what you just said into the right context.” His lips were pressed into a thin line and when the butterfly danced around him again, Cas actually swatted it with his hand, causing it to fall to the ground.

 

Dean knelt down and held his palm out, gently urging the injured insect into his hand. He looked up at Cas and nodded. “Maybe I should leave.”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment before he knelt down next to Dean and touched the butterfly. His finger glowed and the right wing looked normal again before it quickly flew away. “I'm sorry… He was always so jealous and possessive… angry about everything… paranoid. I'm sorry, I shouldn’t take my anger out on you, or anyone else.”

 

Dean braced his hand over Cas’s. “I told you that ‘cause I’ve lost the people I care about because of my damn dishonesty. My jealousy isn’t possessive. It’s grief. For what I’ve lost. For what you’ve lost. But it’ll eventually fade. I just wanted you to know.” He moved to stand. “Want me to go get Sam? If you draw up some plans, I can come back later and build your vegetable bed thing.”

 

Cas suddenly stood up and wrapped his arms around Dean, pressing his face against his shoulder. “Please don't go.”

 

Wrapping his arms around Cas, he exhaled a relieved sigh. “I won’t.”

 

After a moment Cas asked quietly, "Are you angry with me?"

 

“Why would you think that?” Dean asked as he drew back to look at him. 

 

Cas looked down at Dean’s shirt. “You wanted to grab Sam and leave me.”

 

Dean chuckled and gripped Cas’s chin. “Because I thought I triggered you or something. I wanted you to feel safe.”

 

“You did trigger something, but I'm okay… I was just angry for a moment. Sam said getting angry is a good reaction and it means I'm getting better.” Cas’s finger were still wrapped tight in the fabric of Dean’s shirt, as if he needed to cling to something.

 

He nodded and the urge to just hold onto Cas for the rest of his life was particularly strong in that moment. “I’m not gonna lie, I’d rather see you pissed than… how you were that first night.”

 

Cas nodded as he stepped closer again. “Me, too. I hate not being in control of what I do.” His arms wrapped around Dean’s again. “Can I–can I hug you again? I don’t feel like letting go of you just yet.”

 

“You don’t even have to ask, Cas. Remember?” Dean smiled down at him and opened his arms in offer of a hug. 

 

Cas took the offer without hesitation and pulled him into a tight hug, resting his head against Dean’s shoulder, his face pressed against his throat, which appeared to be his favorite hugging position. He exhaled slowly against Dean’s skin before he murmured, “Can we stay like this forever?”

 

Dean chuckled. “Sure. Just imagine: us hunting a werewolf embraced like this. I don’t know if that would make it easier or more difficult.”

 

Cas chuckled against his throat. Dean liked the sound of it and hoped he could hear it more often. “That’s probably impractical.” He could feel Cas’s lips ghosting over his throat as he murmured the words.

 

“Although, it’s probably a good defense against vampires. They can’t reach either of our necks.” Dean started carding his hand through Cas’s hair. 

 

Cas hummed against Dean's throat. His voice sounded a bit tired as he said, "I’ll watch over your neck."

 

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked as he craned his neck slightly to look at him, while never really drawing away from the embrace. 

 

Cas turned his face to look up at him, their faces incredibly close. "Yes, I'm just tired. Some of my wounds are healing, but not the ones from the angelic weapons. It's tiring."

 

“Well, Rowena’s lookin’ into it. Hopefully she can help,” Dean said as he gently cupped Cas’s cheek, feeling irrevocably drawn to him.  _ Like a moth to a flame.  _ Apparently, Cas made him think in tired cliches.

 

“You heard from her?” Cas whispered breathlessly. “Is she coming here to look at the sigil on my back?”

 

Dean smiled. “She’s looking into the types of magic that can cause that before she comes here to figure it out. But yeah. Hopefully she can find a relatively pain free way to get rid of those marks.”

 

"I don't care if it's pain free. I just hope she can lift the spell that will kill me if we get rid of the sigil that keeps me from healing myself." Cas sounded determined and Dean had a feeling he was standing even closer than before.

 

“We’ll do everything we can, Cas. I will be more than happy to rid you of any and all physical reminders of that fucker.” Dean didn’t mind this closeness, in fact, kind of the opposite. Maybe in another life, another timeline, there was a version of them that got to have this without any bullshit. That thought brought a smile to his face and he chuckled, looking down for a moment as the pad of his thumb gently caressed Cas’s cheek.

 

He could practically feel the bemused smile on Cas's lips when he asked, "What is it?"

 

“I was just thinking… I really hope there’s a version of us out there that gets to have this. This closeness, just maybe without all of the pain. I like the idea that there’s versions of us that didn’t get fucked over, in some way or another.”

 

Cas leaned into his hand. "You said this is a second chance for both of us. Maybe we can try to find a way to be one of those versions in the end?"

 

“You think that’s possible?” While Dean knew, pretty much the first time this Cas smiled at him, that falling in love with him was going to be just as easy as it had been the first time he fell for his Cas, he wasn’t an idiot. He wasn’t holding out hope, or even expectations, because… how could he? The trauma Cas had suffered at the hands of a man that had his face, the fact that they were standing in a garden in each other’s embrace was more than he could have ever hoped for.

 

"I'm hoping it is. It may be naive... but I need this hope in my life to have something to live for."

 

“Oh, Cas,” Dean murmured as he cupped his face, “you have so much to live for. Even if you can never see yourself… you know…  _ with  _ me. There’s so much more. And me and Sammy? We’re gonna prove it to you.”

 

It was so easy to get lost in those damn baby blues he had missed so much. Cas's hands tightened around him. "I'm already starting to see it," he breathed out. "You... and Sam, you did so much for me and it's like having my family back. It's like..." He shook his head. "I  _ have  _ my family back. I want to be happy again and I hope that you will play a huge part in my future happiness."

 

Dean couldn’t help but smile. “You’re amazing, Castiel. And it would be my honor to play any part in your future happiness.”

 

Cas smiled brightly at him before he leaned in. For a second Dean thought he was going to kiss him, but then he drew him in for another hug. "Thank you."

 

“No thanks necessary,” he murmured against the crown of Cas’s head. 

 

Cas leaned back after a long moment and smiled at him. "I can explain to you what a raised bed is if you still want to help me build one. It's not difficult. It's basically a box that gets filled with different kinds of earth."

 

Dean chuckled. “Sounds easy enough.” He looked at Cas and braced his hands on his hips. “Well, you’re the boss. Tell me what to do.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Cas was exhausted after spending so much time on building the raised bed and filling it up with the different kinds of earth and leaves the vegetables and herbs would need to grow. His pants and shirt were dirty, as well as his hands and arms. He felt too tired to use his grace and wondered if he could use the shower.

 

The problem was that he didn’t know if going to the bathroom would be a good idea. He felt better, more stable. The few flashbacks he had had luckily been the exception so far. He just wasn’t sure if he was ready to go into the bathroom again.

 

He glanced over at Dean, who wiped his hand over his face, leaving streaks of dirt on his skin. Cas bit his lip and looked away when his heart skipped a beat as Dean took the hem of his shirt and wiped his face on it, revealing his stomach and parts of his chest.

 

Cas had been attracted to the hunter since forever and even after the hell he had been through with the demon, it never faded. Which messed him up even more because the demon had known about Cas's attraction to Dean and used it against him.

 

He was sure that a romantic relationship with this Dean was a dream in the far away future, if ever. Especially since he wasn't even brave enough to go into the bathroom alone.

 

He sighed deeply, wondering what he should do.

 

“Damn, Cas. You’re covered in dirt. I don’t think I’ve seen you so dirty since…” He shook his head and waved his hand dismissively.  _ “My  _ Cas that dirty since Purgatory.”

 

Cas nodded and gave him a soft smile. “It also fits with my history. I looked that way, too.” But at that time, he had enough grace at his disposal to simply clean himself up again.

 

Dean wiped his hands on his dirty jeans, not really making a difference. “Why haven’t you mojo’d yourself clean?”

 

So much for his hope he could solve this without getting Dean involved. "My grace fluctuates when I haven't slept enough. It's not enough to clean myself."

 

He nodded his understanding and smiled at him. “Come with me, I’ve got something to show you.” Dean smiled and waved for Cas to follow him as he made his way to the bunker door.

 

Cas followed him, removing his dirty shoes so he wouldn’t bring any mud inside before he went down the stairs. “What is it?”

 

Dean winked. “It’s a surprise.” He continued to follow the hunter through the bunker to the hallway of bedrooms. Dean went to the room that he had been working on for the past couple of weeks.

 

He opened the door and held it open for Cas. “Take a look.”

 

When Cas looked inside of the room, it wasn’t the man cave Dean had claimed to be working on. The room had been converted into a bathroom. With a single person shower unit and a stand up sink.

 

Dean grinned. “Whaddya think? I just finished it today.”

 

“You built a bathroom?” Cas asked slowly, trying to understand why Dean had done it in the first place.

 

He nodded and stepped inside, approaching the small mirror over the sink. Dean popped it open and waved for Cas to look. It was filled with different medical supplies. 

 

“I built  _ you _ a bathroom. Somewhere you can clean and dress your wounds, and if it’s particularly nasty, there’s a shower you can use. I mean, this won’t be necessary when Rowena finds a way to get rid of that sigil. But on the off chance that doesn’t pan out, now you have somewhere you can do it the old fashioned way, you know?” Dean’s smile was open and hopeful.

 

Cas was overwhelmed. Dean had built a bathroom for him. Just for him. He stared at the man for a moment, blinking before he walked over to Dean and pulled him into a quiet and tight hug. He wanted to say something, but the words were stuck in his throat.

 

Dean rubbed a soothing circle on his back as he held him. “I just wanted you to have a space here that wasn’t tainted, but you being an angel, I figured I should make it practical.” He chuckled and drew back. He pulled something from his pocket and held it out. A solitary silver key. “It has a lock and you will have the only key.”

 

Cas pulled back slowly and wrapped his fingers around the key and Dean's hand. “I – I don't what to say... I – " He shook his head. "A 'thank you' just doesn't express my gratitude. No one has ever done something like this for me."

 

“So you like it?” Dean asked with another hopeful smile.

 

Cas gave him a wide eyed look. "Understatement," he breathed out and before he could stop himself, he added, "I could kiss you right now." He immediately felt heat rising into his cheeks as he looked away. "I mean, um, sorry. I didn't want to say that out loud."

 

Dean did something he never would have anticipated seeing the hunter do. He blushed. The Righteous Man blushed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s, uh… it’s okay. I know what you meant.”

 

Cas looked down at his hands and the floor, then over to the shower before he breathed out into the quietness, "Well, this is awkward."

 

A warm hand grasped his chin and tilted his head up. “It’s okay, Cas. Maybe it’s a sign you’re really starting to move on.”

 

Cas's breathing hitched when he got lost in Dean's warm, green eyes. Even though they were the same eye color as his Dean’s, they weren't remotely similar. The demon’s eyes (even when they weren’t black) were always cold and empty, whereas Dean's eyes held light and warmth. "I hope so," he replied shyly, wishing he could just move forward and taste those lips. But he was too afraid.

 

“Will it make you feel better to know if, uh… I mean, kissing has the same rules as hugging in my book? Your terms. Your call. And you never have to ask.”

 

Cas stared at him again, feeling like he couldn't breathe anymore. Dean would be okay with it. The thought was incredibly tempting as he licked over his suddenly too dry lips. But his heart knew better. He knew he needed more time and he didn't want to risk the progress he had made. So he drew away from Dean, breathing shallowly, but smiling shyly at him. "That's good to know. Thank you, Dean."

 

Dean nodded and smiled. “There’s towels in that cabinet. And the water pressure’s even better. I got you a fancy head with different settings.”

 

Cas couldn't help but feel excited about that. "Thank you, Dean. So much." He had another thought that made heat rise to his face and he tried to forget about it. 

 

“I’ll, uh… I’ll let you get to it then.” Dean smiled a little shyly and ducked his head as he made his way to the door.

 

He had no idea what came over him  –  probably the fantasy that had crossed his mind about Dean being in the shower with him  –  but before Dean could leave, he wrapped his fingers around the man’s wrist to halt him and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "Thank you, again. I can't wait to try it."

 

Dean stared at him in amazement before he cleared his throat and nodded. “Uh, yeah. Well, uh… enjoy.” He turned away to leave and Cas was pretty sure Dean had no idea Cas could see his reflection in the mirror. Or the way his hand touched his cheek where Cas had kissed him. Or the way his lips curled up in a beautiful smile.

 

He was happy that he witnessed that reaction. He had needed to see it to calm down his rapidly beating heart. It wasn’t beating from excitement, it was fear. 

 

A part of him still expected this to all be a dream. That he would wake up and suddenly be back again. Right in the moment when he felt the happiest, when he let himself relax. He hated being so tense and he hated thinking like that. His rational mind knew that he was safe and yet he still felt waves of panic in certain situations. 

 

Cas locked the door before he slowly undressed, his fingers running over his many scars. The cuts over his hipbone had turned into bright white scars, prominently highlighting the word ‘bitch’ against his otherwise lightly tanned skin.

 

He didn’t want to think about it, but the memory of that day suddenly flooded his mindseye.

 

*******

 

_ “What do you think you’re doing?” the Demon demanded as he suddenly appeared behind him in his room. _

 

_ Cas startled and dropped the band aid he had tried to use on a cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding. "N _ _ – _ _ nothing." _

 

_ Dean charged forward and yanked him down to his knees in front of him. “I thought you liked belonging to me,” he accused. _

 

_ "I do, I do," Cas quickly tried to reassure him. "I just didn't want to make anything dirty." _

 

_ “See, how can I believe that when you just lied to my face?” he asked with an eerie calm in his voice. Cas knew that meant Dean wasn’t going to go easy on him. _

 

_ "I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you. Please forgive me," Cas begged him. Dean liked it when he begged, he hoped that maybe it would appease him. _

 

_ Dean quirked his brow at him in disdain. “Forgive you for what? Say the words, Cas.” _

 

_ Cas swallowed dryly before he answered shakily, "Please forgive me for trying to cover up your marks and for lying about it." _

 

_ He released his grip on Cas’s hair and pet him instead. “Good.” Dean caressed the side of his face and nodded. “What else do you need to do to gain my forgiveness?” _

 

_ Cas bit his lip to keep himself from crying, he knew Dean hated that. He reached forward and slowly opened the button of Dean's jeans and zipper. He carefully pulled the jeans down, just enough to free Dean's half hard penis. He looked up at Dean to ask his permission, like he had trained him to. "Please may I... s–suck your cock?" _

 

_ Dean smirked. “You may.” _

 

_ Cas leaned forward and wrapped his lips around Dean, starting to suck him down. He used his tongue to swirl around the head and used everything he had learned to give Dean pleasure, hoping he could make him come fast, so it would be over soon. _

 

_ Dean fisted Cas’s hair and started thrusting forward, a rough and animalistic pace that couldn’t have possibly felt good with the way his teeth inadvertently scraped the shaft. But then, Dean didn’t really use sex to feel good. _

 

_ He used it to show Cas his place. The hard and deep way he thrusted into Cas's mouth was uncomfortable, but he was used to it by now. All he could do was just try to relax his mouth so Dean would be pleased with him. _

 

_ Suddenly, he yanked his sex from Cas’s abused mouth and pulled him to his feet by the grip in his hair. “Yeah, your mouth ain’t gonna cut it.” _

 

_ Cas's heart stopped and he shook his head. "Please, I’ll try to do better." _

 

_ “Are you telling me no?” Dean demanded as he started walking Cas towards his bed. _

 

_ Cas dropped his gaze and shook his head again, his whole body started to shiver. "No, of course not, Dean. I'm yours." _

 

_ “Strip,” he commanded as he shoved him back, causing the backs of his knees to hit the bed frame. _

 

_ Cas bit his lip to stifle the pained groan as he pulled off his shirt and opened his pants quickly. His boxer shorts followed directly after onto the pile of clothes on the floor before he crawled onto the bed on all fours. He bit his lip so hard he could taste blood. _

 

_ “Turn over,” he barked. _

 

_ That was new. Cas turned over on the bed, giving Dean a confused look. "What?" _

 

_ Dean crawled onto the mattress and gripped his calves, yanking Cas closer. “Wouldn’t you like to see my face for once?” The question was meant to hurt him, the fact that he unceremoniously shoved his dick inside Cas’s hole without any sort of lubrication, punctuated his intention. _

 

_ The sigil on his back didn't just prevent him from healing and subjected him to needing sleep, it also made it impossible to control the experience of pain. Seeing Dean looking down at him with dead eyes made it hurt even more.  _

 

_ This wasn't the face he wanted to see. But that wasn't what the demon wanted to hear. "Yes," he pressed out. _

 

_ A litany of grunts and the sound of skin slapping on skin was what he tried to focus on. Dean usually used lubrication, if only to save himself the sort of chafing fucking him raw and unprepped could cause. When fingernails were cruelly pressed into the skin of his hips, Dean chuckled cruelly at the way Cas winced. “Do you understand what you did wrong?” he chastised in between grunts. _

 

_ Cas felt panicked because he didn't know how to answer Dean's question. What had he done wrong now? He had no idea why it was so difficult for him to follow Dean's rules. He deserved what he got for his own stupidity. He shook his head slowly, a couple of tears escaping even though he desperately tried to stop them. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I did wrong." _

 

_ Dean’s expression darkened as he started slamming into him harder. Cas could feel the internal tears from the rough friction and he could only hope the blood would sooth the agonizing burn. _

 

_ “Your marks are a sign you are mine,” he growled before he slammed hard again. “They are a signature, a brand. You are to never…” another hard thrust. “Ever try to heal another mark.” Thrust. “Am I understood?” _

 

_ "Yes," Cas cried out in pain. "I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. I swear. Please." He knew begging for mercy wouldn't work, but he couldn’t refrain despite it being hopeless. _

 

_ “Just to be sure,” Dean grunted as the First Blade flew into his palm, never once faltering in his pace. Suddenly he stopped, shoved in to the hilt. “You are worthless to anyone who isn’t me, and I’ll make sure of that.”  _

 

_ The blinding hot pain against his right hip as the Blade was sunk in was unlike anything he’d ever felt. Dean hadn’t cut deep, but enough that it broke his skin. _

 

_ The pain felt eternal, he had no idea how long Dean had been slicing into his skin before he finally drew back. “There, now people will know how worthless you are.” _

 

_ Suddenly he pulled out of Cas before jerking himself off on Cas’s stomach, managing to drag the head of his softening erection over his new wound. “Clean yourself up.” _

 

_ With that Dean was gone and his punishment was over. Cas looked down at himself, wiping his tears away so he could see what Dean had done. There was too much blood over the cuts, but when he wiped it away, he could see that Dean had cut the word 'bitch' into his skin. He let himself fall back on the bed, biting his lip hard so he wouldn't succumb to his tears.  _

 

_ He needed to get up and clean himself. Dean was expecting him and he didn't want to cause anymore trouble for him today. _

 

*******

 

Cas braced his palms on the ground, kneeling on the cold floor as he watched his tears fall to the ground. He sat up and wiped them away as his gaze fell on the shower.

 

Dean had built this for him as a safe space. He was safe. It had just been a memory and it would fade away over time. Just like the power the demon had had over him. 

 

He bit his lip hard as a steely determination filled him with the strength to stand. A determination to fight, to get better, so he stepped under the shower and started the water. 

 

It was warm, soothing. Washing away the dirt, but also his tears. In a way it felt like he was washing away the memories as well, picturing them vanishing down the drain.

 

_ Dean built this for me. _

 

He smiled. Dean fought for him to get better and Cas was even more resolved to fight. Not only for himself, but for Dean. And for that little smile he had seen on Dean’s face after he had kissed his cheek.

 

He wanted to see him happy. He wanted to be the reason for it. The thought left a warm and fuzzy feeling in his heart, a little bit like the soft towel he wrapped around himself after the shower.


	7. All your life

**Chapter 7**

 

It had been almost two weeks and they had been dry of any sorts of cases. There had been a false alarm wendigo case a state over about a week ago, but it turned out to be a goddamn prank by a bunch of asshole teenagers. Sammy and Cas were annoyingly optimistic about it. Hoping it meant that maybe things were finally starting to calm down, considering how many almost apocalypses they’d lived through.

 

Dean couldn’t afford to be that optimistic. Because usually when he felt anything akin to hope, there was always a demon, or a vampire, or an archangel waiting in the wings to fuck everything up; he snickered to himself at his own pun. That’s how he found himself alone in the library, feet kicked up on another chair with the laptop to his left and a newspaper in his lap.

 

Which meant things had to be too quiet if Dean was willingly doing research. He had his standards mixtape blaring in his walkman as he flipped between paper and internet. He wasn’t sure why, but listening to crooners always made him concentrate better.

 

Cas suddenly stood before him, waving at him awkwardly with a shy smile.

 

Dean chuckled and lowered his headphones. “Thought you and Sammy went for a run?”

 

"We're back." Cas smiled before he gave him a curious look. "What are you doing?"

 

“Huntin’ for a case,” he said as he raised the newspaper. 

 

Cas leaned against the table and tried to look at the newspaper. "Found anything?"

 

Dean sighed and shook his head. “Nothing, man. It’s weird. And there’s no way I’m looking for cases in friggin’ Canada.”

 

Cas chewed his lower lip and continued to glance at him before quickly looking away. "So... does that mean you have some free time?"

 

He shrugged and moved to sit upright in his chair, dropping his feet to the ground. “Sure. What’s up?”

 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck, appearing very nervous. It was damn adorable. "You helped me in the garden some time ago and I just wondered if there is anything... um, you would like to do with me? I mean, if you want to spend time with me."

 

Dean couldn’t help but smile. He was a little touched that Cas was offering. He couldn’t think of anything he’d like better. “I’m cool with just spending time with you. There anything you want to do? Mini golf? Skydiving? Video arcade?” He waggled his eyebrows at Cas.

 

"I don't know. Sam told me the fourth of July is something you celebrated when you were children. And that you had a barbeque. It's tomorrow and I never had a barbeque.” Cas scratched his chin. “Other than that… I don’t know.”

 

“You wanna celebrate the fourth?” Dean asked, unable to hide the amusement from his tone. He was pretty sure he sounded a little enamored too. The hell was it about this damn angel that made him feel like the middle school version of himself?

 

Cas nodded with a shy smile. "I never celebrated any human holiday and Sam made it sound like it was his favorite memory and a lot of fun. So I was curious."

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah. You wanna go buy some fireworks? We can pick up stuff to throw on the baby grill we got in the kitchen. Make a real go of it?”

 

Cas gave him a bright smile. "Yes, yes to everything." His smile grew even bigger, he looked very excited.

 

Taking off his headphones and popping the cassette out of his walkman, Dean nodded. “Wanna go grab Sam? I’ll meet you guys out by Baby?”

 

Cas gave the tape a curious look, but didn't say anything before he nodded. "I’ll tell him." He gave him another shy glance before he turned around and walked in the direction of Sam's room.

 

Dean smiled as he watched him walk away. It was weird to think of a guy in the form of a dude that was older than him as cute. But Cas managed to make it work. Dean pocketed the tape. He’d been enjoying his standards and Sam could just shut the hell up about it. He grabbed the keys to Baby and made his way to the map room to wait for them.

 

Sam rocked back and forth on his heels like some friggin’ happy, bouncy ball before he clapped a hand on Dean's shoulder enthusiastically. "I think it's really cool we’re doing this. We haven't celebrated a holiday in a long time, man."

 

Cas was right behind him. He looked very happy and it was nice to see.

 

“About damn time, and seeing as there’s been a hunter’s drought, might as well, you know? Besides, I’m excited to see what Cas thinks of fireworks.” Dean chuckled and started headed up the stairs. 

 

Sam turned around and gave Cas a fond look. "Yeah, me too. Fireworks are the best thing about the holiday."

 

Cas followed them up with a soft smile. "I'm looking forward to seeing it." When they were in front of the Impala Cas asked, "Why do you grill food and have fireworks on this day?"

 

Dean smirked. “It’s the anniversary of the day we kicked the Brits out. Basically America’s birthday.”

 

Cas nodded, but Dean could see that it took a few more seconds to comprehend before he got it. "So, this is a celebration of freedom with food and... I don't know how the fireworks fit in."

 

Dean smirked and said, “Probably something to do with the hypermasculinity problem Americans have.” He mostly said that for his brother’s reaction.

 

Sam scoffed before he shrugged and got in the backseat of the Impala. It was like an unspoken new development that he sat in the back. “Okay, they’re loud, but they’re also kind of awesome.”

 

“Yeah. And we haven’t done the barbeque thing in I don’t even know how long.”

 

"I think, now that we have Cas with us, maybe we should do this kind of stuff more often, you know? Celebrate holidays, like a real family," Sam said after they were all seated in the car.

 

Cas turned to Dean with a hopeful smile. “I would love to experience more human customs like that.”

 

“Done.” Dean chuckled as he started the car and popped the tape from his pocket in the deck. 

 

After a moment, Cas tilted his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard this tape before.”

 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I usually only listen to it when we do research. But I was feeling it today.”

 

Cas appeared to listen to it intently for a few minutes before he smiled at him. “It’s nice.”

 

“That’s old, blue eyes himself. Frank Sinatra.” Dean turned up the volume and could practically hear Sam’s eye roll.

 

Cas was still smiling and that was all that mattered anyway. “What is this song called?” 

 

_ “All of me, why not take all of me,”  _ Dean sang along with the chorus. 

 

He kept glancing towards Cas, who was eerily quiet as he listened to the song. He looked thoughtful, almost sad.

 

Dean furrowed his brow and asked, “You okay, Cas?”

 

Cas nodded slowly before he gave Dean a soft smile. "I can relate to the words of the song."

 

He definitely understood that. Dean almost leaned over to pat Cas’s knee, but retracted his hand at the last moment. “That’s what I like about music. It can say what you’re feeling better than you can sometimes.”

 

"I no longer have to go along without you though," Cas whispered after a moment with a soft smile.

 

Dean returned the smile. “Exactly.”

 

Sam leaned forward and put his hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Rowena texted me this morning. She's coming over in a couple days. She said she found something on the sigil and spell.”

 

“Did she say if she can remove it?” Cas asked hopefully.

 

Sam shook his head. “She didn’t say, but if she wants to come over, I guess she found something.”

 

Cas seemed to think over something for a moment before he shook his head. “I never thought I might get help from Crowley’s mother.”

 

Dean snorted. “Yeah, it’s kinda crazy that our enemies are the ones who end up helping us the most.” 

 

Sam scoffed. “Only because they usually want something from us. They don’t help us if it’s not in their interest.”

 

“Speaking of which, what did Rowena want in exchange for trying to help Cas?” 

 

He could see Sam squeezing Cas’s shoulder from the corner of his eye. “Yeah, it was actually a weird request. She wanted the name of the witch who did this to Cas.”

 

“I thought the other Dean did it.” Dean furrowed his brow and cast a look in Cas’s direction.

 

Cas shook his head. “He requested the help of a witch for this. It was someone he knew through Crowley."

 

Dean held back the urge to cringe. It was a little bizarre to feel guilty over something that was technically done by another version of himself. Knowing that his relationship  –  because he hesitated to think of it as a friendship  –  with Crowley was a huge trigger for him. Because of shit like this. “Who was it?” Dean asked, resisting the next urge to gently grasp Cas’s hand in comfort.

 

“He mostly called her bitch, but I think her name was Yennefer,” Cas answered tensely before his hand reached over to grab Dean’s hand.

 

Dean held it and cast him a soft smile, gently squeezing. He decided to change the subject. Cas needed to focus on the present, not the past. “What are you most looking forward to with your first human holiday?”

 

“Seeing the fireworks, but mostly...” Cas squeezed his hand and smiled at Dean. “Spending time with you.”

 

Dean returned the smile, trying to ignore the damn butterflies in his stomach at the way Cas looked at him. It was so easy to get lost in those baby blues, even before Dean realized what he felt for Cas was less than platonic, he’d always ended up getting lost in a sea of pale blue. “Me, too.”

 

“‘You’ as in just Dean, or ‘you' as in both of us?” Sam asked with a smirk.

 

Cas actually blushed in embarrassment before he mumbled, “Of course I like spending time with you, too, Sam.”

 

Dean couldn’t help but chuckle. “I definitely only meant Cas.” He winked at his brother through the rear view mirror.

 

“I feel the love, Dean.” Sam snorted, crossing his arms over his chest, but he gave Dean an amused and knowing smirk before he pointed at Dean and Cas’s hands between them. Cas was still holding Dean’s hand, looking out of his window with what looked like an embarrassed expression.

 

The way his brother smirked meant Dean probably had an embarrassing expression of his own. He could actually feel the heat in his cheeks, but instead of shying away, or retracting his hand, Dean simply caressed the pad of his thumb over Cas’s index finger. Again, he changed the subject. “So, what’re we thinkin’? Burgers? Hot dogs? Stupid ass vegetables for Sammy?”

 

Sam and Cas answered at the same time, but were voting for different things. His brother, of course, voted for green stuff, whereas Cas wanted burgers. 

 

“We can have both, guys,” Dean said with a chuckle, pleased that Cas had still not let go of his hand.

 

Cas had pushed his thumb between their hands and slowly started to stroke over Dean's palm, looking over at him with a shy smile as Sam interrupted their moment, 

 

"Okay, you can eat your burgers and I'm gonna grill some bell peppers, mushrooms, potatoes, and maybe a zucchini. Oh, man. I’m getting hungry."

 

“Sounds good, Sammy,” Dean murmured as he smiled at Cas. In that moment something occurred to him. “Can you taste food because of that stupid sigil?”

 

“Not as much as I want to, but yes. It doesn’t taste... molecule-y.” Cas mirrored the smile as he leaned back against the seat, continuing to tenderly draw patterns on the inside of Dean’s palm. 

 

Dean nodded. “Well, hopefully that means you’ll get to enjoy what I grill.” 

 

"I'm very sure I will enjoy it," Cas replied, sounding a little tired.

 

“You okay, Cas?” Sam asked and Dean nodded his concern along with his brother, giving Cas’s hand a gentle squeeze. 

 

"I'm just tired." 

 

Sam rubbed his hand over Cas's shoulder. "Maybe it was too early? You sleeping alone in your new bedroom."

 

Dean glanced at Cas and shook his head. “You’re in your own room now?”

 

Cas nodded slowly. "I wanted to give Sam his privacy back. I just need to get used to it. That's all," Cas tried to reassure them, but it sounded too quiet. Like he didn’t believe it himself.

 

“It’s just us, Cas. You can tell us,” Dean urged as he gave his hand another gentle squeeze. 

 

He could see Sam was leaning in closer. "And I don't mind if you bunk with me for little longer, Cas. If it isn't working for you yet, you can come back anytime."

 

Cas sighed deeply. "Thank you, Sam, but I need to try this. I already anticipated that the first couple of nights would be rough. But if I never leave the safety you're providing me, I will always fear this. I need to be brave to get better."

 

“What is it, exactly? I mean, is it nightmares?” Dean asked. Cas had come a long way over the last month, but he still had his moments, and understandably. 

 

Cas nodded before he quietly added, "Nightmares, panic attacks, confusion... I was so tired, but I still couldn't fall asleep until the early morning hours."

 

Dean squeezed his hand again, this time in comfort. “Have you tried sleeping with music playing?”

 

Cas shook his head. “No. Why?”

 

“When Sammy was little and he’d have nightmares from some of the shit we saw, the only thing that helped chase the monsters away was leaving the clock radio on a mellow station. Maybe it’ll help with your monsters?” Dean suggested, giving him a reassuring smile.

 

Cas chewed on his lower lip before he nodded slowly. "I will try that, thank you."

 

**.... :::: :::: ….**

 

He had been staring at the digital glowing numbers of the clock radio for hours now. It was sixteen minutes past three am. Tears were running down his cheeks because he was so tired, he couldn't even think anymore. 

 

But sleep didn't come. Going shopping with Dean and Sam had used up so much energy that he assumed he would easily fall asleep tonight. 

 

He reached over to the radio and lowered the volume before he pressed the button to turn it on. It was a radio station that played classical music. The soft melody of Clair de Lune was filling his room and Cas tried to relax to it. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the sound of the piano, trying to float away in a hopefully dreamless state of sleep.

 

He was shocked awake by a crescendo of strings, hastily scrambling to turn the radio off. His heart was beating a million miles per second as he tried to calm down his breathing, shaking away the fog of confusion. Where was he? Had Dean heard the music? 

 

Panic clenched his heart as he quickly slid out of the bed, falling to his knees when his muscles didn't work. He was so tired, but he needed to get up. His right knee hurt as he stood up and he noticed he had scraped it on the floor, it was bleeding. He more or less crawled to the door and opened it before he leaned against the wall in the hallway. His body shivered. He was only wearing boxer shorts and the stone wall was freezing cold, like the ground beneath his feet. 

 

He pulled his legs towards his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees as he tried to wake up. Why was it so difficult? He needed to find Dean and apologize for falling asleep. He couldn't remember being allowed to sleep. And if he had heard the music... A few more tears fell from his eyes. He would get punished hard for listening to music. He had no idea why the radio had been turned on. How could he be so stupid? Dean hated when he listened to music.

 

He pressed his face against his forearm when more tears started to fall, trying to muffle his noises. He didn’t want Dean to hear him. But he felt so weak and tired. He just needed to sleep. He wished he could. Nothing made sense anymore and everything hurt.

 

“Cas?” Dean asked, rubbing a hand over his face as he blinked and looked down at him in concern. He knelt in front of him. “Do you know where you are?” he asked in an Australian accent.

 

And something clicked in place as he looked up and saw Dean's concerned and tired face. Like a last puzzle piece that suddenly showed him the whole picture. The demon was dead. And the Dean kneeling in front of him was his... his  _ friend.  _ He was safe.

 

He fell forward, breathing out Dean's name before he sank against his friend's chest, wrapping his arms around him. He was so tired, he could probably fall asleep right there.  

 

Dean hushed him and started gently swaying with him. “You’re good, Cas. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

 

"I'm so tired, Dean," Cas mumbled as he pressed his face against Dean's throat. "I just want to sleep."

 

“Want me to take you to Sammy’s room?” he offered as he gently carded his hand through Cas’s hair, continuing to sway as his free hand rubbed his back.

 

Cas shook his head. "I want Sam to sleep through the night for a change. I want to go back to my room. But can you... can you stay for a while?"

 

Dean nodded and drew back, giving him a smile. “Yeah, sure. Come on, let’s get you off the cold floor.”

 

Cas let himself get picked up from the floor, still feeling like he was about to keel over, but Dean was holding him securely. "Thank you, Dean."

 

When he was back on the bed, he almost groaned with how good the soft mattress felt. He could see that Dean’s eyes fell to his knee, which was still bleeding. “It’s not that bad. I just fell when I tried to get up.”

 

“Want me to grab the first aid kit?” Dean gave him another reassuring smile.

 

Just the thought of Dean leaving him alone felt wrong. He shook his head. "Please just stay." He reached out to grab Dean's hand, pulling him onto the bed with him. "Is that okay?" he asked carefully.

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, of course, Cas.” He crawled under the covers and held his arms open. “Wanna be the little spoon this time?”

 

Instead of answering, Cas laid down next to Dean, pressing his back against Dean's chest. He could feel Dean's breath on his neck as his friend wrapped his arm around his chest and pulled him closer. Cas closed his eyes and wrapped his fingers around Dean's wrist before he tenderly rubbed his fingertips over Dean's warm skin. It felt nice and he felt safe. He knew that this Dean would never let anything bad happen to him.

 

“Wanna talk about it?” he murmured against the nape of his neck. Dean was so close, Cas could almost feel his lips on his skin. 

 

The thought made his heart skip a beat. "The music helped me fall asleep, but it also startled me awake and I didn't know where I was. I was confused. I thought I was back... with him."

 

“Why? Was it a song he liked?”

 

Cas shook his head, his neck coming into contact with Dean's lips for a moment. "He was a demon. You need to have a soul to enjoy music. He hated music and I wasn't allowed to listen to it. I think the sudden change of volume woke me up. I was afraid he had heard it."

 

“Shit, Cas. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have suggested you try sleeping to music. I’m sorry.” He pulled Cas a little closer. 

 

Cas turned around in Dean's embrace to look at him. "Dean, I like music very much and you do, too. Hearing how passionate you are about it reminds me everyday that I'm finally free of him. I won't let him take music away from me." Cas reached up to cup Dean's cheek, rubbing his thumb over it before he added, "He didn't even like the Impala."

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up in clear surprise. “Man, the more you tell me, the less and less he sounds like me. Kinda sucks I look exactly like him. Maybe you wouldn’t forget as much if I had a different face.”

 

Cas gave him a soft smile. "I like your face though."

 

Dean chuckled. “Same here.” He gently pushed Cas’s hair from his forehead and cupped his cheek. “Can I ask something that might upset you?”

 

Cas took in a deep breath before he nodded, his body suddenly tense again.

 

“Not that I’m complaining, because I’m  _ not,  _ but… why are there no scars on your face? He didn’t sound like the type who had restraint.” 

 

Cas looked down at Dean's chest before he shook his head. "I don't know. Sometimes when he was angry he slapped me, but every time that happened, he left me alone for a while. Especially when it left bruises. He didn't want to look at me when I had bruises on my face, I guess. He liked them everywhere else on my body, so I don't know why my face was the exception."

 

Dean furrowed his brow. “I’ve never liked seeing you with bruises on your face. Maybe it was the only part of me that stayed.”

 

He couldn't stop the tear from falling when Dean's words hit his heart. "I always wondered how much of you was still in him. I still had hope that there was something I could reach, so he would come back to me."

 

“Oh, Cas,” he murmured as he wiped the tear away with the pad of his thumb, “I promise, if he could have come back to you, he would have.”

 

Cas gave him a quick, broken smile. "The other Dean, the one that killed the demon, told me the exact same thing." Cas leaned into Dean's hand. "And I know that... it was just... I couldn't let go of you."

 

Dean smiled and said, “Now you don’t have to.”

 

Cas looked up into Dean's eyes when his heart skipped a few beats. He didn't need to let go because Dean was here with him, holding him in his arms. Something shifted in his heart and he felt lighter, like he could breathe more easily, like a tension he didn’t know he had was flowing out of his body. "Dean," he whispered before he slid closer, his thumb sliding across Dean's cheekbones down to Dean's lips, barely grazing them, but inspiring an urge to lean in closer and feel the softness on his lips.

 

Although he wanted nothing more, he was frozen in place. He was paralyzed. His gaze drifted to Dean's lips and up to his eyes again. His breathing hitched with the thought of kissing him, but he couldn't move. So he used his words to let him know. "Dean, I... I want to kiss you."

 

The way Dean’s expression lit up was even more breathtaking. “I won’t stop you.”

 

Cas swallowed dryly before he licked over his own lips, his heart beating like a nervous butterfly. "Don't move, okay?" he whispered.

 

“I won’t,” he assured, making it a point to stay perfectly still.

 

Cas slowly slid closer, his heart felt like it was about to jump from his chest and it reminded him of that weird cartoon case they once had. The moment when Dean had called him and Cas flew right in front of him, his phone still in hand, telling Dean he could hang up. The way Dean had stared at him, how he had licked over his lips and how much Cas had wanted to close the space between them and kiss those lips.

 

Now he finally had the chance. He closed his eyes, remembering all those moments from the past where they had been close like this. When Cas had wished he could kiss Dean. 

 

And then his lips brushed over Dean's and he stopped thinking. He just felt. He leaned in closer, succumbing to an insistent merging. His lips covered Dean's completely as he tenderly kissed him and Dean responded with equally soft movement. 

 

Nothing about this reminded him of the kisses he had with the demon. This now... it was a soft give and take, it was a dialogue of emotions, of warmth. Not the violent way the demon just took everything from Cas. This was Dean giving back.

 

He didn't deepen the kiss because it started to overwhelm him. He just pulled back with a soft smile that grew wider, happier when he looked a Dean.  

 

“Wow,” Dean breathed out, eyes raking over Cas’s face in awe.

 

Cas chuckled lowly. "That's an accurate description." He looked away, feeling shy all of the sudden. "Thank you."

 

Dean gently caressed the side of his face. “For what?”

 

"For letting me kiss you." Cas leaned into Dean's hand, closing his eyes. "For being so patient with me."

 

“You’re worth it and I like kissing you. I like  _ you,  _ Cas.” Dean smiled and nodded as he continued, “And I’m not telling you to put pressure on you, or any of that crap. Like I said, your call, your speed. But… I could see this going all the way between us, and not because you remind me of my Cas, or any of that shit. Because of you.”

 

Cas got lost in the warmth and sincerity of Dean's eyes. He still couldn't believe this was really happening. He gave Dean a sad smile. "I kind of expect to wake up at any moment because this is too good to be true." He leaned into Dean's hand again, letting himself feel him. "Can I kiss you again?"

 

“Never have to ask, ba –” Dean stopped himself and smiled. “Cas. You never have to ask.”

 

Cas tilted his head, wondering what Dean had wanted to say before he stopped himself. He gave Dean a soft, grateful smile. "I would like to try something. Can you please not move again?"

 

“You got it,” he said with a smile.

 

This time it was much easier to lean forward. Because this time he knew it would feel amazing and nothing bad would happen to him when he let himself feel happy for once.

 

He captured Dean's lips in a soft kiss, holding his face in both hands to control the kiss as much as possible before he carefully licked over Dean's lip, just to get a taste.

 

Dean gasped and left his lips parted, silently urging Cas further with a slight tilt of his head.

 

His heart was beating against his throat as the adrenaline rushed through his body. Fight or Flight. He was afraid of taking the next step. He was afraid it would overwhelm him and he would lose control. But Dean held perfectly still under his hands and he wanted to trust him. 

 

He hesitated for a long moment before slowly slipping his tongue into Dean's mouth, trying to find his. The tip of his tongue slid over Dean's, taking in his taste, something minty but also something distinctly Dean. 

 

Dean groaned appreciatively and carefully circled Cas’s tongue with his own, gently moving closer to Cas, as though he were trying to become a part of him.

 

Cas reflexively pushed him back when it suddenly became too much. He was breathing hard as he looked at Dean. "Sorry, don't take this the wrong way. It felt incredible, but I needed to stop."

 

He nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. “Your speed, Cas. I promise, if and when you need to stop, we stop. Okay?”

 

And he knew Dean meant it. If there had been any doubt left, it was certainly gone now. He could trust Dean. 

 

He didn't mean to yawn in Dean's face, but he couldn't stop it from happening before he quickly held his hand in front of his mouth and gave Dean a shy look. "Sorry, I guess the tiredness caught up to me now that I..." He smiled at Dean. "Now that I feel so safe."

 

Dean’s smile somehow brightened. “Do you want me to stay the rest of the night?”

 

Cas gave him a surprised look. "You would stay with me?"

 

“If you want me to, I’d like to,” he said in an almost earnest and shy tone. Dean continued to surprise him.

 

"I want you to, yes." 

 

Cas chuckled when he noticed how excited Dean sounded. He wrapped his arm around Dean to slide closer to his body and took in a deep breath to relax. After a moment, a question irked him enough to look up at Dean. "Earlier, when you told me I could kiss you without asking... you were about to say something, but you stopped. Do you remember?"

 

Dean ducked his gaze, suddenly appearing hesitant. “I, uh… I was about to call you ‘baby’. I’m sorry.”

 

Cas had to smile at that. "You wanted to call me the same name as your car?"

 

“Well, uh… I mean… It’s a pet name and…” Dean shrugged. “Did he not call you that?”

 

Cas shook his head, a familiar sadness coursing through his heart. "He sometimes called me sunshine though. Because I once was stupid enough to tell him that was my favorite."

 

Dean nodded and gently caressed the side of his face. “I’m sorry he ruined so much for you.”

 

"Sam told me I should fight for the things he ruined for me. For the things that once made me happy. That he would lose his power over me if I get those things back." Cas turned his face against Dean's hand and kissed his palm.

 

“I’ll help in any way I can. If you need me to say certain things to try and gauge it, I can?” he offered with a small smile.

 

“Thank you, Dean. I’ll come back to that. I wouldn’t mind getting my… sunshine back. I really liked that one. It always made me think that I was something positive.”

 

Dean smiled and nodded. “You are. You always have been.”

 

Cas mirrored Dean's smile. He had probably smiled more in the last few days than in his whole life. He rested his head on Dean’s shoulder after he pushed him gently on his back. Cas could feel Dean's heartbeat under his palm from where his hand was braced against Dean’s chest. “I never dared to imagine we could be together like this.”

 

Dean’s chest moved with a sigh of contentment as his arm came around Cas, holding him before he felt the man’s lips at his temple. “I’ll be honest, it’s a little surreal.”

 

“For the longest time, I thought you only saw me as a brother. When did that change?” Cas asked quietly, his eyes starting to droop. This new position was incredibly cozy.

 

“With my Cas? Or with you specifically?”

 

“Both… I guess,” Cas replied softly, feeling rather curious about the other Cas because their timeline seemed to be the exact same up until one point.

 

Dean sighed and ducked his gaze, clearly hesitant, but he still answered him, “It was after I was cured of being a demon. I still had the Mark, and it was… It was rough, but Cas refused to give up on me, even after I beat the fuck out of him. And I was going to kill him, I had his angel blade in hand, poised over him, bloody and beaten, his tie in my hand and Cas grabs my arm and begs me not to. And I couldn’t. Even with the mark clouding everything, he broke through. Cas managed to bring me back. So, that’s when I realized that maybe what I felt for him was a little more… more than just friendship, or brotherly affection.”

 

That was after their timelines diverged. Which probably meant the demon hadn’t only lied to him about his feelings, but also that his Dean had never felt more for him than brotherly affection. Which made sense, because otherwise he might have managed to bring his Dean back as well.

 

Cas pressed closer to Dean when sadness threatened to overwhelm him. His voice was even quieter than before. “I never did anything heroic for you. Why would you want me?”

 

“Are you kiddin’ me? Besides saving our asses on cases, overcoming a fuck ton of bullshit trauma, and still managing to have the outlook you do? The hope you have? Bullshit you aren’t a hero. And why would I want you? Because, somehow, through all of this, you look at me like I fucking invented the world. You make me feel like I can do anything, be anything, so I’m going to be whatever you need me to be, because it’s the least you deserve.” Dean gave him a pointed look and pulled Cas’s hand to his lips to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles. “You make me want to be a better person.”

 

He wanted to believe Dean so badly, but there was still so much doubt in his heart. The demon’s voice prominent in his mind, calling him pathetic. He swallowed and looked up at Dean, his voice shaking as he asked, “How do you know what you're feeling isn't just leftover from your feelings for him? What if you realize that I’m not like him? I wasn’t the one…” A tear fell from his eyes. “Worth coming back for, but yours was.”

 

Dean moved slightly to turn and face Cas more fully. “Stop letting him cloud what you feel. Do  _ you _ think I’m being fake, that I’m confusing you with my Cas?”

 

"I don't know," Cas admitted quietly. "I'm just so tired, I can't even think anymore."

 

Dean gave him a small smile. “It’s okay if you do. But I’m telling you, while you have a lot of the traits that I loved about my Cas, it’s the little things that are only yours that made me realize I have feelings for you. The way you smile at me over your coffee cup in the mornings, the way your hand twitches when you want to hold mine, how damn dirty you get from working in the garden, your hair standing up in every direction after you’ve gone on a run with Sammy. And if, by some miracle, my Cas came back right now, it’s you I’d want to spend my life with. Okay?”

 

Cas frowned at Dean before he nodded. "Oh, I see. I should have known that I'm already asleep and dreaming. That makes a lot more sense."

 

“What?” Dean shook his head and furrowed his brow. “No you’re not, Cas.”

 

Cas felt confused because this couldn't be real. There was no way Dean would choose him. It just didn't make any sense to him. But he looked real. He felt real.

 

Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean's lips softly. If this was a dream, he could do whatever he wanted. A streak of defiance made him lick into Dean’s mouth, tasting him. Dean tasted real.

 

He leaned back again with a frown before he stated more to himself, “This is real.”

 

“I told you. And I can tell you again in an accent if you’d prefer,” he said with a smile.

 

Cas couldn't help but smile at that before he shook his head. "I think I need a few days to get used to this. To everything."

 

Dean gently caressed the side of his face and nodded. “Take all the time you need. And if it’s too much, too fast, I’ll be okay with that, too. Like I said: your call, your speed.”

 

"Thank you, Dean." He gave him another tired smile before he rested his head on Dean's chest. His gaze fell on the clock, the digital numbers glowing in red, showing him it was four in the morning. "It's the fourth of July."

 

“Happy Fourth, Cas,” Dean murmured against the crown of his head before pressing a kiss there.

 

Cas closed his eyes with a smile. "Happy Fourth to you, too."

 

He could hear Dean's heartbeat from where his head was resting against Dean's chest. It guided him to the first restful sleep in his life.

 

**.... :::: :::: ….**

 

Dean had woken up that morning in one of the best moods he’d been in in years. And he was entirely certain it had to do with the fact he woke up with Cas still cuddled up against him, softly snoring and a little bit of drool pooled on his chest where Cas’s face was pressed. He’d spent a good ten minutes staring down at his beautiful face, gently carding his hand through Cas’s hair.

 

And thankfully, Cas woke up and smiled at Dean, as opposed to panicking for accidentally falling asleep. Which was a step in the right direction. Dean was more and more impressed with the resilience of his friend. The way he continued to get stronger, more determined, it was damn impressive.

 

The rest of the day had been spent in a lazy haze until they started getting things ready for their Fourth of July celebration. Dean started getting all of the food ready while Cas and Sammy were outside, probably setting up an area to set off the fireworks and whatever else they’d need. Maybe some chairs to watch them. A bucket of water. That crap.

 

They hadn’t talked about the previous night. Any of it. And Dean would be patient. It was a lot of information to process in a short period of time, from the fact that Cas had initiated their first truly intimate moment. A kiss, if Dean was perfectly honest, that blew his damn mind, and they barely used tongue. He was looking forward to more of that, but again, Dean would be patient because Cas was worth the wait.

 

While he was a little worried that Cas may freak out at some point, he believed the angel was getting better at coming back from those moments and Dean would do everything he could to help him through it. 

 

So, that’s how Dean found himself in their kitchen, Kiss the Cook apron donned, and all of Sam’s stupid ass vegetables cut and lined up for the makeshift grill he turned their stove into. One of his favorite mixtapes of random mellow music from the 70’s blaring through the speakers of the small boombox, Dean got into prepping the burgers. He grabbed an egg, the spices he liked, some fresh garlic, onion, and some worcestershire sauce for the ground beef, kneading and mixing everything in with the meat and making patties while the Bee Gees filled the space around him.

 

Dean couldn’t stop the way his hips started shaking. Say whatever you want about the Bee Gees, but their music was too upbeat to not dance to. When Robin Gibb hit the high note in Night Fever, he spun around before slamming one of the patties on the plate.

 

His hunter instincts told him he wasn't alone anymore and when he looked up, he saw Cas leaning against the doorway, watching him with a soft smile. When their eyes met, the smile grew. "Hello, Dean."

 

Dean ducked his gaze, feeling the heat rising to his cheeks at being caught. “How long you been standing there?”

 

Cas gave him a shy smile before he admitted, "Ten minutes, maybe more."

 

“Damnit,” he murmured under his breath. “Alright, lemme have it. How much are you trying to not laugh at me right now?”

 

Cas tilted his head. "Why would I laugh at you? I enjoyed seeing you happy like that. It makes me happy, too."

 

Dean smiled and shook his head. “You guys done setting everything up?”

 

Cas nodded and walked closer to Dean, for a moment it looked like he wanted to hug him, but then he hesitated and stopped at the table. "Yes, Sam explained everything about safety and fireworks to me and promised I would never forget how beautiful it is going to look later." He fidgeted with his hands before he asked, "Do you need my help?"

 

“Yeah, actually, could you grab the olive oil from the pantry?” Dean asked as he continued to mold the ground beef into hamburger patties. 

 

"Of course," Cas answered before he left the kitchen in a hurry. When he came back, Dean could feel him standing right behind him, his breath on Dean's neck before he sidestepped next to him and put the bottle of olive oil on the counter for him.

 

Dean craned his neck to look at him. He looked really good. Cas was wearing a pair of shorts and one of Dean’s t-shirts. He looked relaxed and weirdly innocent. “I like you in my shirts.”

 

Cas looked down at himself before he turned to Dean again with surprised look. "Why is that?"

 

“Makes it seem more… I dunno… domestic, I guess? Sharing clothes.”

 

Cas looked thoughtful for a moment. "Sharing. Does that mean you want to wear my coat or my tie?"

 

Dean barked out a laugh and shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. But if I wanted to, would you let me?”

 

"Of course." Cas smiled shyly at him. "And you look very handsome in a tie." Cas's finger rubbed over the kitchen counter, his gaze wandering to Dean's lips while he chewed on his own.

 

Dean nodded at him to come closer. “C’mere.”

 

Cas gave him a hesitant look, but he stepped closer anyway. He noticed that his breathing hitched and that he couldn't hold his gaze. "I'm trying to acclimate myself to being close to you in the kitchen," he explained after a moment.

 

“Wanna replace bad memories with good ones?” Dean asked as he finished the last patty and went to the sink to wash his hands.

 

Cas nodded slowly. "Yes, but I also don't want to be afraid anymore. It was okay to kiss you in my bed. I want it to be okay in every room."

 

Dean nodded his understanding and stepped over to the boom box as Don McLean’s version of Crying started and turned it up. He then took off his apron and approached Cas, holding out his hands for Cas to take. “I can help.”

 

Cas took them hesitantly, looking thoroughly confused, but he let himself get dragged close to Dean. “What are you doing?” he asked breathlessly.

 

Dean positioned Cas’s hands, bracing Cas’s right hand on his hip as Dean placed his own on Cas’s shoulder, gently turning Cas’s other hand in his as he started swaying.  _ “We’re _ dancing.”

 

He could feel Cas slowly start to relax under his palms, swaying with him of his own accord. Cas looked up from his feet and surprised blue eyes met his, causing the tension and pull between them to rise indefinitely. "This is nice," Cas murmured.

 

“It is,” he returned as he drew a little closer. Dean couldn’t take his eyes off of Cas.

 

Cas leaned forward after a moment, nudging his nose against Dean's cheek before he softly kissed the corner of Dean's mouth. He was breathing fast, obviously excited before his hand wandered up to Dean's cheek, cupping it and holding him in place. Which was followed by a soft brush of his lips against Dean's waiting ones. A quiet gasp escaped Cas's lips before he licked into Dean's mouth again.

 

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s neck as he gently reciprocated the kiss. He couldn’t help but sigh into the kiss, and even if Cas got overwhelmed and had to end it, Dean couldn’t imagine a more perfect moment.

 

The moment Cas started to push against his shoulders was also the moment Sam came into the kitchen. "What the… Dean! What the fuck are you doing?"

 

Cas startled so much that he flinched away from Dean, staring at Sam in shock before he looked back at Dean in confusion. Sam was next to Cas in an instant, wrapping an arm around him. “Are you okay, Cas?”

 

Dean took a step back and tried to keep his voice steady as he said, “Sam, it’s not what you think.”

 

He could see that Cas wanted to say something, but Sam interrupted him, "Isn't it? Because to me, it looked like you were kissing him and he was pushing you away!"

 

“I… I know what it looks like, but…” Dean looked at Cas, feeling guilty. Had Cas been pushing him away? Was Dean so immersed in the kiss he didn’t realize the angel was freaking out? “Cas? Did… I didn’t mean to force you into anything.”

 

Cas sighed and shook his head. "You didn't." He looked up at Sam with a soft smile. "I'm okay, Sam. Dean was right. It wasn't what it looked like. I initiated the kiss and I knew if it got to be too much, I just needed to show him and he would let me go. I trust Dean."

 

“You kissed him?” Sam asked slowly, still looking worried. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean… isn’t it too soon?”

 

Cas looked at Dean with a smile before he turned to Sam again. "Maybe it is. But I want this. I'm fighting for this. Just like you told me to."

 

Sam took in a deep breath. He still didn't look on board with everything. "Just promise me you’ll be careful. You’ve made so much progress, don't jeopardize it." He turned to Dean as he said the last sentence, giving him a pointed look.

 

“You got something to say to me, just say it, Sammy.”

 

Sam cleared his throat before he looked at Cas. “Would you give us a moment?”

 

Cas looked hesitant, but he nodded and left the kitchen without another word. Sam waited a few more moments before he turned to Dean again. “What’s going on between the two of you?”

 

Dean crossed his arms over his chest. “You wanna be a little less defensive? And overprotective for that matter? He kissed me, I kissed him back. It’s what you do.”

 

"And then what? You two start a relationship? He was raped and abused by a demon version of you for two years! You weren't there to see all the nightmares and flashbacks, when it sometimes got so bad he just wanted to die. So excuse me for being a little overprotective when I see you trying to play house with him!"

 

Unable to stop himself, he decked his brother, shaking out his hand from the pain of his knuckles colliding with Sam’s jaw. “Don’t you fucking  _ dare  _ pull this high horse bullshit with me ‘cause you’re jealous that Cas suddenly isn’t going to you for comfort right now. You know damn well I know what he’s been through, the fucking pain and trauma and the fact that I was inadvertently causing some of those flashbacks,” he spat as he opened the fridge and grabbed a bag of frozen peas before he tossed them to Sam to put on his face. 

 

Sam threw them right back, glaring at him. "I'm not jealous of you and Cas. I'm worried for fuck’s sake. I'm worried about what this will do to the  _ both  _ of you. I don't want either of you to get hurt."

 

Dean turned the bag over in his hand and approached his brother, holding it out for him to take. “Don’t be a fucking child. Put ‘em on your face.”

 

Sam finally did take the bag of peas and put it against his face, wincing a little. His voice sounded calmer when he asked, "I know you, Dean. You like sex and I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt him, but what if he feels pressured into something he’s not ready for and you don't see it? What if you hurt him without meaning to?"

 

Dean scoffed. “That’s what you think of me, huh? That I’m all about sex and I’d coerce a rape victim into fucking me?”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. "That's not what I said, Dean. You know Cas. He’s pretty good at hiding something if he doesn't want you to know. If he ever wants to try going further with you, you need to make sure he’s really ready and is doing it for the right reasons."

 

“You must really think I’m a fucking asshole if you don’t believe, for even a second, that that isn’t  _ exactly  _ what I’m doing. Every kiss we’ve shared he started it.” At his brother’s eyebrows shooting up in surprise Dean nodded. “Yeah.  _ Every  _ kiss. What you walked in on wasn’t the first time we kissed, and it sure as Hell won’t be the last as long as he wants it. I’ve never pushed him, I’ve never goaded him, and I always wait for him to initiate all contact. And when he pushes me away because it’s too much, I step back and tell him it’s fine. ‘Cause it is.”

 

Dean shook his head and moved towards the door of the kitchen. “Cas trusts me, Cas knows I’m not gonna push him, or his boundaries. Sure fuckin’ wish my brother did, too.”

 

Sam made a frustrated noise, putting down the bag of peas before he shook his head. "You just  _ want  _ to misunderstand me, right? I told you that I know you would never intentionally hurt him. I'm just worried, don't you get it? There’s so much potential of this going wrong."

 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Dean cried, taking a deep breath to even out his tone before he spoke again. “You’re making me out to be some fucking neanderthal who is only capable of thinking with his dick, to such an extent I might not see when the guy I’m interested in is having issues with our intimacy. You come in here yelling, of all fucking things, when you see us kissing. Yeah, you might not have my voice, but you remember how many fucking times he was yelled at in this room, right?”

 

At that, Sam visibly paled and took a few steps back, his gaze suddenly not on Dean anymore, but directed at something behind him. When Dean turned around, he saw Cas standing in the doorway. He looked tense.

 

"Fuck," Sam murmured as he walked up to Cas to wrap him in his arms. "I'm sorry, Cas. I didn't want to yell at you."

 

Cas wrapped his arms around him and patted his shoulder before he leaned back with a frown. "It's okay. I know you're just worried."

 

“You okay, baby?” Dean asked as he looked him over, hoping he wasn’t on the verge of a flashback considering Dean had just yelled at Sam.

 

Cas gave him a fleeting look, before he shook his head. "Um, no. I think I just need some air. Would you come out with me?"

 

“Yeah,” he said with a nod, biting his tongue to stop himself from asking sarcastic permission from Sam if that would be okay with him. Dean followed Cas out of the kitchen and up the stairs, careful to not touch him, giving him the space and time he needed.

 

It was still very warm outside even though the sun was already starting to set. Cicadas were chirping as he followed Cas to his garden. He finally turned around before he stepped closer to Dean. “Can you say something in your funny accent?”

 

“I’m sorry if I scared you,” Dean said in an Australian accent, still unable to mask the concern in his voice.

 

Cas stepped closer and cupped his cheek. "I'm sorry I was the reason for a fight between you and your brother. It's a family day. I don't want you to be mad at each other."

 

Dean sighed and gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s not your fault. Like you said, he’s worried about you, and I didn’t like the way he came at me over it. That’ll happen sometimes, me and Sammy fighting. I don’t think you can be brothers without a fight here and there.”

 

Cas nodded and slid a little closer. "There is another hunter... Eileen. Sammy spoke very fondly of her. Maybe we should invite her over, so Sam has... other things to worry about." 

 

Dean’s smile grew even wider. “That’s actually a really good idea.” He chuckled and gently pushed Cas’s crazy hair out of his face. “I’ll shoot her a text. See if she’s close by enough to join us tonight.”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment, his lower lip was trapped between his teeth before he nodded and looked at Dean again. "Can we try something?"

 

“Sure,” Dean said, giving him another reassuring smile. “Want me to keep still again?”

 

Cas shook his head. "I want you to kiss me."

 

“You sure?” he asked, but he slowly started closing the distance between them, carefully cupping Cas’s face. 

 

Cas nodded. "I trust you."

 

Dean couldn’t help but smile. “If Sammy interrupts again, I swear,” he murmured before he gently pressed forward, catching Cas’s lips in a tender kiss. He figured going slow would be safest, so Dean kept it simple, their lips slotting together in almost perfect symmetry. He was pretty sure he’d never get sick of kissing Cas.

 

Cas gasped and licked over his lips, silently begging for more as his fingers tangled into Dean's hair to pull him closer. Taking that as his permission, Dean tentatively tapped his tongue against Cas’s bottom lip, silently asking if he could deepen the kiss.  Cas parted his lips in invitation, moaning as he pressed against him for more.

 

That was all the invitation he needed before he delved in, getting lost in sensation as his tongue playfully circled Cas’s. It was everything he’d ever hoped it could be, finally taking this step. Dean was never closer to Heaven than when he was in the embrace of someone he cared for. It just made it particularly poignant that said someone happened to be an angel of the lord.

 

It went on far longer than usual before Cas pulled back, breathing hard. He didn't look at Dean when he did, but looked down at his own body in surprise. "Oh... that’s never happened before."

 

“What?” Dean asked, trying to catch his own breath.

 

Cas gave him a shy smile. "My body enjoyed it as much as I did."

 

Dean chuckled and looked down between them, taking note of the impressive tenting of his shorts. “Good to know,” he murmured before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. “I could kiss you for hours.”

 

Cas chuckled, it sounded light and happy, before he pressed forward for another chaste kiss. "I think we should do that. Tonight. In my bed. Just kiss for hours. It gets better every time."

 

“I’m game if you are,” Dean said as he pressed another kiss to his lips.

 

Cas smiled at him, going in for another quick kiss. "It's hard to stop, Dean."

 

Dean smiled and reluctantly took a step back. “Alright, here’s the plan: I’m going to text Eileen and get started on cooking. Maybe you should go talk to Sammy? Make sure he’s not contemplating putting spiders in my bed as payback.”

 

Cas chuckled and nodded. It was nice to see him smile. “I could protect you from the spiders, but I’ll try to talk him out of any plans of retaliation.”

 

“I appreciate it.” And because he could, he leaned in and kissed Cas again, this time for a little longer. 

 

Cas immediately leaned into him, opening his mouth for a much more heated kiss. He gasped against Dean’s lips before he reluctantly pulled back. “It feels so good.”

 

Dean nodded. “It really does, but we both have things to do. Maybe later, while we’re watching the fireworks, we can make out a little then, okay?”

 

“Make out?" Cas asked with a curious head tilt.

 

“Yeah, what we were just doing? It’s called making out.”

 

“I thought it was called ‘kissing’?” Cas looked confused, rifling his fingers through his hair, messing it up even more.

 

Dean chuckled and cupped his cheek. “Damn, you’re cute.”

 

Cas smiled brightly at him, his cheeks now a reddish hue. “I… I’ll go to Sam now before I can’t leave anymore. I’m looking forward to tonight, Dean.” He smiled at him one more time before he adjusted his pants with a frown and went back towards the bunker. 

 

“Hey, Cas?”

 

He turned around with a questioning look, a smile still playing around his lips. “Yes, Dean?”

 

Dean smirked at him and winked. “Think of Sammy naked. Should fix your problem.”

 

Cas frowned deeply before he raised his eyebrows and gave Dean a surprised look. "Oh... Thank you, Dean."

 

“Anytime, Cas.”

 

**.... :::: :::: ….**

 

Surprising Sam by inviting Eileen over to join their celebration had changed the atmosphere between all of them. Sam was much more relaxed, smiling a lot and seemed to be completely gone every time he looked at her. Cas was happy he had thought of inviting her. It was nice to see Sam so happy. 

 

They were having their dinner outside on a huge blanket, torches illuminating their 'picnic at night'. The food was delicious and Dean was sitting so close to him that he could feel his warmth. He couldn't stop looking at him, the flickering light of the torches danced over his beautiful face, highlighting every freckle and making his eyes sparkle.

 

He felt relaxed and happy. A little tired, but more because he felt sated and content in that moment than because of exhaustion. It was perfection. 

 

Cas stole a tomato that escaped Dean’s burger from his plate with a playful grin, leaning against his shoulder as he looked up at the stars.

 

“ I bet you’ll love the fireworks, Cas," Sam said excitedly, probably for the eleventh time that night. Except this time, he couldn’t stop looking at Eileen when he said it.

 

“When are we going to do it?” Cas asked, trading another soft smile with Dean.

 

“When you’ve all finished eating?” Sam turned to Dean with a questioning look.

 

Dean looked down at Cas and smiled. “I think Sammy’s more excited than you are,” he whispered conspiratorially.

 

Sam threw a peanut at Dean's face. "I heard that."

 

Cas chuckled, prompting Eileen and him to trade equally amused looks before she signed to him.  _ They are cute. _

 

Cas nodded with a bright smile before he leaned against Dean again. "I can't wait to see it now though."

 

“Alright,” Dean said as he dusted the crumbs off of his shirt. “Who’s gonna help me?”

 

Sam was on his feet in the blink of an eye, excitedly rubbing his hands together. “You two just sit back and enjoy the show.”

 

Dean chuckled and pressed a kiss to Cas’s cheek as he got up and met his brother in front of all of the fireworks.

 

Eileen smiled at the sight and moved to sit next to Cas.  _ It’s nice to finally meet you. They talk about you all the time. _

 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck with a smile before he replied,  _ It's nice to meet you, too. Sam spoke very fondly of you. He is very happy that you are here. _

 

Despite the dim light, the blush that crept up on her cheeks was noticeable.  _ I’m happy to be here. It was pure luck I was in the area. If Dean had texted two hours later, I would have been in another state. _

 

_ I'm glad fate intervened.  _ Cas signed back before he added after a thoughtful moment.  _ It’s nice to spend days like this with loved ones. _

 

_ It’s nice to be considered a loved one,  _ Eileen signed and smiled.

 

_ He is shy around you, isn't he? _ Cas asked with a smile. _ He usually isn't. I guess that means you are very special to him. _

 

Eileen giggled.  _ You’re one to talk. _

 

Cas raised an eyebrow before he signed, _ What do you mean? _

 

_ Dean has hearts in his eyes. He never struck me as the type. _

 

_ It was… is a surprise for me as well.  _ Cas looked over to Dean, who gave him a quick wink and a smile that made his heart beat faster. He looked at Eileen again and signed,  _ It’s still very new. _

 

Eileen nodded and waved back at Sam, who was presently paying more attention to her than the fireworks, prompting Dean into smacking him upside the head. Eileen giggled again and shook her head.  _ I like seeing them act like children. It suits them. _

 

Cas couldn't agree more. Both of them had been through a lot and, more than anything, they deserved to be happy.  _ How long will you stay?  _

 

_ Probably until the morning. I was looking into a case, but I can’t say no to free food and a show.  _ Eileen sighed and shrugged. “I’m always on the move,” she said out loud.

 

Cas looked at her so she could read his lips. "It would be nice if you stay longer."

 

“If he asks, I’ll think about it.”

 

Cas hoped Sam would. Maybe the chances would be higher if both of them spent more uninterrupted time together. 

 

"Okay, guys. We're ready. Relax and be amazed," Sam announced with an excited glee in his tone of voice.

 

Dean rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face was a clear indication that he was anything but annoyed. He held up his lighter and lit a few of the fireworks, jumping back before they went off. 

 

There was a hiss and a loud whining noise as the rockets shot in the air and exploded in the night sky in flashes of green and blue, crackling sparkles. The air smelled sweet and a light fog started to rise. More rockets shot into the sky, trying to outshine the stars with golden and red lights. It was beautiful.

 

Cas couldn't stop staring, he didn't even notice Dean coming closer to him as he sat down next to him. "It's beautiful, Dean," Cas whispered in awe. 

 

“Yeah,” he murmured as he gently gripped Cas’s chin to turn his face toward him. Dean pressed a kiss to his lips and smiled. “Happy Fourth.”

 

Cas's heart skipped a beat when he got lost in Dean's beautiful smile and the way the colorful fireworks illuminated his face. He leaned forward for another tender kiss, whispering, "Happy Fourth. Thank you for celebrating with me."

 

Dean laughed softly and gently caressed Cas’s cheek, a tender back and forth motion by the side of his thumb. “You remember how Heaven works for humans, right?”

 

"Of course," Cas replied, leaning into Dean's hand.

 

“This just replaced my best memory.”

 

Cas had no idea what to say to that. It made him incredibly happy, but at the same time he felt undeserving of this moment. There was a voice inside of his head that told him he didn't belong here.  _ This isn't your spot of happiness, it belongs to someone else.  _ But there was this other part that was just grateful to be a part of Dean's happiness. That was what was most important to him. "Dean... Would you mind walking with me for a while?"

 

“Sure, but I thought you wanted to watch the fireworks?” Dean asked with a slightly confused smile.

 

Cas got up from the ground and took Dean's hand in his. "We can still see it from a few feet away." He nodded towards Eileen who had joined Sam, helping him with the fireworks. "I just want to give those two some space."

 

Dean smiled and nodded as he got up and followed Cas. “Good idea. Dude needs to make a move. She’s giving him all the signs.”

 

“She wants to stay longer if he asks her, so I hope he will. Look how happy he is." Cas rubbed his thumb over Dean's hand and smiled at him before he went over to the treeline, sitting down with Dean on the trunk of a fallen maple tree.

 

“I could give him a head’s up,” Dean suggested as he moved to sit on the ground in front of Cas, turning his body slightly to brace his elbows on Cas’s knees.

 

"You would need to make it so she won't notice," Cas breathed out as he leaned closer to Dean. Everytime they were close together, he felt breathless and excited. His stomach felt funny and his heart was dancing to an unknown rock melody. 

 

Dean smiled and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Wanna be my partner in crime? You distract her while I tell him?”

 

Cas nodded before he slid from the trunk to his knees and pulled Dean into a soft kiss. 

 

Dean raked his hand through Cas’s hair as he deepened the kiss, letting out a soft groan of contentment. He drew back, slightly out of breath. “Damn. You’re one helluva kisser, Cas.”

 

He wasn’t aware that was something he had been worried about. That his lack of experience with kissing would have been a problem for Dean. He was relieved that this didn’t seem to be the case. “I'm glad you feel that way, Dean. I want to be good for you.”

 

“I want to be good for you, too.” Dean smiled and drew him in for a softer, gentler kiss.

 

"Dean," Cas breathed out against his lips when he felt the urge to be closer, to touch Dean, to melt into him. His hands dropped to Dean's shoulders and slid down his sides as he deepened the kiss.

 

As their mouths collided in a symmetric dance, Dean let himself fall back against the grass, pulling Cas down with him, now laying on top of Dean. Dean chuckled, but somehow never broke their kiss.

 

Cas liked their new position, giving him complete control over the situation and making him feel safe. He licked into Dean's mouth again, getting lost in the kiss as he experimentally rocked his hips against Dean.

 

Dean groaned and arched up in response, gently urging Cas to keep kissing him, if his reaction was anything to go by.

 

"Seriously, guys?" Sam shouted from a few feet away and it startled Cas into looking up and turning around to him. He had completely forgotten that they weren't alone. Sam and Eileen stood huddled together around the torch, grinning at them.

 

Cas turned to Dean and flashed him an apologetic look. "Sorry, I got carried away."

 

Dean smiled up at him with an almost dopey expression. “Don’t apologize. I liked it.”

 

Cas bit his lower lip, trying to calm his breathing and racing heart. It was hard not to rock against Dean again. "Should we go back to them or..."

 

“Or you distract Eileen, I tell Sammy what’s up, and you and I go back to your room?”

 

Cas didn't need to be told twice. He carefully untangled himself from Dean and stood up, reaching out his hand to help him up. And he didn’t stop there as he pulled Dean close. "Dean," he whispered, "I really liked what we did."

 

Dean cupped his cheek and kissed the corner of his mouth on each side before he gently pressed his lips fully against Cas’s. “Me, too.”

 

Cas smiled before he took in a deep breath and turned around to find Eileen, signing her a,  _ I wanted to show you something. _

She nodded and said something to Sam before approaching Cas.  _ What did you want to show me? _

 

Cas waved for her to follow him around the bunker. It should give Dean enough time to clue Sam in. When he reached his garden, he gestured towards it before he looked at her. "Sam helped me build a garden. He really likes fresh and healthy food."

 

Eileen chuckled and gave him a disbelieving purse of her lips. “I know what you’re doing. I read Dean’s lips when he told you.”

 

_ Oops. _ Cas looked down to the ground, before he gave her an apologetic look. "Are you angry with me?"

 

“No. I think it’s sweet you two are playing matchmaker.”

 

Cas was relieved to hear that. "He is so happy around you, or when he talks about you. It's nice to see." 

 

Eileen smiled. “I’ve never met a hunter like Sam.”

 

"He is a very kind man. Intelligent and understanding. I’m proud to be his friend." Cas gave Eileen a soft smile. “I’m very glad he met you.”

 

Eileen’s smile softened with a fond expression. “Do you think they’ve had enough time without us?”

 

“I think so. I mean, how much time does it usually take to clue someone in?” Cas asked curiously. He had never done something like this before, so he had no idea how much time it would take.

 

“Let’s go see.” She looped her arm with Cas’s and started walking back to where Sam and Dean were. 

 

Sam was smiling awkwardly, a faint blush on his cheeks. Dean was clearly trying to not laugh.

 

It was very cute to see. His attention on Sam was rather short lived because of the way Dean was looking at him. It made Cas lose his breath. He couldn’t wait to be alone with him. He walked up to Dean to take his hand in his before he looked at Sam again. “We, um… we’ll just bring the used plates back to the kitchen.”

 

Dean shoved Sam when he made a face at Cas’s comment before he grabbed some dishes. He winked at Cas as he walked by him. 

 

Cas took the empty salad bowl and quickly followed Dean into the bunker. When they walked down the stairs, he finally understood why Sam had looked at him like that. “I'm sorry. Subtlety isn't my forte.”

 

“Nothin’ to apologize for. Sam can just get over himself,” Dean said with a chuckle as he used his hips to hold the door to the kitchen open for Cas.

 

"At least they are alone now." Cas smiled at Dean, putting down the empty bowl. "And we are, too."

 

Dean smiled and dropped the dishes he was carrying into the sink. He then approached Cas again, draping his arms around Cas’s neck before pressing their foreheads together. “I wonder what we should do with our alone time?”

 

Cas couldn’t have stopped the way he tensed up if he tried, so he pulled away from Dean, his gaze wandering over the kitchen. "Not here, um… can we go to my room?"

 

“Yeah, sorry.” Dean nodded and drew away from Cas, giving him an apologetic smile.

 

"It's okay." Cas reached out to Dean and took his hand, squeezing it. He wanted to show him that he was fine, even though his body started to tremble. He couldn't stop it. Cas tried to smile though, pulling Dean outside to the hallway and towards his room.

 

When they reached his room, Dean gently halted Cas and gave him a soft, sympathetic look. “He did that to you in the kitchen, didn’t he? Hug you?”

 

Cas nodded slowly before he pulled Dean into his new room. A room with no history, no connection to his past. "A lot of times he was kind to me in the kitchen." His hand was trembling as he pulled Dean closer to his body, trying to feel his warmth, taking in the way he smelled, rich and earthy, gunpowder from the rockets outside and something that was just... Dean. 

 

“Shit, Cas.” Dean carded his hand through Cas’s hair. “I shoulda asked first.”

 

Cas closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the tender sensation of Dean's fingertips against his scalp. "It's just a bad reminder, but I didn't feel panicked anymore."

 

His body was still shaking, trying to tell a different story, but he ignored it in favor of getting closer to Dean, burying his nose against his shoulder, taking in a deep breath to calm down his rapidly beating heart.

 

“What do you need?” Dean murmured against the crown of Cas’s head as he gently started swaying.

 

Cas wasn't sure. Just that he wanted to take his mind off of things. He wanted to lose himself in the pleasure of being close to Dean; kissing him, like he had before. 

 

He stepped on his shoe to chuck it off, before he got rid of the other one. "Come to bed with me?" he whispered against Dean's lips.

 

Dean cupped his face and asked, “You sure?”

 

"Yes," Cas answered without hesitation before he added, "please."

 

“Okay,” he said as he took his shoes off and crawled onto the bed. Dean turned onto his side and smiled at Cas.

 

Cas didn't follow him immediately. He just looked at Dean, sitting on his bed. The warm light from his night stand lamp turned hard edges into soft ones. Inviting. Safe.

 

He stepped forward and reached out, letting himself get dragged onto the bed next to Dean before he pulled him in for a soft kiss. A gentle brush of lips, his hands finding their way around Dean’s body to pull him close.

 

Dean chuckled against his lips, murmuring a soft, “Cas,” before swiping the pad of his thumb over Cas’s earlobe.

 

He shivered again, his stomach felt like it was twisted into a knot. Cas rolled on top of Dean, pressing him down against the sheets before he deepened the kiss.

 

The action caused Dean to groan and buck up against him. His breathing was staggered as he succumbed to Cas, melting against him with a languid ease. 

 

Cas's hands wandered over Dean's shirt, down his sides and to the hem before he pulled back from the kiss. "Can you take off your shirt, please?"

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up, but he nodded and moved to sit up enough to take the shirt off. He tossed it to the ground and braced himself on his elbows as he looked up at Cas. “Like this?”

 

Cas couldn't help but smile as he nodded. He hesitantly reached out, letting his fingertips trail over Dean's chest, circling a few of his freckles. It was nice. But most importantly it was a first. The demon had never let Cas touch him in that way.

 

He bit his lower lip before he leaned over and trailed kisses over Dean's collarbone. When a hand softly gripped his hair, the reverberations of Dean’s groan sent a shock of electricity through him. 

 

“Cas,” he murmured.

 

Cas shook Dean's hands off his head and pinned his wrists down next to them on the bed before he sucked a mark into the skin of Dean's throat. Dean tasted incredible. A fleeting thought made him wish he could press his lips to every part of Dean’s skin.

 

“Fuck,” Dean breathed out as he arched up. 

 

He could feel Dean's erection against his own growing one. His heart ached when he tried to fight the compulsion. 

 

_ I’m hard. Get down there. _

 

He shook his head, trying to remind himself that he was here and he was in control of the situation. Cas looked up at Dean, taking in the dazed expression, the lust. How long would Cas need to stop at these moments? How long until Dean got frustrated with him, impatient, or would end this because Cas wasn’t worth the wait?

 

He didn’t want to lose Dean and he needed to show him that he was better. So he leaned forward again and let his kisses trail down Dean’s chest to his stomach.

 

Dean’s breathing hitched as he let out a soft hiss of appreciation.

 

Cas's palms stroked over Dean's sides before they teased Dean's skin along the hem of his jeans, his tongue circling his navel. His fingers started to shake again when he brought them to Dean's jeans, opening the button.

 

“Whoa, whoa, Cas. What’re you doing?” Dean asked, bracing his hand gently over Cas’s to stop him.

 

Cas flinched slightly as he pulled back. "I'm sorry. I thought you... you wanted this. You're hard." Cas slid his fingertips over Dean's cloth covered erection.

 

Dean groaned as he closed his eyes before he sat up more and shook his head. “I mean, I do, I am, but… Shit, Cas. I don’t know how much  _ you  _ actually want this.”

 

"I'm good with my mouth. I can make you happy. And that’s all I want. For you to be happy," Cas tried to explain.

 

Dean gave him a half smile. “I don’t doubt any of that, but you can also make me happy up here,” he said as he tapped his lips. “There’s no expiration date, Cas. I’m not gonna stop wanting to be with you if you don’t sleep with me.”

 

Cas bit his lip, a weird pull on his heart almost made him gasp. "You deserve someone who can give you everything. I don't know if I can if you don't let me do this."

 

“And I’m telling you it’s okay if you can’t. I’d rather you do it only if you want it. If you’re forcing yourself because you know I want it, then I won’t enjoy myself.” Dean gave him a reassuring smile. 

 

Cas looked away for a moment, trying to sort through all of his conflicting thoughts. "Sometimes... I don't know what I really want."

 

Dean sat up and gently grasped his chin to turn his gaze back to him. “Then we wait until you do know. Okay?”

 

Cas gave Dean a pained look. He knew he sounded frustrated, but he couldn't help it. "I don't want to wait." 

 

“Why?” Dean asked, expression open and curious.

 

Cas leaned forward to draw Dean into another soft kiss before he whispered, "Because I liked feeling you close, I like kissing you and I want more. I don't want to be afraid. I want to finally start being with you."

 

Dean smiled and nodded. “Then maybe we can try something different.”

 

Cas kissed him again before he looked at him. "What do you have in mind?"

 

“Can you lie down?” Dean asked as he pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, trailing down to his neck.

 

Cas nodded hesitantly before he laid down on the bed. He felt tense though, because Dean hadn't answered his question. "I don't want to undress, Dean," he admitted quietly. His body was still covered in cuts and bruises. "If that's okay with you."

 

Dean nodded. “Your speed.” As he slid to Cas’s side, he pressed another kiss to his cheek and murmured, “Put your hand on mine.” Dean’s right hand was braced against Cas’s chest.

 

Cas covered Dean's hand with his own, nudging his nose against Dean's cheek, his breathing shallow. "What now?"

 

“I want to touch you, but you’re in charge of where my hand goes. If you want to feel my hand somewhere, you put it there.” Dean gently sucked Cas’s earlobe between his teeth.

 

It caused a shiver to run through his body and a quiet moan to fall from his lips. Dean's lips on his ear, his words, Dean's hand on his body... He just wanted  _ more.  _

 

He experimentally tugged on Dean's hand, pulling it down along his chest to his stomach. He knew where he wanted Dean’s fingers. “Kiss me?” he whispered.

 

Dean groaned as he slid his lips along Cas’s cheek, finally coming into contact with his own lips. Dean gently bit Cas’s bottom lip.

 

There was a surge of lust that ran through his body when he felt Dean's teeth on him. It was all the encouragement he needed to pull Dean’s hand further down, to cover his clothed erection, rocking into Dean's hand with a needy moan.

 

Dean plunged his tongue into Cas’s mouth as he gently gripped his erection. He slowly stroked Cas over the fabric.

 

Cas lost himself in the sensation, he was sure he had never felt something so incredible before. A part of him wished he could feel Dean's fingers on his skin, but he knew it wasn't possible. His skin was broken, littered with the history of his abuse. He didn't want Dean's hands anywhere near his scars. He was afraid Dean would be disgusted with him.

 

He deepened the kiss, trying to shake those thoughts. Whispering Dean's name brokenly against his lips. "Feels so good, Dean."

 

“Yeah, baby,” he growled as he began to stroke a little faster.

 

He shivered again. Cas now believed it was because of the excitement and arousal he felt. He liked that Dean called him baby. Feeling Dean’s hand pleasuring him made him crazy with want and he bucked into it with more force. “Dean, please.” He had no idea what he was begging for. For more of this. For feeling Dean everywhere on him, in him.

 

“Can I touch you?” he breathed out against Cas’s lips.

 

Cas let out a frustrated whimper before he shook his head. He wanted to feel Dean, but not as long as his body was littered with proof of what he had been for the demon. A fucktoy, his bitch. His property. Nothing more.

 

“Okay, baby,” Dean murmured as he picked up the pace. “Whatever you want.”

 

He suddenly felt guilty for denying Dean. He bit his own lip before he tightened the grip around Dean's hand and pushed it up to the hem of his pants. His breathing hitched as he opened the button. "Okay... touch me."

 

Dean groaned as he slipped his hand into Cas’s pants, under the hem of his underwear, before his warm, slightly calloused hand made contact with his sex. Dean’s fingers wrapped around him before he slowly started stroking. 

 

His fingers were so close to the cuts, the movement pulling on his skin in a way he could feel the injuries on his hole. Cas pressed his face into Dean's shoulder, away from his lips, tears on the edge of falling. He tried to breathe through it, but he felt like he wasn’t getting enough air. 

 

He didn't want to disappoint Dean, but at the same time he knew Dean wouldn't want to hurt him. Hesitantly he pushed against Dean's hand, before gripping it tightly to pull it out of his pants, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Dean. I can't do this. I'm so sorry."

 

“Okay, Okay.” Dean pulled his hand away and drew back. “I’m sorry.”

 

Cas took in a few deep breaths, looking at Dean before he drew him into another soft kiss. He moved his hand over his erection, now protected through the thick layer of fabric again. “Here feels good. Please don't stop.”

 

Dean nodded against his lips, slowly building up the pace of his stroking through the fabric. 

 

Cas grabbed Dean’s other hand between them and intertwined their fingers. There was a need to hold onto Dean, to get lost in the way Dean looked at him. He was close again, rocking into Dean’s hand, his other hand blindly reaching out to cup Dean’s erection over his pants. He erratically rubbed his thumb over it because he was losing every grasp of control he had as pleasure overwhelmed him. He let it happen, didn't fight it, because for the first time, it felt right. He knew Dean would be there and he would be safe. When his orgasm hit, he gasped out Dean's name and pressed his face against his shoulder just to get closer.

 

Dean gently released him after his final shudder before gently cupping Cas’s face and pressing a frantic kiss to his lips. “Damn, baby.”

 

Cas widened his eyes as he looked at him. He started to rub over Dean’s neglected erection. “Can I touch you, Dean?”

 

He gently grasped his wrist and slowed his movements. “Only if it’s what you want and what you’re ready for. Not what you think I want.”

 

“I want to, Dean. Don't worry, I never used just my hands on him. It’s not a trigger. I just want to touch you.” Cas licked over his own lips, giving Dean a pleading look before he brushed his lips over the corner of his mouth. “Please.”

 

Dean nodded a little breathlessly. “Okay.”

 

Cas smiled and nipped at Dean’s lip, feeling braver with Dean’s breathless permission. He quickly opened Dean’s pants with practiced hands, slipping his fingers under the hem of his boxer shorts before he wrapped his fingers around him, starting to stroke him at a firm and quick pace.

 

“Oh, fuck,” he groaned as his head lolled back and his hips arched up. 

 

Although he was intimately familiar with Dean’s member, he didn’t feel disturbed by touching it. Dean made the difference. The way he was succumbing to the pleasure, the pleasure Cas was giving to him, it wasn't like anything he had experienced before.

 

The demon had always been guarded and in control, but Dean was letting go, showing him a vulnerable side of himself. Dean was opening himself up and trusting Cas with his body. Cas knew he was falling in love with Dean again in that moment.

 

He pressed himself closer to Dean, kissing the moans from Dean’s lips as he brought him to completion.

 

As his body shuddered with one final pulse, Dean looked at Cas like he was a walking miracle. Dean smiled a little dopily at him and said, “You make me so freakin’ happy, Cas.”

 

Cas couldn’t help but smile. Dean’s words made him feel warm and safe, and just then he realized how important it had been, to take this step of careful sexual exploration with each other. He needed something positive to remind himself that this was how it should be. It was still scary in a lot of ways, but he had never been more hopeful than right in that very moment. 

 

His pants were sticky and it started to feel uncomfortable. Cas looked down at himself with a grimace. “I think I should visit my bathroom.” He bit his lip and looked up at Dean, suddenly feeling shy. “Would you stay in my bed tonight?”

 

Dean’s smile could have lit up the entire state of Kansas. “Definitely. I’d love to.”

 

Cas leaned over to kiss Dean’s forehead, a relieved smile on his lips. “Okay, I’ll try to be quick.”

 

He slid from the bed and grabbed his pajamas. Sam had bought them for him in the beginning. They were wide and cozy and didn't interfere much with his injuries, but the best part was that they hid every scar. 

 

He turned to Dean before he left the room, watching how the man got comfortable in Cas’s bed. His cheeks started to hurt with how much he was smiling. 


	8. You were only waiting for this moment to be free

**Chapter 8**

  
  


When his surroundings came into less bleary focus, Dean realized he’d slept in Cas’s bed again. He attempted to sit up, but was presently held firmly in place by a sleepy, messy-haired angel with a cuddle-death grip. Dean chuckled and carded his hand through Cas’s hair, somehow managing to make his hair even messier, if that was even possible.

 

The night before had been… Hell, one of the best nights of his life. The comfortable and relaxing evening, in great company, celebrating his mom’s favorite holiday. Watching his brother make an ass of himself because of Eileen. Sharing sneaky kisses and glances with Cas. Ending the night going a step he never imagined they’d find themselves. Well, at least not as soon as they had.

 

Dean felt a little guilty, his brother’s words echoing in his head. But it felt pretty reciprocal. The only time Cas hesitated was when he had skin to skin contact with Cas, which he was going to ask about. If Cas was going to be addressing his issues and insecurities, then Dean wanted one of those to be his issues with nudity. Because he couldn’t wait to touch Cas everywhere, to kiss every inch of his skin.

 

_ Shit.  _ Dean was really fucked. He was falling hard and fast for Cas, and while there was the occasional twinge of guilt over it, as though he hadn’t given himself enough time to grieve the loss of his own Cas, he knew his Cas would be happy for him. Because the angel was nothing if not selfless.

 

Dean would have been content to stare lovingly at Cas’s sleeping face for hours, like the creeper his feelings were apparently turning him into; but his bladder was unpleasantly full and he hated to do it, but he gently touched Cas’s face to try and wake the angel.

 

“Cas? Baby? Can you release me? I’ve gotta piss.”

 

Cas blinked open just one eye before he violently flinched backwards, breathing out a quick and pleading, “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!”

 

Dean sat upright, shaking his head in confusion. “Cas, what?”

 

Cas looked confused before he seemed to realize where he was. “Oh, um... Dean. I’m sorry. I was just confused for a moment.” He gave him a weak smile and Dean could see how fast Cas’s heart was beating against his throat. “Good morning, Dean.”

 

“There anything I can do?” he asked, his bladder be damned. Cas’s well being was more important.

 

Cas shook his head, giving him another smile. "I just startled. It's okay. I know where I am now." He slowly slid closer again, looking at the sheets before he leaned over and kissed Dean's cheek. "I'm fine. Please don't worry."

 

Dean chuckled. “Have you  _ met  _ me? Worrying is kinda my thing.”

 

Cas nudged Dean's cheek with his nose playfully before he whispered, "Then I suggest you hurry back to me." It sounded very seductive. Dean didn't even know Cas  _ could  _ talk like that.

 

“Yes, sir!” Dean pressed a kiss to his cheek and practically jumped out of the bed. He managed to make it to the bathroom and back in under four minutes. When he opened the door, Cas was still awake, sprawled on his side, smiling at Dean. It was official. He was definitely falling for the angel.

 

Dean crawled onto the bed, nudging his nose against Cas’s chin as he started pressing kiss after kiss to the exposed skin of his throat. “Mornin’,” he softly growled.

 

Cas chuckled lowly, wrapping his arms around Dean. "Can we just stay here forever?"

 

“I don’t see why not,” Dean murmured as he allowed himself to be pulled closer to Cas. He looked down at Cas’s face and swiped the pad of his thumb along his jawline. “I see no reason to ever leave this bed again.”

 

"Good." Cas closed his eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath. He sounded much more relaxed. "It's very cozy in here."

 

Dean smiled and braced himself on his elbow, looking down at Cas’s face. “So you’re doing better? No need for the accent?”

 

"I feel better every day, Dean." He looked away with a frown. "It's just sometimes when I wake up... I need a moment to remember that I'm here with you now."

 

“And you’re allowed your moment. I just don’t like seeing you freaked out. Especially when it’s my face that causes it.”

 

"I'm sorry," Cas mumbled before he looked up at Dean. "But I want you to know that you couldn't be more different than him. Especially with what we did last night."

 

Dean smiled and shook his head. “You never have to apologize. And I’m glad you said that. I was a little worried I forced you to do something you weren’t ready for.”

 

Cas shook his head before he took in a seemingly steadying breath. "There will be times where I'm unsure of how far I can go. Sometimes because I don't know my limits, but sometimes because my thoughts are conflicting. I have urges, needs... and I don't want to fight them, but at the same time... there are also things I'm not ready to do yet." He bit his lower lip before he looked up at Dean. "But you help me heal, even when we do something I don't feel comfortable with at first. I learn that those things can be good and then I'm not as uncomfortable anymore."

 

“Like getting undressed?” Dean asked, gently carding his hand through Cas’s hair.

 

Cas didn't meet his eyes then. "When you helped me with my wounds... I felt uncomfortable with you seeing me like that, but in this new context... with us being intimate..." He shook his head. "It's worse now. I can't stand the thought of you seeing my scars."

 

_ Ah.  _ That simultaneously made sense and broke Dean’s heart a little. Cas could be covered from head to toe in boils and he’d still be hopelessly enamored with the guy. Dean cupped his cheek and gave him a reassuring smile. “Why? Do you think I’d find you gross?”

 

Cas shook his head, looking thoughtful for a moment before he answered, "The scars should remind me of what I am. I'm the demon's property, his f–" Cas bit his lip. "His  _ toy.  _ I feel ashamed of them, because they show I let him use me like that."

 

“Your scars aren’t a brand, or any of that bullshit. Your scars are proof of what you’ve survived. They’re proof of just how damn strong you are,” Dean assured as he pulled his own shirt up and off, pointing to a jagged scar on his abdomen. “That was from a Rugaru. And this one…” Dean pointed to a fresher scar on his side. “This one was a nasty little ghoul.”

 

Cas looked grim as he shook his head. "You got your scars from fighting. They are honorable. I didn't fight. I just let him fuck me."

 

Dean swallowed dryly and gently grasped Cas’s hand. It was about time he told Cas the whole dark truth about his own past. If he really was just like the other Dean, hell, maybe Cas would already know something that even Sammy didn’t. “Did your Dean ever tell you what happened to him when he was a teenager?”

 

Cas shook his head before he slowly looked up at Dean. "No, what?"

 

“Do you know what a rent-boy is?”

 

"No." Cas sat up on the bed and leaned against the headboard, pulling Dean closer in his arms again. 

 

Dean took a deep breath and exhaled shakily before he continued, “It’s essentially an underage prostitute. Which I was for about six months. Money was tight, constantly on the move, hunting. Sam wasn’t old enough to be brought along yet, but to keep him fed with a roof over his head… Anyway, Dad knew my looks and my ass could get us some money. So, yeah. The physical scars those men left are gone now, but… they’re still kind of there, in my head. You know?”

 

Cas stared at him for a long moment before he choked out, "Your father forced you to do this?"

 

“Yes and no. He asked me to do it, in that sort of way he had that made it sound like it was kind of what I  _ had  _ to do, you know… for Sammy.” Dean sighed and shrugged. “At least the guy who took my virginity was nice. Most of them weren’t, but that guy… I think he could tell how fucking terrified I was. He paid the most, too. Fourteen year old virgin ass is apparently worth a lot.” Dean looked down then. Fuck, he hadn’t thought about that part of his life in years.

 

Cas looked away from him, his eyes shimmered with tears. It took a while before he murmured, "I'm sorry that happened to you, Dean."

 

“Hey,” Dean said in a hushed whisper as he gently grasped Cas’s chin to bring him back. “Sometimes you get dealt a shitty hand and all you can do is fold and try to leave the game, even if it leaves you completely screwed. But the fact that you did, that you took the chance, the risk to leave… It doesn’t make you weak, or a failure. Kind of the opposite. And if I can live through what I did, and you can live through what you lived through, and we can still be  _ here…”  _ Dean smiled then and gave Cas a pointed look. “I think it’s pretty damn miraculous.”

 

Cas gave him a weak smile before he nodded. "You already saved me. And you keep doing it."

 

“I didn’t save you, Cas. You chose to save yourself. By choosing to come with me. By choosing to keep fighting and keep trying even when you realized I wasn’t a grief induced hallucination. By choosing to not let the nightmares of your past continue to haunt your present. Sammy and me might have thrown you a life jacket, but you made the decision to put it on, Cas.”

 

"I'm glad I did, Dean." Cas cupped Dean's cheek with a hesitant expression before he softly kissed him. When he leaned back, Cas took in a deep breath and grabbed the hem of his pajama top and slowly pulled it over his head and off.

 

Dean’s eyes raked over the angel’s scarred torso. His pajama bottoms were low enough on his hips that the scarified word: ‘bitch’ was visible. There were several other scars, some that were clearly from weapons. Others in the shape of a mouth, and the rest he wasn’t entirely sure. A few looked like cigarette burns, but he could have been wrong. When he looked into impossibly blue eyes, Dean smiled.  _ “Elasa bolape turbs.” _

 

Cas looked surprised for a moment before he chuckled lightly. "Your pronunciation is terrible." He leaned forward for a soft kiss. "But you don't need to say it."

 

“Fine, see if I ever tell you you’re pretty again,” Dean teased as he playfully poked his tongue out at Cas.

 

Cas chuckled again and shook his head. "It's not that I don't believe you mean that, Dean. I just don't see it myself." He took in a deep breath before he tugged at his waistband. "The scars weren't the only reason I had to stop you yesterday. I still have an injury... a cut at my... hole. And some movements just hurt," Cas explained quietly before he slowly pulled down his pants. "I want to be honest with you, Dean. Like you have been with me."

 

Dean was unable to hold back the gasp when he saw just how many more scars littered Cas’s lower half. There were so many more scars, open wounds, and they were more jagged, rough. As though he were attacked by some rabid beast. “Fuck, Cas.” He stopped himself because he felt his lip tremble from the sheer anger he was feeling towards his dead doppelgänger.

 

"I hope most of them will heal over time, especially now that no new ones will be added." Cas didn't look at Dean, his gaze was somewhere lost on his own body. "Do you want me to turn around?"

 

He actually didn’t, because if Cas’s backside was as bad, or worse, than his front, Dean wasn’t entirely sure how he would react. Dean shook his head and cupped Cas’s cheeks. “I am so sorry, Cas. I am so fucking sorry you had to endure any of this.”

 

"I didn't show you so you would feel sorry for me, Dean." Cas gave him a shy smile. "I want this to work between us and I don't want to keep things from you. I want you to know the truth about my injuries."

 

Dean nodded and swallowed nervously. “Okay. Tell me.”

 

Cas winced a little as he spread his legs, his fingers massaging his right thigh for a moment. "As long as the cut here..." He pointed between his legs. "Isn't healed, I fear I won't be able to have sex with you."

 

There was a gaping unhealed wound from his anus down to his thigh and Dean shook his head in dismay. “Why the fuck would he do this to you?”

 

Cas shook his head, his voice sounded matter-of-fact as he said, "He was angry and he told me I was too tight. That a whore should be more open."

 

Dean’s lip did tremble then as a tear escaped. He wiped it away, trying to breathe through the rage he was feeling. “Please, Cas. Please let me try to do something for that. It must be so painful.”

 

Cas sighed before he slowly nodded. "Is there even something you could do? It hurts a lot. Especially when you touched me last night. And I don't want to associate your touch with pain."

 

“I have a numbing, pain relief cream and… Shit, Cas. I’d offer to try and stitch it, but that might hurt more.” Dean got up from his bed and grabbed his personal first aid kit from the top drawer of his dresser. It was filled with illegally obtained pain meds, muscle relaxants, prescription strength balms and antibiotics, and who knew what else. Anytime they had a case at a hospital or doctor’s office, Dean made it a point to flirt with a nurse, or pharmacist, in the hopes of scoring this shit.

 

Cas scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know if stitches would be any better? He did it with my angel blade."

 

Well, that explained why it looked so fresh. Dean took a deep breath as he grabbed the tube of Emla and came back to the bed. He held it out for Cas and sighed. “I don’t know if stitches will do anything, but this is a prescription strength topical anesthetic. It’ll numb and relieve the pain wherever you rub it.”

 

"Okay," Cas murmured before he pulled his shirt over his head again. "Thank you."

 

“Don’t you want to try it?” Dean asked as he moved to lay next to Cas on the bed, fixing him with a slightly confused stare.

 

Cas nodded, spreading his legs a little bit more. "Can you show me exactly where I should rub it?"

 

“You want me to do it?” Dean offered as he sat up on his knees. 

 

Cas bit his lower lip and appeared to be thoughtful. After a long pause, he nodded. "If it's okay with you."

 

Dean nodded. “I’ll be gentle. If it’s too much, tell me and I’ll stop, okay?”

 

Cas nodded and leaned against the headboard, obviously trying to relax. "What we did last night, it felt really great."

 

He couldn’t help but chuckle fondly. “That’s putting it mildly.” Dean opened the tube and settled himself between Cas’s legs, staring at his torn up limbs and genital area.  _ What sort of sick, sadistic fuck…  _ Dean shook his head of those angry thoughts, knowing full well he was going to go out shooting later when he got a chance. “I’m gonna start on your leg and work my way up,” he let Cas know as he gently pressed his index and middle finger, covered in the lidocaine cream, along the start of the way too long wound.

 

Cas winced a little, but put on a brave face after that. Dean could feel the tension practically oozing from him. But that was typical Cas. He never really complained about pain, which made it especially difficult to see if he was hurt. "I hope I can have sex with you at some point," he murmured softly.

 

Dean smiled at him. “Well, even if we’re never be able to have you bottom, that doesn’t rule out sex for us, baby.” He carefully started making his way up Cas’s leg, gently rubbing the cream in, hoping it would help. If Cas could feel pain, hopefully that meant human treatments for pain would work too.

 

"What do you mean?" Cas asked carefully.

 

“I have no issues with bottoming for you,” Dean said as he poured a little more cream onto his fingers. His fingertips were starting to get numb, he probably should have grabbed a glove, but hopefully that meant that it was working on Cas.

 

"Oh." Cas took in a shuddered breath. "I somehow never thought that would be an option."

 

Dean chuckled. “Why? ‘Cause I’m so manly?” he teased as he waggled his eyebrows.

 

Cas tilted his head in confusion. "I don't know why." He looked a little sad then before he shook his head. "Maybe because it was always the other way around with me and..."

 

“I know you forget sometimes, but I promise you, Cas. I’m not him,” Dean reassured as he reached the cleft of his ass. “You ready for me to go higher?”

 

Cas took in a deep breath and nodded. "I think it's starting to work. My skin feels funny."

 

“It’s numbing it. Do you feel less pain?” Dean asked as he gently parted Cas’s cheeks, carefully rubbing the cream into the cut as he inched up closer to his rim.

 

Cas's breathing hitched before it turned shallow. He didn't look at Dean and his cheeks were tinted a red hue. "Yeah, it's better."

 

Dean smiled, trying to ignore the way Cas was squirming, and clearly not in pain. “Good. I’m glad I can help.” He swallowed dryly as his fingers trailed higher, finally reaching the top of the laceration marring the ring of muscle around Cas’s anus.

 

Cas gasped, his fingers gripped tightly into the sheets. "Uh, Dean..."

 

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked as he retracted his hand. 

 

Cas shook his head. "No, you... um... didn't hurt me. I had no idea it could feel good to be touched there." 

 

That was such a depressing statement. Dean nodded and looked at him. “Want me to keep going?”

 

"Yes, please," Cas breathed out before he gave Dean a shy smile. "I really want to kiss you now."

 

Dean smiled and with his clean hand, waved for Cas to sit up a little. “C’mere. Kiss me while I keep going,” he breathed out as he poured more of the cream on the tips of his fingers and slowly started rubbing it against Cas’s pucker again.

 

Cas moaned against Dean's lips before he pulled him into a deep kiss, licking into his mouth with a need that was surprising.

 

Dean couldn’t hold back the groan of appreciation as he continued rubbing the cream in a circular motion over Cas’s hole. He had no idea how they ended up turning what was supposed to be a purely platonic medicinal aid into whatever this was, but Dean also had no intention of complaining. The sounds Cas kept making were the best thing he had ever heard. Better than Zeppelin.

 

"Dean, uh, Dean... You made me hard," Cas gasped against Dean's lips, sounding thoroughly surprised. 

 

He smiled against Cas’s lips. “There’s so many nerve endings here,” he said as he gently dipped the tip of his finger inside Cas’s hole, just in case the laceration went deeper than superficial. “It’s why it’s so painful for you. But… with the right care and attention, you can use all of those sensitive nerves for good. To make you feel good.”

 

Cas raised his eyebrow at him, breaths coming out in heavy pants. "I'm starting to see that... I had no idea it could feel this way. You're amazing, Dean."

 

“And if you’re ever ready for more, I’ll show you what happens when I touch your prostate,” he murmured against Cas’s lips, slowly withdrawing his hand when he felt like he’d gotten every inch of that open wound.

 

Cas pulled him in another needy kiss. "I hope there will be a time you can show me all of these things."

 

Dean grinned into the kiss, loving every moment they were sharing together more than he could have ever thought possible. “Just say the word, baby. I’m yours.”

 

Cas cupped Dean's face and gave him a worried look. "What if these wounds never heal?"

 

“Then we’ll deal with it as it comes. I want you because of you. Not what you can do for me sexually. There’s a lot of alternatives. And I’m more than happy just to take care of you.” And the surprising thing was, it wasn’t lip service, it wasn’t bullshit. Dean meant that, with all of his heart. Because Cas,  _ this  _ Cas, made him unbelievably happy. And sex had almost nothing to do with that.

 

Cas just stared at him for a moment before he shook his head slightly. "I have no idea how I deserve you. But I'm so happy to be with you and I... I'm falling more and more in love with you every minute we spend together."

 

Dean’s eyes widened and he let out a breathless laugh. “Really?”

 

Cas smiled at him and nodded. "Yes. You make me very happy."

 

Without hesitating, Dean leaned in and captured his lips in a soft, yet entirely needy kiss. “Me, too, Cas. So much.”

 

Cas pulled Dean down on the bed with him, one hand on Dean's neck to keep kissing him, the other slipping under his shirt, stroking over his back as he rocked his hips against Dean's.

 

Dean chuckled and drew back slightly to look down at him. “How far do you want to go?”

 

Cas's expression was needy and dazed as he seemed to think about Dean's question. "I don't know. I... want to make you come."

 

Dean smiled and looked at him lovingly. “I don’t know if you’re ready for it, but if you want, you can have sex with me, you know, with you on top. Make me come that way?”

 

Cas tilted his head. "You want me to ride you?"

 

“No, baby. I’d ride  _ you.  _ You would be the one fucking me.” Dean let out a soft chuckle and winked at him.

 

Cas stared at him for a long – clearly disbelieving – moment before he breathed out, "Yeah, yeah. I want that." But then he looked worried. "I don't want to hurt you."

 

Dean smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll show you how to get me ready, so it doesn’t hurt.”

 

Cas's expression was a mixture of confusion and hesitance when he replied rather shakily, "Alright."

 

“Hey,” Dean murmured as he cupped the side of Cas’s face, “we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.”

 

Cas leaned into his hand. "It's not me. I'm just worried about you. This sort of sex hurts and I don't want to hurt you."

 

Dean shook his head. “Baby. What you experienced was rape, not sex.”

 

"Just because you consent to it, doesn't mean the mechanics aren't the same," Cas replied, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

 

“The thing with consent is, if you want it, you relax, you open yourself to the act. And with consent comes prep. Do… do you know what that is?” Dean asked, more than ninety nine percent sure Cas probably didn’t. If his fucked doppelgänger could cause the damage he did, he highly doubted he’d ever tried to make the experience pleasurable for Cas.

 

Cas shook his head, for some reason he looked embarrassed. It was clear why with his next words, "I apologize for my lack of knowledge."

 

Dean smiled reassuringly. “Don’t apologize.” He leaned over and grabbed the bottle of Astroglide from his nightstand drawer and held it in his palm. “Do you know what this is?”

 

Cas took the bottle and tilted his head with a frown as he read the description. "It says personal lubricant, water based."

 

“Yeah. When you have anal sex, you use this to help… slick the way.” Dean opened the bottle while still in Cas’s hand and grabbed Cas’s other hand to hold under it. He then squeezed the bottle, pouring a small amount of the contents on Cas’s fingers. “What prep is, is kind of like what I did with the cream. You tease and slowly open an anus, using lube to lessen the discomfort. And then you slowly start stretching my hole.”

 

Cas worried his bottom lip between his teeth in concentration before he nodded. "Okay, I can try that. But promise me that you’ll tell me if I do something wrong, or if I hurt you."

 

Dean nodded as he smiled at Cas. “Do you want me to undress myself, or would you like to do it?”

 

Cas rubbed the lube from his fingers on his own leg before he leaned forward to kiss Dean, his hands roaming to the hem of Dean's shirt, pulling it up. When Cas pulled it off of Dean, he leaned back and stared at his chest and arms openly before he hesitantly let his fingers slide over Dean's chest. "You are very attractive, Dean."

 

“You ain’t so bad yourself, Cas.” Dean chuckled and allowed Cas to finish undressing him. While there was a flutter of nervous butterflies in his stomach, having sex with Cas had been a favorite fantasy of Dean’s for a long time. He was more excited than anything else. 

 

When he was completely naked, Dean moved to lay on his back, upper back sitting slightly upright against the two pillows before he spread his legs. Dean smiled again and with a wave of his finger, beckoned Cas closer. “Kiss me?”

 

Cas's lips were too inviting not to want them; partially open, soft and pliant. Cas braced himself against the headboard with one strong arm, that was still mostly clothed by his pajama top as he leaned forward to kiss him. First gently, but then more insistent when he pushed his tongue into Dean's mouth. 

 

Dean groaned into the kiss, it was kind of crazy how damn good the angel was at kissing. He wrapped his arms around Cas to draw him closer, losing himself to the onslaught of sensation, arching up against Cas, trying to feel more of him.

 

He could feel Cas's erection rubbing against his own, drips of Cas's precome painted his hip. Cas drew back from the kiss to grab the bottle again, opening it. "How much should I use?"

 

“About enough to cover a quarter. Put it on your index finger and start by spreading it on my hole,” Dean breathed out, his cock twitching with anticipatory excitement.

 

Cas did as instructed, being particularly adorable with how concentrated he was with the task. He looked up with a shy smile before he carefully spread Dean’s cheeks and touched his hole with his lubed fingers, spreading it teasingly. His gaze wandered between Dean’s ass and up to his eyes, probably to make sure he was doing it right. 

 

Dean couldn’t stop the slightly needy whimper if he tried. He nodded and said, “Yeah, like that. When I’m nice and wet, get a little more lube and slowly start to slide your finger inside.”

 

Cas massaged the lube against his hole and it felt incredible. He balanced out the lack of experience with being methodically thorough and one hundred percent attentive. Just like Dean had told him, he gathered more lube on his fingers before one of the digits put more pressure on his hole, teasing and prodding until it slowly slid inside. Cas looked up at with a worried expression. “Does it still feel good?”

 

“Mmm, yes, you can go further,” Dean groaned as started to lose himself to pleasure. It had been years since he’d had anal sex and he almost forgot how good it could feel. “When you’re in to the knuckle, slowly start circling your finger.”

 

Cas carefully pushed forward before his finger started to explore him. When Cas found his prostate, he rubbed over it a few times.

 

“Oh, fuck,” Dean moaned and bucked up, chasing the intense pleasure.

 

Cas gave him a surprised look and repeated stroking over his prostate. He sounded breathless when he asked, "Good?"

 

Dean nodded and moaned an unintelligible response. His fists gripped the sheets as he tried to ride Cas’s finger. “You can… fuck, slip another finger in,” he didn’t so much instruct as he sort of begged.

 

Cas hesitated for a moment before he slowly pushed a second finger against Dean's rim, carefully slipping it in, crooking his other finger to keep stroking over that magic spot. Cas was breathing heavily, biting his own lip as he watched his fingers pushing in and out of Dean. 

 

“You can… oh, fuck, Cas… You can start spreading your fingers. Open me up,” he breathed out as he looked at Cas, feeling even more aroused by the sheer adoration he saw in impossibly blue eyes.

 

"Dean," Cas gasped out breathlessly as he worked him open, bracing himself on his other hand for a moment to draw Dean into a passionate kiss. "I... can't wait to feel you."

 

“Me, too. When I feel stretched enough for a third finger, go for it.” Dean was completely and thoroughly gone for the angel. He wanted nothing more than to take this step with Cas.

 

Cas leaned back and kissed Dean's kneecap before he massaged a third finger against his rim, teasingly putting pressure on it, but not pushing in. He was taking his time, which was making Dean mad with want.

 

Dean groaned. “Baby, please,” he begged.

 

Cas's breathing hitched and Dean just knew it was because of the petname. Finally Cas pushed in his third finger, still carefully, but a little bit more insistent, like he was at the end of his self restraint as well. He worked him open like before, rubbing his fingers over his prostate while scissoring him open. “Dean,” Cas moaned as he started to fuck him with his fingers.

 

“When you have no resistance, that means I’m ready,” he groaned, half tempted to tell Cas to just fuck him already. 

 

Cas was breathing hard, his fingers still thrusting into him as he gave him an insecure look. "I'm not sure... Are you ready?"

 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, baby. I’m ready. So, now you’re gonna put some lube on your cock. And slowly push into me, okay?”

 

Cas carefully pulled his fingers out and quickly opened the bottle of lube, nearly dropping it again before he spread the lube over himself. He moaned deeply, a sound that made Dean's cock twitch in anticipation. Cas leaned over Dean, taking in a deep breath as he guided himself in position, the head of his cock pushing against his hole. For a moment they just looked at each other, breathing in harmony. Cas slowly pushed inside, his lower lip trapped between his teeth.

 

The groan that escaped Dean’s chest was shaky and echoed his surrender to Cas. Dean grasped Cas’s upper arms, leaning up to kiss him as he continued to slowly sink inside. The burn, the stretch, the fullness… it was the right amount of pain and pleasure. 

 

For a moment, Cas returned the kiss, the underlying neediness accentuating the way they were connecting. When he was completely buried inside of Dean, he leaned back and looked at him. "Dean, you feel so tight and good." His voice was shaky and breathless. “Does it hurt?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No, it feels… fuck, Cas. Perfect. You can start moving,” he groaned as he gently bucked his hips, urging Cas to fuck into him. 

 

Cas started with a slow pace, pulling him into a deep kiss. For a moment, Dean wished he could feel Cas's skin against his chest, but he understood why Cas prefered to keep his shirt on. It would probably take a long time before he would feel comfortable in his own skin. 

 

Cas’s moans started to get more frequent and louder when he changed his thrusts into faster, harder ones, gasping as they got lost in each other’s eyes. 

 

Dean cupped Cas’s face in both of his hands, arching his hips up so that every single thrust hit his prostate. It was that insanely intense kind of pleasure and he couldn’t get enough of it. The way every thrust sent a tingling shiver throughout his entire nervous system… because Cas was managing to slowly dismantle him, piece by piece, atom by atom, with every single movement. Dean looked Cas in his eyes and couldn’t stop himself as he groaned,  _ “Olani hoath ol.” _

 

Cas gasped, staring at him before he started to smile. "Dean... I love you, too. So much." He pulled him into a kiss that left Dean breathless, whispering against his lips, "You make me so happy."

 

“Me, too, baby. So fucking happy,” he murmured as a shiver ran through him, causing him to moan outright. “Oh, fuck.”

 

Cas wrapped his arms around him to pull him closer and somehow managed to fuck him even deeper. He was breathing hard against Dean's lips. "I'm so close, Dean."

 

Dean nodded. “Me, too. I swear if you just touch my dick I’m gonna come.”

 

Cas slid his palm over Dean's chest down to his stomach. "Do you want to come?"

 

“Please,” he cried out as another surge of pleasure coursed through him. It really wouldn’t take much at that point. 

 

Cas wrapped his fingers around Dean's cock and started to stroke him in time with his thrusts.

 

Dean could feel the heat pooling in his groin, he knew he was about to come when suddenly the door was swung open and Eileen started gesturing before she froze, eyes widening as the scene before her seemed to register. 

 

“Shit!” Dean cried out. He was helpless to the entire situation, all he could do was gently grasp Cas’s shoulders. Cas grabbed the blanket and pulled out of Dean as he threw the blanket over both of them. Dean shook his head and sat up, feeling about as red in the face as Eileen was in that moment. “Is everything okay?” he managed to ask her, grateful she couldn’t hear the way his voice broke.

 

She signed something before she mumbled out a mortified, "I'm so sorry!" She quickly turned around, more or less fleeing the room.

 

Cas took in a shuddered breath. "She said Rowena is here."

 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean groaned before it turned into a laugh. He looked at Cas and shook his head. “Fuck me, her timing is the worst.”

 

Cas still looked like he was in shock and not really sure how he should react before his expression seemed to settle for grumpy. "We should lock the door the next time." He looked down at Dean hesitantly. "I mean, I hope there will be a next time."

 

Dean smiled and kissed his cheek. “There absolutely will. Hell, if you want, we can lock it and finish what we were doing first.” Granted he was thinking with his blue balls, but they deserved an orgasm after that humiliating moment.

 

He could feel Cas tense under his palm, he didn't look like he was in the mood anymore. "I don't think I can relax enough, knowing that they are all waiting and... maybe getting an answer on if she can help me."

 

“Fair enough.” Dean pressed another kiss to his cheek and grabbed his t-shirt. “Time to do the walk of shame.”

 

“Walk of shame?” Cas asked with a head tilt, wincing a little bit when he put on his boxer shorts.

 

“Yeah, it means everyone’s gonna clearly know what we were just doin’.” Dean gently grasped Cas’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

 

Cas nodded slowly. "I'm just nervous about meeting her. What if she can't help me?"

 

Dean gave him a reassuring nod. “Then we just take things slow and keep using human remedies to try and heal you.”

 

Cas took in a deep breath and nodded before he pulled on his jeans and exchanged his pajama top for one of Dean's shirts. "I know it's all in my head. You have been nothing but patient and understanding with me, but I still want... I want to be good for you. Without all of this..." Cas gestured towards his own body. "I want those memories, his claim on me… I want it all gone."

 

Dean regarded him seriously for a moment and took Cas’s hand in his own. “Hey, he has no claim to you anymore and a handful of scars doesn’t mean he does. But I get what you mean. We’ll figure it out, Cas. We always do.”

 

Cas took in a deep breath before he pulled him into a soft kiss. "Thank you, Dean."

 

“Anytime, Cas.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

Eileen couldn’t even look at them without blushing and Sam’s expression was a mixture of worried and angry. He wondered if Eileen had told him and he didn’t approve, or if Sam’s anger was directed at the other woman in the library.

 

Cas reached behind him to take Dean's hand in his without thinking. He felt safer knowing Dean was next to him when he was introduced to the witch. She had long, red hair and was wearing an elegant dress. Her gaze wandered to their joined hands and she quirked her brow, looking amused and... not at all scary. “You must be Rowena.”

 

She smiled at him, a rather rueful expression on her face as she braced her hands on her hips. “Fergus always said you two were boyfriends, I never imagined he was telling the truth.”

 

Cas gave her a confused look before he looked back at Dean and mouthed, "Crowley?"

 

Dean smirked. “Oh, yeah. Feel free to use it against him.”

 

Cas couldn't help but smile at that before he turned back to the witch. He took in a deep breath. Time for the moment of truth. "Sam sent you the photos of the sigil and told you about the spell. Is there anything you can do?"

 

At that Rowena arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him. “Is the demon who did that to you alive or dead, do you know?”

 

"The sigil was made by... He is dead," Cas explained before he furrowed his brow. "I don't know about the witch though. She cast the spell that keeps me from destroying the sigil myself. If I try to remove the sigil, it will kill me."

 

Rowena nodded. “Can you remove your shirt?”

 

Cas felt very uncomfortable with the request, turning around to look at Sam and Eileen. Sam thankfully seemed to understand as he excused himself and took Eileen with him somewhere else. 

 

Cas's heart was beating fast as he let go of Dean and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off. 

 

The witch clicked her tongue as she looked him over. “I need to feel the energy of the sigil. I’ll need to touch you to do that.”

 

Cas nodded, but everything in him just wanted to run. He grabbed Dean’s hand again, squeezing it because he needed something to hold on to.

 

“I’m not going to do anything but read the sigil,” Rowena assured as she lightly touched the sigil. After a beat she drew back and asked, “Do you know how binding magic works?”

 

Cas shook his head. "I'm not well versed in magic."

 

Rowena nodded. “In order to make it binding, it has to be tied to something, especially if you’re binding an unwilling person. Your demon used his own blood, which means as long as he’s alive, this can’t be removed. But if he’s dead, this binding is, too.”

 

“So the spell is already broken?” Cas asked slowly, not daring to hope that he had heard right.

 

“I couldn’t detect any trace of the bind. It is now yet another mark on your person.” Rowena held out a knife to Cas. “If you don’t believe me, test it for yourself.”

 

Cas took the knife hesitantly. “If you’re lying and I die, Dean will probably kill you where you stand."

 

“No probably about it,” Dean affirmed as he stared Rowena down.

 

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Think of this as repayment, so I’m no longer in the debt of the Winchesters.”

 

Cas gave Dean a long look before he whispered, “I love you.” He turned the knife, bit hard on his lip before he cut into the sigil, effectively destroying it. It hurt, but Cas could suddenly feel his power surging up and running free through his body. It started to glow as his grace instantly repaired all of the damage that wasn’t from an angelic weapon. The rest had to heal with time. But it  _ would  _ heal.

 

He looked at Dean before happiness bubbled over and he pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m free, Dean.”

 

Dean released a relieved bark of laughter as he pressed his face into the crook of Cas’s neck and returned the hug. He drew back slightly and gave Rowena a genuine smile. “Thanks.”

 

Cas turned to Rowena and pulled her into a hug. She made a surprised noise before she patted his shoulder and pulled back. “Thank you. I can't thank you enough.”

 

She regarded him curiously for a moment, brow furrowed in bemusement before she took a step back. “You’re not like the other one.” Rowena turned to Dean and pursed her lips as she said, “Keep today in mind next time you have me at the end of the barrel of your gun.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes and folded his arms over his chest. “We’ll see.”

 

Rowena shrugged. “You could always let me have a go at the archives of this bunker, you know, so you wouldn’t have any qualms about killing me next time.”

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

 

“Worth a shot,” she said in a ho-hum tone. Rowena turned to Cas and nodded. “Take care of yourself, pigeon.”

 

Cas tilted his head. "I'm not a pigeon. I'm an angel."

 

That was met with twin chuckles from both the witch and Dean, which prompted them both to look at each other uncomfortably and immediately stop. Rowena brushed her hands over her dress, pressing out any wrinkles (of which there were none). “What was the name of the witch who performed the binding spell?”

 

"Her name was Yennefer. She was tall, black hair, not very nice. A friend of your son." Cas bit his lip and walked closer to Rowena. "Why do you want to know?"

 

Rowena’s lips turned up in an almost sinister grin. “Don’t you worry about that.”

 

"I can't help but feel worried now," Cas stated, flashing a worried look to Dean.

 

Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder. “Do you really care what happens to that bitch?”

 

"Of course not. I want her dead," Cas explained with a frown. "I just don't want them to become friends."

 

Dean’s expression grew serious then as he looked at Rowena. “Don’t make us regret telling you.”

 

Rowena smirked. “No promises.” And with that, and in a puff of smoke, Rowena disappeared.

 

Cas swallowed and gave Dean a long look. "That wasn't very reassuring."

 

Dean shrugged. “I’m not worried. Knowing Rowena, she’s gonna kill her and absorb her power or something.” He looked at the entryway and barked, “You can come back in, Sammy!”

 

Sam and Eileen must have been directly behind the door because they immediately came back into the library. Sam ran up to him to pull him in for a hug. "Are you okay? Did it work?"

 

Cas squeezed him tightly, hoping all of the gratitude he felt for Sam – for everything he had done – would somehow flow into the way he hugged him back. “Yes, it worked. I can heal myself. At least the injuries that didn’t come from angelic weapons. The others will heal with time. I can already feel them getting better.”

 

Eileen smiled at him from behind Sam and signed,  _ I’m very happy for you. _

 

_ Thank you, _ Cas signed back to her. 

 

Sam gave them both a wistful look. "You have to teach me how to do that."

 

Cas reached over to take Dean's hand again. He couldn't get enough of being close to him. "I'm sure Eileen will look forward to teaching you."

 

Eileen smiled at Sam and said as she signed,  _ “You could have asked.” _

 

Cas chuckled when Sam just gave her a helpless look. He turned to Dean and leaned close to his ear, whispering, "You should eat something, because we have plans."

 

Dean looked at him with a bemused smile. “We do?”

 

Cas answered with a serious look, "Yes, we planned to never leave our bed." He realized too late that he said _ our  _ instead of  _ his, _ but when he saw Dean smile, it reassured him that it was okay.

 

Dean’s smile turned into an outright grin. He looked at Sam and Eileen and said, “See you guys in a few months.” He then grabbed Cas by the hand and practically dragged him to the kitchen.

 

"I want you to have your breakfast in peace, but I also want you to hurry," Cas explained as he quickly started to prepare Dean's coffee. 

 

“Could always do breakfast in bed,” Dean suggested as he grabbed the loaf of bread and dropped a couple of slices in their toaster.

 

"Very efficient thinking, Dean." Cas quickly shot Dean a smile before he continued to stare at the coffee machine, willing it to brew faster. 

 

Suddenly he was wrapped in Dean’s arms from behind as he pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck. “You know staring at it won’t make it work faster, right?”

 

Cas leaned into Dean with a smile before realization suddenly hit him. "Dean!" Cas turned around to stare at him in wonder. "You hugged me... in the kitchen!"

 

Dean’s eyes widened. “Sorry, I forgot!”

 

Cas shook his head. "No, Dean. I’m not afraid. It felt good. It felt amazing. I'm not afraid of it anymore!"

 

The way Dean looked at him in that moment was almost breathtaking. As though Castiel was the only creature in existence. If he had any doubts about Dean returning his feelings, they were completely obliterated in that moment. He wrapped his arms around Cas’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. “Guess this means you don’t need the accent anymore, huh?”

 

Cas leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Dean's lips. "I'm not naive enough to believe that it's all over. I will still have issues in the future. But I believe now, Dean. I believe I can get through this with you. I don't need you to pretend to be somebody else. It's  _ you  _ I need. Exactly as you are."

 

Dean smiled at him, gently taking Cas’s hand in his. “So, no regrets?”

 

Cas smiled. He couldn't sing, but he remembered the lyrics of that Frank Sinatra song that they had listened to in the car. It felt appropriate to repeat them, "Can't you see? I'm no good without you."

 

_ “Take my lips, I wanna lose ‘em,”  _ he sang in a soft murmur as he pulled Cas flush against him and into a surprisingly needy kiss.

 

Cas pushed him against the table, deepening the kiss before he drew back, breathing heavily. "Coffee is ready. Let's go to bed."

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

It was snowing outside. Cas scrunched up his nose when a snowflake landed on it while he closed the door to the newly built greenhouse. Dean was standing outside, waiting with a snowball in his hand. "I'm unarmed," Cas said as he held up his hands in surrender.

 

It had been almost six months since he and Dean took their relationship to the next level. The best almost-six months of his life. His skin was finally free of all of his scars and the only thing left of his past was the occasional nightmare. But those always faded quickly when Dean pressed closer to him in sleep, murmuring soothing words of safety in his ear.

 

"You wouldn't attack an innocent, unarmed angel?" He smirked at Dean.

 

Dean chuckled. “It’s like you don’t even know me,” he said before hurling the snowball right at his chest. 

 

Cas looked down at himself, noticing how the cold snow was seeping into the cozy moose sweater Sam had gifted to him when it started snowing. He slowly knelt down and gathered some snow in his hand before he pressed it into a ball. "That was a mistake. You should run as far as you can."

 

Dean raised his hands in surrender, but the smirk on his face meant trouble. “Again with the not knowing me. Like I wouldn’t have brought back up.” He ducked and yelled, “Now!”

 

In that instant, Sam, Eileen, Jody, Alex, and Claire appeared from behind some trees, each poised with a snowball in both hands. Before he could blink, several snow projectiles were hurled in his direction at once.

 

He dodged a few by ducking before he aimed his own and hit Dean right in the chest, laughing from the surprise that every member of his new family was there. 

 

"Are you here because of Christmas?" he asked with a happy smile, remembering that Dean had told him they would celebrate Christmas in a big way this year.

 

Claire approached him and pulled him into a hug. “Of course, doofus. That’s what you’re supposed to do at Christmas. Spend it with family.”

 

He hugged her back, giving her a once over when he pulled back. "Did you grow taller again?"

 

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I think you’re getting shorter.”

 

Cas looked down at himself with a frown. He was pretty sure his height hadn’t changed. "It's nice to see you again. I'm happy you're here." He leaned over, whispering conspiringly, “Do you want to be on my team? I could hold Dean down and you can throw snow in his face.”

 

Claire’s eyes lit up as she nodded emphatically. “Even better, I’ll stuff snow down his shirt.”

 

Cas grinned, covering her as she grabbed more snow from the ground. "On three?" 

 

He waited for her to get a good portion of snow before he counted and quickly turned around, running towards Dean, who was talking with Jody and not paying attention. He tackled him down into the snow, Dean making an adorable “ _ Oof!” _ sound before he pinned his arms so he couldn't defend himself.

 

Instead of looking surprised, or annoyed, or anything of the kind, Dean just stared up at him lovingly. It was almost enough to make him contemplate calling the attack off. Before he could act on the thought, Claire was at his side, a comical amount of snow in her hands. 

 

“Can you pull his shirt down?” she asked.

 

Well  _ almost  _ enough to call the attack off because when he saw the expression on Dean's face, Cas was back on the payback idea. Dean had started it. You reap what you sow. He pulled Dean's shirt down with a smirk. "This is what you get for attacking an innocent."

 

He cried out when Claire stuffed all of the snow down his shirt. Claire was giggling maniacally at his pleas for her to stop. Cas was pleased to note no one else came to his aid either. Eileen and Jody were trying very hard to not laugh. Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head, but a smile gave away her amusement. And Sam was bent over from how hard he was laughing.

 

When Claire pulled her snow free hands from the collar of Dean’s shirt, Dean narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re gonna regret that, Cyrus.”

 

She pinched his cheek and said, “Sure I am, Hasselhoff.” Claire pressed a kiss to Cas’s cheek and stood up.

 

Dean looked up at Cas with an amused smile curving his lips. “Am I free to go now?”

 

Cas leaned over him to draw him into a soft kiss. "Yes and I promise I’ll make you warm again later."

 

“You better,” he growled as he pulled him into a deeper kiss.

 

"Guys?" Sam yelled from the door and interrupted them. It was only then that Cas realized everyone had already left to go inside. Every time he kissed Dean, it felt like the world around him just vanished. 

 

He pulled Dean up and in his arms. "I can already tell I will like this holiday."

 

Dean chuckled. “And just to piss Sammy off, I put mistletoe  _ everywhere.” _

 

"Mistletoe?" Cas asked with a head tilt, intertwining his fingers with Dean's as they slowly headed back.

 

“Yeah. It’s a Christmas tradition. If you and another person find yourselves under mistletoe at the same time, you have to kiss. It’s a law.”

 

Cas wondered what would happen if someone refused to kiss. Would they be thrown into jail? He squinted his eyes. "Could we just stand under it on purpose and kiss all day?"

 

Dean nodded and smirked. “I like the way you think.”

 

**…. :::: :::: ….**

 

They all sat together around a very creatively decorated Christmas tree (Cas didn’t know decorating the branches with engine parts of an old car would be considered creative, but that’s what Jody had called it), drinking eggnog, and eating the last crumbs of an epic feast Eileen, Sam, and Dean had prepared. Cas couldn’t taste it, but Dean had made him cookies with Eileen’s help. Cookies that contained so much sugar that they were really enjoyable. When Dean had given him the first one, he was sure he fell in love with him all over again. 

 

Jody started with exchanging gifts when they were done. Cas watched with a smile, while leaning against Dean’s shoulder, as Claire unwrapped her gift. Dean put his arm around him and kissed the top of his head. He closed his eyes for a moment. It was perfect. 

 

Listening to the excited chatter around him, feeling Dean’s warmth, brought a contented smile to his face. He and Sam had been to the city earlier in the week to buy presents. They lay under the tree and Cas couldn’t wait for all of them to unwrap what he had gotten them. Being an angel again, with all of his powers at his disposal, came with a few advantages. Especially in terms of money. It was a comfort to be able to help with that. 

 

He hoped Dean would like his gift. It was of a practical use. Dean had complained for weeks that he needed a new belt for the Impala. It was showing signs of deterioration and he needed to change it. But there was always something that kept him from searching for a fitting replacement. Cas had found one. He knew how important Baby was to Dean and he wanted to help him keep her in shape.

 

Cas bit his lower lip before he looked up at Dean. His expression was relaxed, a soft smile playing around his lips. It was nice to see him happy and relaxed. He looked beautiful like that. “I’ve got you something.” 

 

Dean smiled and interlaced their fingers together. “Already got everything I could possibly want,” he murmured as he pressed a kiss to Cas’s cheek.

 

"It's a practical gift. One that is hopefully helpful," Cas explained with a smile. Dean's words had warmed his heart and he squeezed Dean's hand to show him how much his words meant to him.

 

“Well, I got you something too. Mine isn’t practical.” Dean chuckled as he pulled out a small package, wrapped in newspaper, from his jacket pocket. He held it out to Cas. “Merry Christmas.”

 

Cas gave him a surprised look before he carefully took the gift, turning it around in his hand, wondering what was inside. “Thank you, Dean,” he whispered. “Do you want to open yours first?” Cas leaned over to the gifts under the tree, pulling the box with Dean’s car part from under it to give it to him. He had wrapped it in green wrapping paper that reminded him of Dean’s eye color. 

 

Dean accepted the gift and leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to his lips. He gently shook the present and gave Cas a wide eyed look. “Is it a pony?”

 

Cas tilted his head. “Do you really think a pony would fit in that box?”

 

That was met with a shrug. The expression on his face was relatively emotionless, but his eyes were sparking with amusement. Dean proceeded to open his gift. When he cut open the side of the cardboard and pulled out the belt, his expression softened and he looked up at Cas with a smile. “I’ve been trying to find one of these. Where did you even get it?”

 

“An hour long internet search and telephone calls were involved. The man I found finally assured me this is the right one for a sixty-seven Impala.” He leaned over to kiss Dean’s cheek. “Merry Christmas.”

 

Dean turned his face to kiss Cas’s lips. “You’re the best boyfriend ever,” he murmured fondly. When he drew back, he gave him a hesitant smile. “I hope you like your gift.”

 

Cas looked down at the gift in his hand and slowly (and carefully) unwrapped it.  Dean had written something with black ink on it.  _ To my favorite angel in existence. Love, your human.  _

 

Dean had made him a music tape. Just for him. Cas pressed the tape to his chest with a smile before he looked up at Dean. “Thank you, Dean,” he whispered, feeling overwhelmed with happiness. He leaned against him with another smile. “What’s on it?”

 

“Every song I’ve shown you since you came here,” he said as he tapped the tape. “I know you were curious about the songs on  _ his  _ mixtape, so I made you your own. Just for you.”

 

Cas gave Dean another smile, taking the tape in both of his hands and holding it close. He knew how much love and thought Dean had put into it. "All those songs remind me why I fell in love with you." He leaned forward to whisper in his ear, "Can we listen to it later when we are alone in our bed?" 

 

Dean nodded and waggled his eyebrows. “Hell yeah.”

 

Cas kissed Dean's nose. "Do you want another beer?"

 

As he held up his empty bottle with an evaluative expression, Dean smiled at Cas and said, “Yeah, actually.” He sat up a little more, as though he were going to get up.

 

Cas put his hand on his shoulder. "Stay. I’ll get you one."

 

He stood up and walked over to the kitchen, the same time Sam stood up with his own empty bottle. 

 

"Stop!" Claire shouted at both of them. When Cas turned around to look at her, she giggled and pointed at something over his head. Cas followed her line of sight and noticed the mistletoe above him and Sam. "You have to kiss!" Claire added with a laugh.

 

Sam shook his head and waved his hands. “No way, not happening.”

 

Cas tilted his head. "But Dean told me it's a law."

 

There was a chorus of, “It is!” from the entirety of the room, aside from Dean. 

 

Sam flashed Eileen a pleading look, to which she merely shook her head and signed,  _ It’s law. _

 

Cas looked over to Dean with a help seeking gaze. This wasn't the plan. It was Dean, not Sam, who he was supposed to be under the mistletoe with.

 

He almost startled when all of the women began chanting, “Kiss!”

 

Dean tapped his own cheek, silently communicating for Cas to just kiss Sam’s cheek.

 

Cas looked up at Sam, who appeared very uncomfortable. He gave him a reassuring smile before he murmured, "Lean down for me."

 

Sam actually blushed and cleared his throat before he leaned over within Cas's reach. Cas leaned close to him, whispering, "Thank you for everything. Merry Christmas." He softly pressed a quick kiss to Sam's cheek.

 

“A real kiss!” Claire called out.

 

Alex and Jody enthusiastically supported Claire’s objection. Cas looked over to Dean again. 

 

But before he could see his response, Sam cupped his face, turning his gaze back toward him before he pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

 

For a moment Cas didn't react, because he hadn't expected Sam to do it, but after a moment he carefully kissed back. It was weird, though. It wasn't a bad kiss, but it just wasn't  _ Dean. _

 

The room erupted into cheers, which prompted Sam into chuckling and tapping his tongue against Cas’s lips. Cas gripped Sam's arms in surprise, his lips parted on their own.

 

When the cheers got louder, the kiss got deeper. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and Dean’s voice murmuring, “Can I have my boyfriend back?”

 

Cas pushed himself back from Sam, breathing a bit harder as he gave Sam a surprised look. 

 

Sam just winked at him and said with a smirk, "Dean’s not the only one who can kiss."

 

“Yeah, but Dean’s the only one who gets to  _ kiss  _ Cas’s lips,” Dean said with a chuckle as he playfully shoved Sam away.

 

"And Dean's are the only lips I really want to kiss," Cas added with a smile before he shot Sam an apologetic look. "Sorry, Sam."

 

“It’s okay, Cas. I’ll find a way to get over you.” He looked at Eileen and approached her. “Hi! My name’s Sam,” he said and signed his sign name to her.

 

"That was quick," Cas whispered as he pulled Dean under the mistletoe with him. 

 

Dean smiled as he caressed his right cheek. “Need me to comfort you?”

 

"Yes." Cas chuckled. "I'm very heartbroken. You should comfort me thoroughly and repeatedly."

 

“Then we should probably go somewhere more private.”

 

Cas nodded with a smile before he kissed Dean and pulled him towards their room.

 

Later in bed, when he had Dean in his arms, the soft melody of Blackbird filling the quietness around them. Dean had showed him that song when they had harvested the first pumpkin in the fall. As he listened to the lyrics, he thought about his new life so far.

 

Cas had been lost and Dean had taken his broken body and mind, and guided him through the darkness and into the light. They both had gotten a second chance at happiness and sometimes all you need is a second chance, because time wasn't ready for the first one.

 

_ Blackbird fly, blackbird fly _

_ Into the light of the dark, black night _

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enochian words translation:
> 
> Elasa bolape turbs - You are beautiful  
> Olani hoath ol - I love you
> 
> That's it, ladies and jellyspoons!  
> We hope you enjoyed this timestamp! And as Charlie would say: Happy Xmas, bitches! <3


End file.
